As a man, I am against gay marriage. Before all of you jackasses light your pink torches and start braiding your AIDS awareness ribbons into my noose, allow me to explain–even though I don’t really give a fuck because everyone on the internet is a tough guy and, truth be told, in real life I could fight all of you all at the same time with my hands tied behind my back and my pants on backwards. So fuck you.
Gay marriage is wrong.
My mother has a gay hairdresser. During one of my yearly conversations with her, the topic of gay marriage came up. Before any of you smart asses ask, I didn’t bring it up and she didn’t bring it up because she thinks I’m gay. Also, she doesn’t think I’m gay. This is what she said of the Prop-Hate sensation.
‘Carlo wants me to keep all my fingers crossed that this gay marriage thing doesn’t go through.’
‘Why is that?’ I said.
‘That’s what I asked him. He says he can tell that his boyfriend really wants to get married, and that getting married would completely ruin their gay sex life.’
Son of a bitch, I thought. They’ve done it again. Women ruined gayness. Women and their crazy obsession with marriage ruined the commitment-free sanctuary of gayness for all gay men.
When America decided that slavery was unjust, we didn’t make all white people slaves too, we ended slavery. Find one way in which marriage is different.
I want all of you “progressives” and “egalitarians” and “other miscellaneous faggots” to sit down, shut up, and think about the following for ten seconds: not everyone wants to be married. Go think about that. Not every person on this Earth considers marriage the cure for everything that ails them. Gay men included.
Not every gay man wants to be married.
In every relationship, there is one person who wants to get married and one who doesn’t. That’s the nature of monogamous relationships. There is one person who is strong, independent, and has cool stories and catch phrases and has been on TV; and there is one person who is a soul-draining succubus bitch looking for an excuse not to put out. That excuse is called marriage. In every relationship, there is a bread-winner and a bread-eater. There is someone who wears the pants and someone who wears a chastity belt. There is a man and an other person.
Obviously, there has to be a man. Lesbians don’t have relationships. They have extended emotional chess games where every piece is a pawn.
My point is, in every couple, one of the parties wants to get married more than the other. Thanks a lot, Supreme Court–or whoever just made gay marriage legal and therefore mandatory for all gay couples–you just fucked 50% of gay dudes.
Look, don’t get mad at me for saying it. Get mad at my mother’s gay hairdresser Carlo. He’s the insensitive and homophobic one, not me. How dare he not want to celebrate his new rights and continue his gay relationship in peace without getting hounded every day by a marriage-crazed boy toy who is also more clever and well-reasoned than your average marriage-crazy woman because he’s a man.
For all you gay men out there who are sickened by this additional injustice perpetrated on your kind by people who have no right to speak on your behalf, I present the following as an offer of apology on behalf of all straight men.
Dick Masterson’s Tips for Gay Men on How to Avoid Gay Marriage
1. Don’t Get a Dog Together
Women have tried to snare us men with dogs since the beginning of time. Sharing the responsibility of another life form is almost as binding as a legal contract. Don’t think you’ve escaped the dreaded pregnancy test, gay men. A malti-poo can be just as deadly.
If Entourage is anything like real life–and is very much is for me with all the babes and nudity–then gay men are coo-coo for dogs. Guys, here’s a tip for you: if your gay boyfriend brings home a dog, he is trying to slowly snare you into a gay marriage. Marriage is like quicksand. Sometimes you don’t even know you’re stuck in it until the last part of you sticking out of the quagmire is your hand. That’s when a priest comes along and slides a ring on your finger.
If your gay boyfriend brings home a dog, send both of them packing–shit packing.
2. Don’t Live Together
Women have been conning men into this one since the 1960′s. That’s when women all turned into sluts.
There’s no good reason to live together. It doesn’t save money. It doesn’t save time on driving back from her (or his?) house when you’re done boning her (or him again?). All it does is create a Petri dish for fighting and bullshit. Living together is like making a hot salami and pastrami sandwich made entirely of bullshit and fighting. It’s one layer of fighting, and then one layer of bullshit, and so on until you can’t see the top of it any longer.
For you gay guys, maybe you like Project Runway and he likes America’s Top Model. If so, I hope you saved room for desert after that delicious shit sandwich, because you’re about to eat a hot pie of regret.
3. Don’t Merge Your Friends
Gay men have lots of the same friends. More often than not, their circles of friends will overlap. That’s not such a big problem for straight men and women. In fact, I’ve never even dated a woman whose friends I didn’t hate the fuck out of.
Gay men, if you want to avoid marriage, you must avoid it’s ugly, red-headed step brother: partner expectation. If you show up at an Andy Warhol exhibit, or a Birdcage-type disco club, or a Trader Joe’s and your friends ask, ‘Where’s your boyfriend?’ You have seriously fucked something up.
I know I said marriage is like quicksand, but it’s also like being gay. If all your friends think you are, then you are. It doesn’t matter what you think or what the law says.
4. Don’t Not Keep Some Ass on the Side
At one point, having a mistress was seen as perfectly normal. If you made more than the modern day equivalent of 10 million dollars, you were allowed to have a couple broads on the side. Well women fucked that up. Just look at poor Tiger Woods.
Scientific research has shown that a husband who is allowed to sleep around is actually more faithful in the long run. I think that science was conducted at a tautology research center because I don’t see how it couldn’t be true. The point is: men want to bang more than one partner.
Set up a fake Facebook profile of some other gay man and leave yourself sexy ambiguous messages. Every time one of my friends gets close to marriage, I do this for them without even telling them–but with using hot broads and not gay dudes. It works 100% of the time. In this age of draconian and scientifically unreasonable monogamy, you’re doing yourself and your gay partner a favor.
5. Don’t Get AIDS
Hospital proxy power is one of the biggest reasons cited as the need for gay marriage. Without it, gay men can’t go into the hospital room of their gay loved ones, or something like that. I don’t really get it, but I also am sure it’s a retarded reason.
The only people I want next to my hospital bed when I’m in a coma is a doctor, a male nurse, and my attorney. Everyone else can suck my cock–not literally. You think us straight men like it that some woman has a legal right to come in and yank our plug just because we’re married? First of all, that’s the most plug yanking she’s done in years. And secondly, fuck you. No amount of whining and wishful thinking is going to pull your ass out of a coma. How often does anyone go the hospital anyway? Like once a lifetime?
Gay men, do not go to the hospital, and if you do, don’t tell your boyfriend about it. That will give him Carte Blanche to start in with the marriage talk, and once that Pandora’s can of shit gets open, there’s no shutting it. The lid on that can is looser than Liberace’s butthole.
In manclusion, I would like to apologize personally to all gay men. Us straight men are very sorry your loss and I hope this article in some way makes up for it. After all, these tips have been gathered over thousands of years. Straight men have been trying to escape marriage since we invented it. The most important thing is to acknowledge the horrible truths of your new peril as quickly as possible. Your days of banging without consequence are over. Welcome to a world where every piece of ass comes with a price tag. Welcome to a life of excuses, ultimatum dodging, and crying. Welcome to hell.