The Indianapolis 333 And A Third
Did anyone know that a woman raced in the Indianapolis 500 this year? I sure as shit didn’t. For those of you who are not racing fans, the Indianapolis 500 is the biggest car race for men in America. In some circles it’s bigger than the Super Bowl, Kentucky Derby, and the Mint 500 smashed into one glorious wreck. It is a grueling, several-hour test of skill and dexterity that challenges not only one’s physical and mental stamina, but also their ability to endlessly turn left.
Turn left?
Women have been shit at that since the yellow light was invented.
The reason I didn’t know that Danica Patrick raced in the Indy 500 this year is because she didn’t fucking win. An Englishman won. It was a proud day for the English too because he was the first Englishman ever to do so. And we all would have been eating blood pudding and bangers and mash and hitting our teeth with hammers in honor of it if the press hadn’t been 100% pussy whipped by Danica Patrick.
Fortunately men don’t compete for attention and glory and media interviews and that kind of bullshit. We do it for honor.
Since I didn’t see any of the news coverage (I was speaking at a men’s conference), in order to write this I had to do a fair amount of research on why exactly a woman would enter a man’s sport. She’s a woman. Women can’t drive, they suck at sports, and they sure as shit can’t turn left. So what was this one doing at Indy 500 and not wearing a bikini? Is she perhaps crazy? Was this one of those Make A Wish Foundation fantasy charity events that I’ve heard so much about? Either way I had to be sure because I’m a man and therefore thorough at all times.
What I did was point myself over to Danica Patrick’s official website expecting to read a bit about the guild-iron gladiatrix. Here’s the first sentence right off her fucking website.
“Danica Patrick, this attractive 5-foot-1, 100-pound woman…”
What in the freshly brewed fuck does that have to do with car racing? Does Donald Trump’s website say some ridiculous shit like that about him?
“Donald Trump is like six feet tall and can bench press 180 pounds. His hair is totally real. He showed me. He also likes the ladies. Wink, wink.”
No. Guess what it fucking doesn’t. That’s because Donald Trump is a man and men have tact, class, the wherewithal to not rely on their bodies to get them attention and most importantly a sense of relevance. Women, as we all know not only from Danica’s website, but also from ever having spoken to one, provide information and worthless, discarded tidbits about themselves like a Pez dispenser with its head cut off and a magical never ending grip of saccharine, sugary candies that will rot your teeth and your brain.
Doing further research, I read over some of the events of the race. The first thing I stumbled on was that Danica stalled her Super Car in the pits near the end of the race. Even if you’re not a Raceman, you can appreciate the deliciousness of that.
Clutch in, gas down. It’s that simple ladies who need to fuck off both my site and the race track.
The only reason Miss Patrick placed 4th (which is first off the podium), is because she only weighs 100 pounds compared to all the other 200 pound male drivers — which is bullshit, pretty much cheating, and probably early signs of an eating disorder which is nothing to laugh about; and because before the guy said “Gentlepersons…Start Your Engines!”, someone duct taped an engagement ring to the left side of her hood.
Look left. Go left.
Related Articles:
August 31st, 2005 at 10:37 pm - IP Man-Hash: b9c2def31683b
guys are so fucking stupid what a dumb ass web site you have
August 31st, 2005 at 10:52 pm - IP Man-Hash: ac62c77584632
Thanks for proving that women don’t know shit about relevance, dani.
-Dick
August 31st, 2005 at 11:59 pm - IP Man-Hash: fd4a5943b43b8
Yeah, but she is hawt! I mean c’mon, she is hawt!
September 1st, 2005 at 2:24 am - IP Man-Hash: 1cfe44b8e2d8e
Hawt?
You mean she managed to get her car to burst into flames as well as stalling it?
That’d be a typical woman driver all right.
September 2nd, 2005 at 7:37 am - IP Man-Hash: 7ed127537e1bf
Yay! Women can do anything. Except drive, box, teach people to shoot, run countries, perform brain surgery, work out complex equations, not cry in movies, put the lid up, cook a steak, chug a beer, laugh at fart jokes, invent important medical things, paint masterpieces, build cathedrals, fly to the moon, discover DNA, benchpress 200 lbs, eat chilli dogs without sulking, have more than one close mate, watch footy without getting confused, punch out whiny lefties, did I mention owning pretty much everything on the planet, establish complex social organisms such as Rotary and Lions, and create genius web sites such as this amongst some of the things men do in their spare time.
September 2nd, 2005 at 7:42 am - IP Man-Hash: ac62c77584632
They sure can!
-Dick
September 2nd, 2005 at 7:51 pm - IP Man-Hash: 3f6f1bc89c9c0
Good one CB. Speaking of putting the lid up, wtf? Has a man EVER complained about having to pull the fucking seat down before defecating? No. That’s because we have more important things to think and talk about, like whether or not we should be at war, or who should be the next president. The day the state of the toilet seat is a big enough concern to me to bring up in conversation is the day I, well I don’t know but it’d be a pretty sad day.
September 4th, 2005 at 12:05 pm - IP Man-Hash: ac62c77584632
That’s a good point Dan. It would be interesting to see how much of the conversation in a woman’s life is spent on the pointless and inane. Probably 100%. Compared to that of men who spend their days discussing politics, financial trends, etc. All worthwhile.
-Dick
September 8th, 2005 at 2:41 pm - IP Man-Hash: 56806c0431943
Once again Dick, already written about driving. You must have a very short memory or a small imagination.
September 11th, 2005 at 3:20 pm - IP Man-Hash: b7f3ef1638e64
Oh, I see. Since you really have no good response to his arguement, you simply complain that he writes about the same topic twice? Even if it’s for different reasons, or different topics? Wow, good comeback there.
October 27th, 2005 at 1:49 pm - IP Man-Hash: 04c1fd760d95b
But Dick, wimmun are the world’s greatest communicator, just ask them if you can get a word in !
September 12th, 2007 at 6:45 am - IP Man-Hash: 44d70740218ed
My god the engagement ring. Thats gold.
September 28th, 2007 at 12:06 am - IP Man-Hash: e677aa084a06a
WOmen sure can do anything but……… it doesn’t mean there good at it
April 8th, 2008 at 2:14 pm - IP Man-Hash: d97da12eff347
Bang on site, I don’t watch racing anymore…when they brought her it didn’t make me want to watch again. It solidified my stance on not watching. I was wondering where the skill is in going in a circle, F1 goes left…and right, not nascar. Go left, the coach wil tell you when to pit…so don’t think, just turn. Nothing against the sport, but bringing in a 100 pound woman and saying it is a tough job seems contradictory…am I wrong in thinking a little woman is as tough as a 300 pound guy?