Caught Red Dildo’ed

Remember a time in history when women didn’t trip all over themselves to be the first to talk about their dildo collection at a social engagement. Fuck. It’s getting to the point where an office birthday cake can set the harpies off on a ten minute discourse on the best boyfriend they ever had — and still do have.

I have two words for that: ina-fucking-ppropriate.

That’s two words. I just mixed them together.

As if we needed any more proof women are ten times more obsessed with sex than men. Well here’s the dildo in the coffin: the Dildo.

I can hear the wave of righteous squawking even as I write the following.

The dildo is a woman’s best friend. Fuck diamonds.

It’s the sound of millions of women all over the Earth wallowing in their “sexual reclamation” like a million headed sow in a cesspool of truffles and pig shit. A dildo is sexual empowerment you say? More like it’s proof that men are better than women.

Dildos prove women are lazy as fuck when it comes to sex. They’re so lazy that they actually have to take a cell of energy (invented and manufactured by men) and apply it to their pleasure process in the form of two AA batteries. What a joke. The most a man has to put into his sex toy is 50 dollars for dinner and a movie.

I’m kidding because that’s obviously not true. Men also have to do all the work in bed and then usually have to go so far as to remind the woman to get the fuck back to her own house when it’s over. Holy hell, I’ve even heard cases where a post-coital man was expected to garner the wherewithal to transport said sex toy back to her apartment! Now what the fuck is that all about? Do women go to the movies and then just sit there until the cleaning crew tells them to fuck off? I doubt we’ll ever know because that would mean a woman went to a movie without a man and that would mean that she paid for it — something that women never fucking do.

How many men have fake women’s asses at home? I don’t know any. And I also don’t know any women who are sans the Plasticine penis they wish they had. By a simple mathematical equation, it means women are infinity more obsessed with sex than men.

So what’s the myth? It’s not that women are sex fiends, I already did that one. The myth is that the plague of dildos is any greater today than it was in older times. The only difference is that the women of yesteryear knew not to call them “sexual empowerment devices” and instead use their correct name: deviant sex toys for whores.

That’s because it makes the whole experience better and they figured that out while they weren’t wasting time and sixty grand pretending to learn shit in college. Women are sick in the head like that. Call them a whore, slap them — they love it. Any who says she doesn’t loves it twice as much.