Women queer every deal that they’re apart of and they watch shit for television.

That’s not me coming at you with a dose of truth. That’s 84-year-old, legendary BBC television presenter Sir Patrick Moore.

“I was in hospital once and I watched a whole episode of Eastenders. I suppose it’s true to life. But so is diarrhea — and I don’t want to see that on television” – Sir Patrick Moore

Neither do I, Sir Patrick. Unless it’s on House. [Read more]

Does science know for certain that women’s vaginas aren’t causing global warming?

I doubt it.

Think about it. Women’s vaginas smell ridiculous. That’s gotta be bad for the environment somehow. Until I read a study saying otherwise, that’s what I’m going with. It’s common sense. [Read more]

Men are like grapes. We’re awesome when we’re young, and we’re awesome when we’re old and rasin-y.

Women are like broken pianos. They’re 500 pounds, they sound like shit, and in order to get rid of one you’re going to have to do some serious conning. Also, when a broken piano is 70 years old, it still isn’t worth a damn without fifty grand of restoration. [Read more]

They’re both fat as shit.

I was just talking to a lady on the subject of lesbians and how their bodies look strange and Grimace-like, when I received a scientific study from a reader about the very same topic.

Scientifically speaking, men are better than women at being gay; and that means staying in a shape that doesn’t resemble a discarded peanut.

Also, do you know any famous gay women? I don’t think there are any. Martina Navratilova wasn’t famous for being gay. She was famous for looking like a donkey kicked her in the face. [Read more]