Coach Was Filmed Before A Man Studio Audience
A few days ago, I was struck with a chilly sensation that went directly from my balls to my brain. That sensation is called a manpiphany, and as a man I get these manpiphanies all the time. It’s like menopausal women and hot flashes. The only difference is someone still wants to fuck me.
Within a manpiphany is a universe of thought and invention. Manpiphanies are why men are closer than women to God. One day, I invented both fire and the wheel in separate manpiphanies. I doubled my Man Points. Lucky for me, some man had already invented them both several thousand years ago. I had lots of other shit to do and getting that job done myself would have been a caveman-sized pain in my ass.
My latest manpiphany told me that men are better than women at being coaches. Sports coaches, life coaches, coach drivers; you name it, if you can stick ‘coach’ in it, men are better than women.
Women are so bad at coaching, they couldn’t coach a Sloshball team; they couldn’t coach a pack of pit bulls through a leg-humping contest. Women couldn’t coach a real estate entrepreneur if it was 1803 he was in the middle of the Louisiana Fucking Purchase.
Want to know why porn seems to fake? It’s because all porno starlets go to female acting coaches. These coaches are called their mothers.
Let’s take a look at little kid’s football teams. Women can’t coach those and that’s the lowest level of coaching there is.
Actually, that’s the hardest level of coaching.
When children are small is when they need the most coaching! That’s why men are always jumping around flipping the fuck out at little kids’ football games. Children are like sponges. Say ‘fuck’ a few times around one and see for yourself. If children don’t pick up the fundamentals of passing and running while they’re young, before they turn into brick headed teenagers, then they’re never going to make a billion dollars selling anti-perspirant. And if that doesn’t happen, you’re a bad parent.
The only thing women are good for at little kid’s sporting events is going to Walgreen’s and buying some cupcakes. What are women going to do when Walgreen’s starts delivering? The same thing women did when the dishwashing and clothes-washing machine were invented: sit on their fat fucking asses.
That’s called a womanpiphay; when a woman realizes in the sludge of her female shit-matter brain that she won’t have to do some job ever again.
Women are shitty coaches because they’re poor motivators. The only thing women have at their disposal for purposes of motivation is lackluster sex. I wouldn’t even delete that sentence for lackluster sex. Once I figured that out, I asked a bunch of women why women make terrible coaches — just for laughs. I wanted to see what kind of stupid shit they would say.
“Women coaches think about things way too much.”
“Women coaches always want to talk about why you did what you did wrong. They don’t just say what you did wrong.”
“One time, one of my female coaches tried to have sex with me.”
As if a man would ever dream of doing that. Sports are sacred to us men. We would never mix them with silly and base sexual indiscretions. Women, like usual, just can’t keep it in their pants.
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March 14th, 2007 at 12:01 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4555637db20cf
I suppose that perhaps women can coach a wet t-shirt contest.
March 14th, 2007 at 2:54 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0dc060b16a9bd
Very thoughtful article Dick. I liked it.
They’d be too busy being in the contest to judge it.
March 15th, 2007 at 2:54 am - IP Man-Hash: 796c1d8aebfd3
Thats why hingis and kournikova both ended up retiring, because they were “coached by their mums.
March 15th, 2007 at 5:50 pm - IP Man-Hash: 1e4a92edacc4a
“Want to know why porn seems to fake? It’s because all porno starlets go to female acting coaches. These coaches are called their mothers.”
Hahaha.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:11 pm - IP Man-Hash: 35b971f332423
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