Why Do Women Have Goofy Names for Their Vagina?
This Ask Dick question was sent to me by DaveB.
Dick, why do women have stupid names for their vagina? Nowadays you’ll hear a woman call it her “vag” or her “va jay-jay” or some other dumbass name that sounds like a 4 year old threw the scrabble bag at the board. What’s the deal?
Dave, I tested your theory by randomly pulling some Scrabble tiles out of a bag. What I found was that the letters didn’t spell out a child-like euphemism and therefore extremely inappropriate nickname for a vagina. They actually spelled the sound I make when anyone brings up vaginas for any reason:
“glthk”
If you’d like to play along at home, you can easily make that sound by swallowing some yarn.
Vaginas are so gross that even women are embarrassed to have them and women aren’t embarrassed by anything.
Women are like pigs in a lot of ways. They’re slovenly and fat, but more importantly, they are completely unaware of it. A woman could be twenty pounds overweight and actually think there’s nothing wrong with that! And “muffin tops” — where some broad’s stomach spills over her sweatpants like dough rolling over the paper cup of a greasy muffin — are a daily hazard for men of all walks of life. There could be no other explanation for these but a gross lack of self-awareness.
A pig is a pig even at a classy buffet, and even in a top hat.
And yet women are still embarrassed to have vaginas. Somehow the stigma of a vagina is so great that it penetrates the dense, lead-like shield that is a woman’s oblivious lack of self-awareness.
1. Vaginas are Illegal
Imagine a world where it was illegal for you to work for money. Stone masonry would be done in the dark. Career counselors would sit in the back of darkened taverns offering advice in unmarked envelopes and disappearing with a gust of wind and a door left ajar. James Brown would have been the FBI’s most wanted fugitive.
Believe it or not, that’s what the world is to women. Where men would be unable to sell our gift — our brains — for money in a farcical dystopia, women are currently unable to sell their vaginas. That’s a fucked dystopia.
In any country that you can’t get laid for free just because you’re not from it, prostitution is illegal.
I have done my share of illegal things. I can say for certain that without the mindset and the skewed ethics required to continue in such a lifestyle, the guilt of committing illegal acts is all-consuming. I’ve seen it happen.
That’s every day of a woman’s life.
Every day, a woman wakes up and breaks the law by selling her vagina for something. Maybe today it’s just a free Super Size or a scone, but tomorrow it could be a promotion or financing on a new car. Just because a prostitute doesn’t fuck, doesn’t mean she wasn’t paid for sex. Women are whores. Some just have bad customer service.
2. The Vagina Monologues
Women have goofy names for their vaginas because they’re embarrassed to have them. They’re are embarrassed to have them, they’re embarrassed to use them, and in this case, they’re embarrassed to talk about them. The Vagina Monologues is proof of that.
Men don’t need lame promotional circuits and back-patting over shitty poetry to talk about our cocks. We don’t need to wrap cock-talk in a protective layer of “art” just to do it. At most, we need five seconds of silence and a glance over our shoulder to make sure no women are around.
And so what? Take a look around. Everything on Earth that serves a purpose is shaped like a penis. Screwdrivers, jackhammers, the remote control to your television, pistols, plumbing, pencils, doorknobs; it’s no wonder they’re easy to talk about. The only thing that resembles a vagina is a wallet: something you mindlessly stick money in just because it’s going along for the ride. That’s embarrassing.
3. Women are Pedophiles
Everything that women do is designed to make them look 17 forever. They dress young, they talk young, they fuck-up nonstop like know-nothing children. The only reason women hate pedophiles so much is because the age of consent gives them the head-start they desperately need.
Talking about sex and especially their own sexuality like emotionally retarded 15 year olds make women seem like the spoiled teen cunts they all aspire to be.
I’m done with this topic. Not because I’m out of reasons, but because I’ve disgusted myself. I feel like I need to throw up some yarn.
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January 23rd, 2008 at 7:42 am - IP Man-Hash: cde4d6da17a7a
i once knew this chick who called it her “mound of venus”
i was like “you’re kidding, right?”
she wasn’t.
but hey, where’d you get your remote control? i have like five of them, none of which are ‘remotely’ phallic.
January 23rd, 2008 at 7:51 am - IP Man-Hash: 829be8a41e45b
Dick, good point about the Vagina Monologues. I think there is a point in that play where a mature woman seduces an underage girl. Feminism at its best.
-Solomon
January 23rd, 2008 at 9:01 am - IP Man-Hash: aaab06a88cd0f
My question feels thoroughly answered. Now, I think I shall play Scrabble tonight. With some yarn
January 23rd, 2008 at 9:10 am - IP Man-Hash: 56a8460f38822
Good lord, I thought “Va jay-jay” was the worst! I was once trolling people who were dedicated fans to Harry Potter on Amazon, there was a cali girl on there, very democratic, I hated her and would have liked to get my hands on her, I made pornographic posts about the characters in Harry Potter, but since her name was “Jojo” I made a post that went (calling myself “Naked Pootie-Poot” which is Putin) I said “Naked Pootie-Poot is going slit Jojo’s va jay-jay, get some Pootie cream on her chest!”
It sounds more degrading than it does diminutive, as a Latvian I know a thing or two about diminutives.
“Mound of venus” why not just cut off both arms, walk around topless and call herself, “Venus de Milo”?
January 23rd, 2008 at 9:40 am - IP Man-Hash: df8a37f402a4d
Mound of venus is close to the medical name. The vulva is actually called mons veneris in medical terms which means Mount of Venus or Mount of love.
sounds like greek mythology with a latin twist.
But va ja ja? wtf?
It don’t eveeen have a pleasant ring to it.
January 23rd, 2008 at 10:01 am - IP Man-Hash: cde4d6da17a7a
@Billy- i was actually aware of the phrase’s origins. there’s also a book of erotic short stories by Anais Nin called Delta of Venus.
i just thought it a little…pretentious. and wordy. and awkward for every day use. and she DID somehow manage to refer to it daily.
but that was forever ago- i’m sure she’s grown out of or gotten bored with that by now.
January 23rd, 2008 at 10:07 am - IP Man-Hash: 56a8460f38822
She mentioned it everyday? I would be breaking up with her.
January 23rd, 2008 at 10:18 am - IP Man-Hash: cde4d6da17a7a
@RWRapist- well, i’m sure i would have broken up with her except i’m a chick and not a lesbian. she was just some girl i worked with. and yeah, every day no matter what the topic, i swear that chick could somehow bring it round to her mound of freakin venus…
ps- about your name- do you like Roger Waters or hate him so much you want to rape him?
i love pink floyd…
January 23rd, 2008 at 10:48 am - IP Man-Hash: 8078ef26e3b9f
Dont have a lot to contribute other than the fact that a lot of women now say Va-jay-jay because thats what Dr. Bailey called it on Grey’s Anatomy one episode.
Pathetic, but true.
January 23rd, 2008 at 11:14 am - IP Man-Hash: 56a8460f38822
I used to like Roger, but then I founded out he was very anti-Bush, I was traumatized so bad, I got off my ass, went to my car and ripped off my Pink Floyd bumper sticker, at 4:30 in the morgen, my mother’s last words to me that morgen were, “I”M REAL FUCKING SORRY IF ROGER WATERS IS A DEMOCRAT!”. I still acknowledge he is a very talented bass player, some people rate Hendrix that, I think Roger should be THE bassist, but since Hendrix is of a minority group he is ENTITLED to this honor. I never liked David Gilmore, I just do not see any talent there, as for Syd Barrett I think he is a bad, bad example for Schizophrenia.
- Roger Waters Rapist
I will be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize the state of Arkansassy!
January 23rd, 2008 at 11:23 am - IP Man-Hash: 5c8336b56fb06
@RWRapist- um…really? i think you’re pulling my leg with that tale. i mean, what was your mother doing up at four thirty in the morgen(?)?
at any rate if there’s any shred of truth to your tale, i’m afraid you and i shan’t get along very well. I find george bush to be an utter embarrassment, and david gilmour to be a guitar playing god.
January 23rd, 2008 at 12:22 pm - IP Man-Hash: 56a8460f38822
My mother was not up, I was, I am an insomniac! I woke her up to bitch about it, I just had the feeling when I wrote I hated Roger Waters because of liberal policies, you would write back saying you think Dubya is stupid.
Any republicans left in the world, I feel like it is me, Rush, and Sean!
January 23rd, 2008 at 12:25 pm - IP Man-Hash: 56a8460f38822
Also “morgen” is the Deutsch (German) term for morning, I like it better so I use it instead of the English form (of course English is rooted in German that is why there is a resemblence).
January 23rd, 2008 at 12:30 pm - IP Man-Hash: 56a8460f38822
We would not get along anyway, as much as I hate democrats, politics aside I cannot stand a sloppy speller, it is one thing to make a typo now and then or leave a word out, but you did not capitalize ANY sentences, no excuse there. Of course now you will poke fun at Georgie boy’s dyslexia, he still spells correctly, if he used that internet slang, he would be lucky to get a job in the food industry (if you catch my drift).
January 23rd, 2008 at 12:38 pm - IP Man-Hash: 5c8336b56fb06
ahhh. i see. thanks for the clarification. i was wondering how you could make a typo like that twice! yeah, i’m sorry, but i just think the current administration has really been damaging to both our ecomomy and our standing in the world. i am definitely not a fan.
but whatever, none have this has anything to do with goofy names for girl parts, and i’ve pretty much said all i care to about that.
auf weiderschauen…