Violent Acres

Some people — women, have accused me of being unfair in my judgments of the “fairer” sex. They say I’m “too black and white” or “generalizing”. But what the fuck do women know? Some of them have criticized me for having “too big” of a cock. Is that even possible?

As my manvine providence so deems it, I’m going to give women the fighting chance they don’t deserve. The following is an interview with V from Violent Acres, arguably the most reasonable woman on the internet. As you will see, that’s a lot like saying you got a hell of a deal on a broken motorcycle. How the fuck is a broken motorcycle a deal? You have no idea what’s wrong with it.

DM: Because of the popularity of your website, there are many on the internet who claim you’re actually a man. As a woman, is it possible to take this rumor as anything but a compliment? After all, a man can simultaneously grasp the nuances of being both humorous and poignant, while women struggle with being both married and employed.

VA: Are you talking down to me?

DM: True or false, too many women have blogs?

VA: False. I don’t think enough people have blogs.

For example, just yesterday, the neighbor lady, dressed like a homeless man, stumbled out into her front yard and proceeded to get into a squatting position. For nearly 10 straight minutes (I timed her), she stared intently at something in the grass. What was she looking at?

A bug?

A piece of dog shit?

Was she perhaps imagining the ghosts of all the men who had molested her in the past?

I’ll never know because she doesn’t have a blog.

Furthermore, two weeks ago, I witnessed a strange man walking across the street, grinning silently. If he had a blog, I would be privy to his most private walking-across-the-street-thoughts. I’m almost positive he was thinking something wicked.

DM: The answer is “true”.

VA: Fuck.

DM: Like with cars and the army, technology has advanced to a point where the barriers of incompetence that once prevented women from entering The Internet have been overcome by mangenuity. As a woman, what do you think would be the best way to deter other women from clogging up the internet with their stupid opinions? Perhaps some kind of a USB device with a Go Go Gadget Five Across the Eyes?

VA: Too many women online is the direct fault of Man Laziness. For generations, men have been wasting their time coming up with useful inventions, such as telephones and extra large coolers with wheels, instead of thinking up ingenious ways to keep women occupied.

Let me ask you this! How come men aren’t busy trying to cross breed a horse with a bald eagle? If they did, perhaps they’d end up with a real, live Pegasus. If men would just get off of their lazy asses and invent Pegasus’s for women, paint them pink, and figure out a way to make them smell pretty, women would have no use for any sort of technology ever again.

Dammit! Give me my pink, flying pony!

DM: Do you think a housewife calling herself a “domestic diva” makes her any less of a failure?

VA: Housewives have many uses. For example, they can cure your insomnia by boring the piss out of you until you finally fall asleep. I’ve even heard that some of them make great sperm trashcans. A housewife is like a swiss army knife that bleeds once a month and periodically produces children that look like your best friend.

DM: On the topic of bad role models and bad decisions. You’ve turned down a number of book deals despite the popularity of your website. How is this any different then Lindsay Lohan getting coked up every weekend and Paris Hilton whipping out the snizz to distract everyone from her overt racial prejudice and embarrassing music career? In the words of Montgomery Brewster, I’d encourage my daughter to do “none of the above.”

VA: Make-up.

Oh wait, that can’t be right. Can I change my answer? What I meant to say was: coach purse! *twirls hair*

DM: If you were stranded on a desert island, would you rather have:
a) something a man invented
b) something a woman invented
Keep in mind that food was invented by God, who is a man.

VA: [This space left blank in order to show that I am NOT thorough and therefore, definitely not a man.]

DM: You have an article titled “How to Amaze Your Friends and Family With Your Eerily Accurate Psychic Readings”, in my article “Hocus Pocus: Women are Dumb” I give the age range during which women readily embrace the existence of psychics and clairvoyants at 27-32. How old are you, and do I know women, or do I know women?

VA: That depends.

My crystals are telling me that you’re simply a tortured soul who could use a little bit more love.

My rune stones, on the other hand, are telling me you’re a real fucking jerk.

DM: Did you know that 70% of the prison population arrested for violent crimes were raised by single mothers?

VA: Proving once and for all that modern day men are not strong willed enough and do not possess the mental fortitude to withstand years of logic desensitization at the hands of their loony ass Mothers.

DM: What would you think about requiring a woman to be married before she could vote? Felons can’t vote. How is an unmarriable woman magically different than a felon? Both are the direct result of repeated poor decision making.

VA: Considering the fact that women get stupider after they get married, I am morally opposed to letting married women vote. The same goes for women with children or women with naturally large breasts.

DM: Hillary Clinton has said it takes a village to raise a child, however, I say it only takes the village drunk, so long as that drunk is a man. Don’t you think that’s very clever?

VA: But Hillary Clinton also said that infidelity is ok, so long as your husband fucks a pig. I think we both know who the real genius is here.

DM: On your website, you make the claim, “Slap your girlfriend around! She likes it!” Besides the bedroom, where else do women, “like it”? I myself have found the number of places and their esoteric depravity to be surprising.

VA: Women also enjoy being slapped by their boring, third rate boyfriends in front of the guy they’d secretly like to take his place. There’s not a woman alive who hasn’t fantasized about being rescued by a guy hotter and richer than the one they’re dating.

DM: If women could actually give birth to puppies, which is every woman’s dream, how many do you think they would have? Do you think this womanly hysteria has played some part in the public outcry against Michael Vick?

VA: If Michael Vick was a second string wide receiver, not even men would defend him for hurting those dogs. I guess the ability to throw a football trumps the life of MAN’S BEST FRIEND.

(I’d want 12 puppies)

DM: What would you say is the biggest problem for women today, besides their complete lack of skills, reason, or confidence?

VA: Easy access to plastic surgery and magazines that encourage them to look like aliens.

DM: I would thank you for your time, but you’re a woman and you already have heaps of attention at your beck and call. It would be like tipping Bill Gates for showing me how to sort columns in Excel.

If you are a woman and would like to be interviewed by Dick, fuck off my website before having read this.

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