Fool Me Once, Shame on Me

Men are better than women at procuring loans. Bank loans, personal loans, whatever you want. Think of this situation.

A man approaches either you or a bank and asks for 10,000 dollars or pounds sterling to start a computer repair store or a restaurant.

“Sounds interesting.” You might say. “Tell me more.”

You’ll probably get an interesting answer. Now picture this scenario. A woman approaches you and says you should give her the same amount to start a bead store or a stationary store or some fucking online shit that sells crappy, hand-made jewelry to shut-ins with seven cats. Whatever it is I have a pretty good idea of what either you as a man or you as a bank as a bank would say:

“Fuck you, bitch. That’s the craziest shit I’ve ever heard.”

That’s because from their purple micro mini skirts to their puce stiletto heels women are a grab bag of mixed signals and lies. Are they a hooker? Are they blind? Is this woman some kind of chiratic vampire that feeds on clashes of colors? Whatever the truth behind the bullshit is, it will take some digging to find. It’ll take some digging to find your money too if you errantly decide to throw it into the sink hole that is a woman’s business sense.

Last time I checked banks are in the business of making money. And the last time I checked was very recently. As a man, I’m very interested in money. Money is how you keep score in life, so as a man I think about it more than I think about sex. All men do, but you’ll never read that in Cosmo. Women would hate to see their sole purpose linked with their greatest aphrodisiac and the last time I checked Cosmo was in the business of selling magazines. What else you won’t read about in Cosmo is how many Man Points you’re loosing by reading it — a shitload.

52% of men applying for a commercial bank loan receive it.
39% of women get theirs.

-National Foundation for Women Business Owners

That’s not gender discrimination. There is no such thing as gender discrimination at a bank and there has never been. The whole shit is a myth. Banks are like a hundred men crammed into a hot-box of money think. A boiler room of man brains forced to ponder on money with such extreme prejudice and deliverance that by 8:00AM the only gender they give any kind of a shit about is Green. Money. Women don’t get loans as often as men do because banks look at their proposals and say to themselves, ‘Gee, I bet giving this crazy ass Art History major five grand to tour Europe with a backpack and Birkenstocks would be a stupid fucking idea. Why the fuck does the word boyfriend show up on this chick’s loan application six times?’

Denied. Try asking the Bank of Daddy, sweetheart. He’s always open for business.

Women are less trustworthy than you can throw them. Bullshit, Dick, you say? No shit at all. If you don’t believe me measure how far you can throw a 300 pound woman. Then see how far you can walk away after trusting her with a two pound Cinnabun.

The defense rests. By the way if you do that, make sure you know the Heimlich maneuver.