Why Does My Mother Wear Army Boots?

I received this email today from a woman reader by the name of Kelly who, like most women, is allergic to grammar and capital letters. Instead of printing her thoughts out and wiping my ass with them as I enjoy doing with all female inquiries and any other emails that should have been written with an e-crayon, I decided to answer it on this month’s Ask Dick.

i don’t know what has happened to you, maybe you are just some single man, (which, by reading some of your articles, i would bet good money on)…

If I weren’t too manly to know that obnoxious little configuration of commas and colons that looks like its rolling its eyes, I would type it here — but I am so I cannot.

Women can’t start, stop, or be in the middle of asking anything without being condescending and insulting. That’s why all female bosses and managers are referred to as bitches — because they are bitches. QED.

I’ll summarize Miss Princess Complex’s email instead of pasting it verbatim because you’re all men and I don’t want to waste your valuable time.

…why would we [women] go into the military? i personally, am going into the air force. Why would i do such a thing if i would follow hitler?

Quick answer: for all the wrong fucking reasons.

Women never do anything for the right reasons. It’s just like how they drive places or eventually figure out how to turn on your stereo when you expressly told them not to fucking touch it since they were too impatient to learn how to turn it on properly and toplessly. Sure, they might get to the end of the maze, they might get your five thousand dollar B&W’s to pump some Dixie Chicks, but at no point were they on the right path.

Why would we go into the military?

Women who enter the military are trying to prove something. It doesn’t matter who they’re trying to prove it to: their fathers, their husbands, God; it’s all the same person: a man. And that’s the end of my explanation. That’s also the end of my explanation for why women shouldn’t be allowed in the military to begin with.

Women are frantic and retarded in the face of stress. Haven’t we all seen the face of a woman trapped in a yellow light or waiting helplessly in the checkout line for her boyfriend to fetch a bottle of soda? Is that the face we want in the cockpit of a fighter pilot with her petrified thumb on a half ton of cluster bomb? Sounds like a half ton of clusterfuck to me.

Of course not. But we men have sewn ourselves into a dickle of a pickle. Instead of shuffling women to the side of life as our great mancestors did before us, we invented technology to cover up for the female creedo of blundery. Things like automatically shifting cars and cameras for those pesky parked cement blockades that come at reversing cars recklessly at up to seven miles an hour — we invented those things to help women cope with life. However, not even technology can make the army female friendly.

Women shouldn’t be in the military because they’re only there to show that they can run, jump, and shoot as good as a man — and not any and all men, just a few of them. Just the one that shoots his mouth off the most. Good for you, sweetheart. All you proved is that the glass ceiling is very real, it’s painted with rainbows of fantasy and delusion, and it’s buried about a mile below ground. See, being in the military is about a hell of a lot more than proving something to yourself. It’s about honor and service and going above and beyond every fucking thing you think you ever were.

Have any of you seen those planes that can take off vertically? How about a stealth bombers? Those are military planes. Regular planes look at those and say to themselves, ‘fuck that’s above and beyond every fucking thing I thought I ever was.’ And that is exactly what I’m talking about.

If your goal is to be as good as a few men, well then you already fucking failed because the Army tee box for men is about a mile back up the road. And what the fuck does Hitler have to do with anything?