Why Do Women Have Goofy Names for Their Vagina?
This Ask Dick question was sent to me by DaveB.
Dick, why do women have stupid names for their vagina? Nowadays you’ll hear a woman call it her “vag” or her “va jay-jay” or some other dumbass name that sounds like a 4 year old threw the scrabble bag at the board. What’s the deal?
Dave, I tested your theory by randomly pulling some Scrabble tiles out of a bag. What I found was that the letters didn’t spell out a child-like euphemism and therefore extremely inappropriate nickname for a vagina. They actually spelled the sound I make when anyone brings up vaginas for any reason:
“glthk”
If you’d like to play along at home, you can easily make that sound by swallowing some yarn.
Vaginas are so gross that even women are embarrassed to have them and women aren’t embarrassed by anything.
Women are like pigs in a lot of ways. They’re slovenly and fat, but more importantly, they are completely unaware of it. A woman could be twenty pounds overweight and actually think there’s nothing wrong with that! And “muffin tops” — where some broad’s stomach spills over her sweatpants like dough rolling over the paper cup of a greasy muffin — are a daily hazard for men of all walks of life. There could be no other explanation for these but a gross lack of self-awareness.
A pig is a pig even at a classy buffet, and even in a top hat.
And yet women are still embarrassed to have vaginas. Somehow the stigma of a vagina is so great that it penetrates the dense, lead-like shield that is a woman’s oblivious lack of self-awareness.
1. Vaginas are Illegal
Imagine a world where it was illegal for you to work for money. Stone masonry would be done in the dark. Career counselors would sit in the back of darkened taverns offering advice in unmarked envelopes and disappearing with a gust of wind and a door left ajar. James Brown would have been the FBI’s most wanted fugitive.
Believe it or not, that’s what the world is to women. Where men would be unable to sell our gift — our brains — for money in a farcical dystopia, women are currently unable to sell their vaginas. That’s a fucked dystopia.
In any country that you can’t get laid for free just because you’re not from it, prostitution is illegal.
I have done my share of illegal things. I can say for certain that without the mindset and the skewed ethics required to continue in such a lifestyle, the guilt of committing illegal acts is all-consuming. I’ve seen it happen.
That’s every day of a woman’s life.
Every day, a woman wakes up and breaks the law by selling her vagina for something. Maybe today it’s just a free Super Size or a scone, but tomorrow it could be a promotion or financing on a new car. Just because a prostitute doesn’t fuck, doesn’t mean she wasn’t paid for sex. Women are whores. Some just have bad customer service.
2. The Vagina Monologues
Women have goofy names for their vaginas because they’re embarrassed to have them. They’re are embarrassed to have them, they’re embarrassed to use them, and in this case, they’re embarrassed to talk about them. The Vagina Monologues is proof of that.
Men don’t need lame promotional circuits and back-patting over shitty poetry to talk about our cocks. We don’t need to wrap cock-talk in a protective layer of “art” just to do it. At most, we need five seconds of silence and a glance over our shoulder to make sure no women are around.
And so what? Take a look around. Everything on Earth that serves a purpose is shaped like a penis. Screwdrivers, jackhammers, the remote control to your television, pistols, plumbing, pencils, doorknobs; it’s no wonder they’re easy to talk about. The only thing that resembles a vagina is a wallet: something you mindlessly stick money in just because it’s going along for the ride. That’s embarrassing.
3. Women are Pedophiles
Everything that women do is designed to make them look 17 forever. They dress young, they talk young, they fuck-up nonstop like know-nothing children. The only reason women hate pedophiles so much is because the age of consent gives them the head-start they desperately need.
Talking about sex and especially their own sexuality like emotionally retarded 15 year olds make women seem like the spoiled teen cunts they all aspire to be.
I’m done with this topic. Not because I’m out of reasons, but because I’ve disgusted myself. I feel like I need to throw up some yarn.
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January 25th, 2008 at 3:29 pm - IP Man-Hash: f78d821cb12a8
One day in high school I was getting a blowjob in the restroom when the girl started rubbing her jaw and exclaimed that my dick was a real jawbreaker. Since then I have been proud to call my dick ‘Jawbreaker’ so you can call me subhuman if you want but first I’d like to introduce you to ‘Holder’ and ‘Hitter’, my two fists. J/P
Dick, another success. My ex calls it her ‘Pooter’. I always called it ‘The Great Stank’. I have gagged more than once just thinking about vaginas while reading this article. Please pass the yarn.
January 25th, 2008 at 8:13 pm - IP Man-Hash: 92768981d3d18
This porker even shamelessly admits her whoring past, present, and intended whoring future. It’s a straight from the horses mouth tirade of treacherous admissions. So much for the loyalty her husband thought he would get by supporting her fat ass in married bliss.
“She admits to having 23 lovers before she married”.
and
“I’d flipped from wife to mother, and it gave me excuses - often genuine - to cold-shoulder my husband’s sexual advances”.
-tell the whole story in a nutshell. She’s a selfish whoring cunt who often “didn’t have a genuine excuse” to reject her husbands advances. What the hell else does she have to offer? Men should take heed of the admissions of bitches such as this.
Why work to support some fat whore in luxury when she won’t fulfill her side of the arrangement? Words out, baby. You’re on your own…forever. Go get a cat and some AA’s…no one wants you.
January 25th, 2008 at 9:15 pm - IP Man-Hash: 3e1454539ed67
All too typical and another feminist double-standard. When a woman denies sex she’s a hero, if a man does he’s gay, intimidated, etc.
I know man, I’ve been getting that since the 7th grade. I guess no only means know for women eh?
OH don’t worry, I’m not interested because I’m gay and afraid, not because you’re uninteresting, bossy, typically empty in the head, are only in it for the power or that even the fat girl behind you has more appeal and self esteem then you.
January 25th, 2008 at 9:17 pm - IP Man-Hash: 3e1454539ed67
only means no I mean, stupid me.
January 26th, 2008 at 6:51 am - IP Man-Hash: c6e691e7ac4d5
Oh yeah. My 37-year-old babymomma call it-get this-”The Scratchy”. I’m not kidding.
January 26th, 2008 at 9:06 am - IP Man-Hash: df8a37f402a4d
ewwwwwwwwww
January 26th, 2008 at 8:45 pm - IP Man-Hash: 5ad14c9a8ccb9
I was an RN for 20 years. Spent a lot of down time on a lot of night shifts listening to the crap coming out of a lot of womens’ mouths. Never ceased to amaze me how many married women gave that same line as the fat slug above (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_ id=510248&in_page_id=1879).
I heard more than once that they let their bodies go to shit on purpose, so their husbands wouldn’t want to fuck them any more.
I reckon it’s tied into this bloody Viagra. A man only needs viagra when he’s fucking out of a sense of duty, rather than lust. I hooked up with a delectable little barely-legal piece of fluff in Bali a couple of years back, 25 years my junior, and my dick was harder than it’s been in years. Didn’t need any viagra there. Sharpened my knife on the bastard, that’s how hard it was. Give me some sloppy bag of shit over here and I need a tub of the stuff to get it up.
But you show me the world’s most desirable woman, and I’ll find you a bloke who’s sick of fucking her (as some wise man once said, can’t remember who). That’s the problem. The fat slag hates getting fucked by her husband, because he’s bored shitless with fucking her and she knows it. He wants to be fucking some young nubile. Why? Because he’s a MAN, the pinnacle of two billion years of evolution, two billion years of fucking young nubiles. Why doesn’t he? Because he’s let the fat slags take over his society. He let them impose that guarantee of cultural sterility and death, MONOGAMY, on him. Fuck monogamy! Genghis Khan didn’t become the ancestor of 8% of Chinese men by being monogamous. He did it by fucking young nubiles, every bloody day, whether they liked it or not. If we want our culture to continue, christ, if we want EVOLUTION to continue, we need to be out there fucking young nubiles! Genghis Khan never fucked a fat slug in his whole bloody life. Why the hell should I?
January 26th, 2008 at 8:52 pm - IP Man-Hash: 55548152be297
That woman is just typical. See: ‘All women are cheating whores’
- Sgt. Reyes
January 26th, 2008 at 11:47 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
It’s all of this conditioning bullshit. Since the industrial age we’ve stopped learning from the land (ie: from our fathers, family members, friends, neighbors, tutors) and have instead bought into this whole ‘need an official degree’ feminized bullshit. What does that mean? Well, it means for the last, say, 200 years we’ve had to use institutionalized systems to ACQUIRE our knowledge, not SUPPLEMENT it. It used to be that if someone went to a university, they sincerely wanted to. They didn’t get a degree from the program, they got actually learning the ropes without having to tiptoe around some fat bitch’s self-esteem. Now, what is it? A majority of the western world, male or female, somehow has become convinced that you can learn someone’s skills with a quota sheet and a 30 minute interview - one filled not with a day’s worth of demonstration of the results this employee will produce, but awkward pleasantries and some thoughtless pampered bullshit.
Now what do we have? Mandatory higher education? Well, golly-gee, nothing could go wrong there! I mean, let’s just have the same committee decide what books we buy, what teachers we hire, what the teachers have been taught, what the students will learn, and oh, who can or can not get that piece of paper they hold so dear. By the way, if you’re a man, you may be subject to random strip-searches and becoming one of those 9/10 men in prison for basically anything the superior sex says about you.
There is so much horseshit that we are literally conditioned to believe. I mean, what fucking good is free speech if what you say to the idiot box may offend some drunken walrus with her 9 illegitimate children playing in the street and somehow your vocal vibrations magically are more relevant than the quality work you do. Really, really, those stupid vocal fuckboxes know more about who a man is than the man himself. Brilliant, and then we wonder with all of this ‘girlys are superior’ and ‘look at cleavage and we’ll chop your dick off’ mindrot that some humiliated, confused man will take an assault rifle and shoot up a classroom.
No, it’s not the evils of man. Maybe if bitches could sew their mouths shut for a second and listen they could actually realize how absurd their… everything really is.
January 26th, 2008 at 11:53 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
Oh, and welcome aboard. Yes, it’s a shame that some of the more inferior members of our society are too stupid to realize the difference between wanting to have sex with a 15 or 16 year old and a 12 year old. Perhaps if that wasn’t broadcast that somehow if you want to have sex with a hot teenage cockmongler who is already a slut anyways that there’s somehow a connection between you and a pervert who fondles babies. No, there isn’t.
Once again, if bitches could shut their fucking lips, perhaps we could just sit back and see what would happen. Consider it a social experiment. Keep quiet until you notice anything positive arise in society. Then keep quiet after that and see how much better things are without your opinions or you having a profile of any kind in general, girly-girls.
January 27th, 2008 at 12:08 am - IP Man-Hash: 55548152be297
Let’s not forget Myspace and the whoredom allowed by underage sluts that occurs. One of the female nieces (age 13) of one of my friends was found on the site WEARING LINGERIE! When my friend alerted his sister (single mother, go figure), her Mother said she looked spectacular and that she was proud of her daughter.
Lets say it again. Women are whores, single mothers can’t raise shit other than a cactus.
- Sgt. Reyes
January 27th, 2008 at 12:54 am - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
I just don’t know what to say to that. Our society has so much to learn - so, so much. Pathetic would be a compliment - it implies there is something redeemable about it. No, the western world has a few bridges to burn if they ever want to compete with the less… devolved societies.
January 27th, 2008 at 4:53 am - IP Man-Hash: af002141adf91
I will give a nod to the whole double-standard issue. If that article was about a 45 year old man, who said that he was no longer interested in his wife, he would be deemed a complete bastard. However, she is a fucking feminist hero.
This leads me to yet another interesting experiment to do. When you are around female friends and/or co-workers, here is something to try out. Act like a women. I dont mean use a poofy voice, but react like a women. If women in your office undo their blouses to show a bit of cleavage, take off your tie and undo your buttons. Act huffy to random statements and dont give explainations why you are angry. Use the word “because” as your sole arguement for everything. Get other people to do your work for you. And if you HAVE TO apologize, add a BUT statement in there somewhere.
See how long it lasts. Even women get annoyed with their own shit. It also proves that their is a double-standard. Women EXPECT men to be different (but how dare you say that we are you sexist pig!).
Women expect men to do what they are told and (this is the most important part) NOT TO COMPLAIN.
January 27th, 2008 at 7:00 pm - IP Man-Hash: b1399fe97d1bb
Yeah, and why do men always care about the size of their penises? For men it’s always sex, sex, sex, FOOTBALL, sex, sex, SPORTS, sex, WRESTLING, and blah blah blah, etc.
=^_^=
January 27th, 2008 at 7:18 pm - IP Man-Hash: a01134e5bc887
Oh that’s simple, after talking to women all day, men need something to think about that’s actually interesting. Duh.
January 27th, 2008 at 7:37 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0a379370a5fd8
Well, that and as everyone already knows, Men>Women, and men do deep thinking shit with other men and generally, late at night with their penis.
Women don’t get it because (A) they are not cool and do not own a Penis and (B) are not as smart as my penis.
I care about my size because it is already bigger than your brain, and I don’t want you trying to measure up to something I have to roll into a ball to carry around in my pants or tuck into my sock…………..
January 27th, 2008 at 7:57 pm - IP Man-Hash: 55548152be297
At the end of a long, hard days work there’s four things I want:
- Sex
- Sports/TV
- Food
- A quiet house
I’m not worried about the ’size of my penis’ because mine will always be bigger than yours. Women’s brains are like ‘white noise’. Staticky, irritating, only in black and white, and on the fritz.
- Sgt. Reyes
January 30th, 2008 at 1:51 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4a114cc94a30f
I love this website. This is comedy gold. I’m not sure what I enjoy more: the actual articles or reading how upset women are getting.
I’ve never heard of someone getting soooo mad at something they have the power to stop: them reading the god-damned words. If Dick Masterson’s words anger you, stop reading them.
Rush Limbaugh once said that without listeners that hated him, he wouldn’t be so popular. I think this holds true for mabtw.com.
My bottom-line to the ladies is that this website was designed to humor men. I’m a man who’s deployed to Iraq and this website has me fucking howling when I read it. My roommate thinks I’m nuts to be laughing so loud while reading but all I have to do is “Stumble” the article to him and he understands.
Love it or leave it.
Best line so far: “Women are a lot like guns: they’re useless without a man using them.”
January 30th, 2008 at 2:03 pm - IP Man-Hash: c4d026b819ad4
Goddamn right.
-Dick
February 1st, 2008 at 10:48 pm - IP Man-Hash: bf2a9c1d0e309
I don’t assign names to any certain part of my body other than it’s medical-given name.. but alright. But I do recall one night when my ex (back when we were dating, of course) wanted me to “name” his penis. I basically wanted to know what the point of that would be, but why bother asking right.