This Ask Dick question was sent to me by DaveB.

Dick, why do women have stupid names for their vagina? Nowadays you’ll hear a woman call it her “vag” or her “va jay-jay” or some other dumbass name that sounds like a 4 year old threw the scrabble bag at the board. What’s the deal?

Dave, I tested your theory by randomly pulling some Scrabble tiles out of a bag. What I found was that the letters didn’t spell out a child-like euphemism and therefore extremely inappropriate nickname for a vagina. They actually spelled the sound I make when anyone brings up vaginas for any reason:

“glthk”

If you’d like to play along at home, you can easily make that sound by swallowing some yarn.

Vaginas are so gross that even women are embarrassed to have them and women aren’t embarrassed by anything.

Women are like pigs in a lot of ways. They’re slovenly and fat, but more importantly, they are completely unaware of it. A woman could be twenty pounds overweight and actually think there’s nothing wrong with that! And “muffin tops” — where some broad’s stomach spills over her sweatpants like dough rolling over the paper cup of a greasy muffin — are a daily hazard for men of all walks of life. There could be no other explanation for these but a gross lack of self-awareness.

A pig is a pig even at a classy buffet, and even in a top hat.

And yet women are still embarrassed to have vaginas. Somehow the stigma of a vagina is so great that it penetrates the dense, lead-like shield that is a woman’s oblivious lack of self-awareness.

1. Vaginas are Illegal

Imagine a world where it was illegal for you to work for money. Stone masonry would be done in the dark. Career counselors would sit in the back of darkened taverns offering advice in unmarked envelopes and disappearing with a gust of wind and a door left ajar. James Brown would have been the FBI’s most wanted fugitive.

Believe it or not, that’s what the world is to women. Where men would be unable to sell our gift — our brains — for money in a farcical dystopia, women are currently unable to sell their vaginas. That’s a fucked dystopia.

In any country that you can’t get laid for free just because you’re not from it, prostitution is illegal.

I have done my share of illegal things. I can say for certain that without the mindset and the skewed ethics required to continue in such a lifestyle, the guilt of committing illegal acts is all-consuming. I’ve seen it happen.

That’s every day of a woman’s life.

Every day, a woman wakes up and breaks the law by selling her vagina for something. Maybe today it’s just a free Super Size or a scone, but tomorrow it could be a promotion or financing on a new car. Just because a prostitute doesn’t fuck, doesn’t mean she wasn’t paid for sex. Women are whores. Some just have bad customer service.

2. The Vagina Monologues

Women have goofy names for their vaginas because they’re embarrassed to have them. They’re are embarrassed to have them, they’re embarrassed to use them, and in this case, they’re embarrassed to talk about them. The Vagina Monologues is proof of that.

Men don’t need lame promotional circuits and back-patting over shitty poetry to talk about our cocks. We don’t need to wrap cock-talk in a protective layer of “art” just to do it. At most, we need five seconds of silence and a glance over our shoulder to make sure no women are around.

And so what? Take a look around. Everything on Earth that serves a purpose is shaped like a penis. Screwdrivers, jackhammers, the remote control to your television, pistols, plumbing, pencils, doorknobs; it’s no wonder they’re easy to talk about. The only thing that resembles a vagina is a wallet: something you mindlessly stick money in just because it’s going along for the ride. That’s embarrassing.

3. Women are Pedophiles

Everything that women do is designed to make them look 17 forever. They dress young, they talk young, they fuck-up nonstop like know-nothing children. The only reason women hate pedophiles so much is because the age of consent gives them the head-start they desperately need.

Talking about sex and especially their own sexuality like emotionally retarded 15 year olds make women seem like the spoiled teen cunts they all aspire to be.

I’m done with this topic. Not because I’m out of reasons, but because I’ve disgusted myself. I feel like I need to throw up some yarn.

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