I would never marry a woman who hated me enough to let me go through with it.
Marriage is fucked and stupid and the second fastest way any young man can ruin his life. The first fastest way is by having a child. Try folding an index card in half twenty times. That’s how hard it is to find beer money or a blowjob in the budget once you’ve got a kid.
Here are the top ten reasons why marriage is stupid.
10. It Fucks With Other People’s Plans
When you announce the State of Emergency that is a modern wedding, you instantly fuck up the weekend plans of 200 close friends and family members. That’s 200 weekends shot straight down the drain in your emotional circle jerk of matrimony. That’s why marriage is so miserable. You’ve got to pay karma back 200 shitty weekends in a row for the ones you stole from everyone else.
Do you know how often Styx plays at the Hollywood Bowl? Fuck your stupid wedding.
9. The Biology of your Manology
Everything in your genetic makeup tells you to eat, drink, and fuck as many broads as possible. That’s why all that shit feels good. Your brain is hard wired for it.
There is nothing in your MNA (Man-DNA) that tells you to get married. In fact, your MNA is against it!
Not eating things that smell like shit and taste like shit is also in your MNA. It’s a genetic safeguard against eating feces. That means that biologically speaking, you need to have just as good a reason to get married as you do to eat your own shit.
I think you’ll find that that makes sense.
Question: What is a PDA?
Manswer: A Personal Digital assistant, that I use to get business done.
Womanswer: A Public Display of Affection.
AKA, something no one over 13 should give a fuck about.
Public displays of affection are illegal. I show my affection for a woman by railing her over the bathroom counter or by letting her bounce around on my lap whilst I’m watching the History channel. A wedding is an emotional money shot all over your face in front of your pals and parents. Does that sound like something you want them to see?
And since when did it become acceptable for men to start blubbering at a wedding. I don’t care if your dead dog is marrying “it’s raining beer”, crying is always a loss of all Man Points.
7. The Odds
The odds of a marriage working aren’t 50/50, they’re six billion to one. As far as I can tell, John McCain is the only happily married man in history. Are you married to a beer heiress who you also cheated on and she’s cool with it? Then you’re not a happily married man.
Marriage is a daily string of embarrassing compromise, miscommunication, and punctuated only by divine moments of fiscal responsibility.
Go to Vegas and bet your house, your car, your friends, and any pussy you’ll be getting for the next seven years on Black. If you can do that, you’re ready to get married.
6. Get a Maid
Get a maid, a butler, a babysitter, and a chef. It’s cheaper in the long run.
5. The Honda CBR 1100
The average wedding costs $10,000. The average Honda CBR 1100 costs exactly that!
Imagine carrying your drunk ass wife over the threshold of your honeymoon suite so she can start on the lifeless, frigid dent she’s going to put in your bed over the next 7 years.
Now imagine a bunch of hot jailbait bitches asking you questions about your new ten thousand dollar pussy machine that is the Honda CBR 1100.
If scientists ever create an artificial vagina, it will have a Ducati logo stamped on the side.
4. Jesus Didn’t Do it.
The answer to, “What would Jesus Do?” Is that he wouldn’t get married. Jesus did not get married, and he didn’t get married for one very good reason:
He had shit to do.
Jesus did more shit than anyone else in history and he was only able to do so because he didn’t have some shit-anchor wife nagging on his nuts 24 hours a day.
Besides, do you know how many bitches Jesus hooked up with? I’ve read the Bible front to back three times. Do you know what I learned the second time through? There are tons of ways to fornicate with a woman and biblegally get away with it.
Biblegally is a word I just invented to properly amalgamate the awesome power of the Bible with the utility of an argument based on semantics. I think it’s quite clever.
And even if you say Jesus hooked up with “zero” chicks, that’s still just as many as your average married man. The wedding ring you buy your fiancee is the exact same size your dick would have to be to fuck her. Congratulations, Mini Me. You’re the only married man getting laid.
3. Marital Rape is an Oxymoron
How in the fuck can there be rape in a marriage? What’s next, is an employer unlawfully detaining you by asking you to postpone your lunch break? Is it molestation when a fireman carries a kid from a burning orphanage?
Fact. A wedding ring is a VIP pass to backstage vagina. Anal is still for sale, but pussy is guaranteed.
2. Marriage is a Business
Never make a business decision based on emotions.
You don’t sign a lease on a dare. You don’t buy a used car because the dealer calls you cheap. You don’t race Needles because he calls you a chicken.
You don’t get married because you feel like you’re in love.
1. Marriage is for Gays
Like it or not, one of these days gay men are going to have the right to be married. I personally am against gay marriage. I think gay men have suffered enough.