Child-Man in the Promised Land: Response

Recently myself and were mentioned in an article about the maturity of today’s twenty-something male culture. Since the article was written by a woman, not only was it petty, wish-washy, and wrong by a country mile; it was also focused entirely on marriage.

Marriage and a willingness to be married is not the definition of maturity. It’s actually the opposite. Unless screaming at the people you love because some pastries are two hours late is the benchmark of maturity. I’m pretty sure it isn’t, though the article didn’t mention either way.

Men are better than women at being 20. This holds today as much as it ever did — including in 1965. Here is my response to Child-Man in the Promised Land.

It sucks.

First of all, “child-man” is awkward. “Man-child” rolls off the tongue as smooth as man-silk. When you’re building a case against people who act a certain way — something called prejudice — it’s important to make your slur as catchy as possible.

The guiltiest a person can be is when they’re a catch phrase.

Kay Hymowitz defines a “child-man” as a modern young man who “hangs out in a hormonal limbo between adolescence and adulthood.” I’m pretty sure adult men want to fuck the shit out of Jessica Alba too, so I can say for certain that the modern twenty-something man is mired safely in hormonal adulthood.

But here’s something else. Did anyone else notice that Kay’s last name looks a lot like “Hymen”? Gross.

According to Kay Hymen-owitz, playing video games every night and laughing at fart jokes is a not only a lazy thing to do, it’s also the mark of a bad father and inattentive husband. This, she claims, is different to the young men of 1965 who allegedly aspired to nothing but fatherhood and bill paying.

“It’s 1965 and you’re a 26-year-old white guy. You have a factory job…you’re married…one kid…you’re an adult!” – Kay Hymowitz

In other words, today’s men no longer aspire to become anthropomorphic ATM’s.

Fred Flintstone


Fred Flintstone says more about the twenty-something male culture of 1965 than I ever could.

“Why can’t they invent something for us to marry instead of women?” – Fred Flintstone, circa 1960

That’s straight from the zeitgeist of an era. There is no difference in a general aversion to women and marriage between the men of today and the men of yesteryear — and the men of 10,000 BC. Marriage is fucked and stupid and women are annoying. Nothing is ever going to change that. Least of all video games and Maxim.

Remember the Loyal Order of the Water Buffalo? I do because I’m a man and I remember all history — even the parts that make me look stupid. Women don’t remember any history — especially the parts that make them look stupid. That’s where most date rape stories come from. Remember that next time a woman opens her yap and starts inventing history on the fly.

A woman’s definition of history is exactly how badly she wishes the present was different. If she’s really fat and she really hates herself for it, then a woman will remember a time when beauty was radically different than it is currently. This was never the case. Fat broads were always the boner equivalent of shit-Kryptonite. Two hundred years from now, no one is going to look back at an iPod commercial and think everyone in the twentieth century was attracted to black silhouettes who could keep a groove.

If a woman feels cheated that her mother was happier being a wife than she’ll ever be as a journalist, she invents a halcyon past of chivalry absolving herself of all personal responsibility. Spend more time at the gym and less on your resumes, ladies. Prince Charming doesn’t care how fast you type.

Fred Flintstone is possibly the greatest cartoon father ever to live. But based on the above quote, Hymen-owitz would probably call him more of a nasty and bitter misogynist than she called me. It sounds to me like a degree in Cartoons and Cereal teaches you more than one in Journalism and Women’s Studies.

There is no such thing as the emergence of a “child-man”, and I’ll be fucked if some woman thinks she’s going to criticize today’s young men for anything. Men have a natural disdain for women and an understood “betterness” over them. That’s what happens when the thing you stick your dick in also happens to suck at everything. The Loyal Order of the Water Buffalo was the of the stone age.

Men: 1, Women: 0.

Video Games

Video games are a lot like a movie except you have to be smarter than a woman to figure out how to interact with them. That’s why women hate them. Video games are proof that men are smarter than women.

Have you ever seen a woman play a video game? She’ll just sit there staring stupidly at the television as her character dies or her guitar hero fails spectacularly. She won’t even mash the buttons. No matter how you spin it, inaction is the essence of failure. To a woman, video games are a mirror that reflect her soul.

Video games are a mark of immaturity? Hardly.

The video games men play are rated explicitly beyond the purchase of children. They’re violent and cruel and they should be. Men ourselves are violent and cruel. No woman was cruel enough to send millions of young men overseas in World War II to die in mustard gas and chemical infernos in order to save an entire race of people. No woman did, and no woman would have. Women can’t even leave abusive spouses, how the fuck could one have handled Hitler?

Just because something has “games” in it does not mean it’s childlike and simple. “Women” has “men” in it, but that doesn’t mean they’re worth more than two shits in a diarrhea storm.

Men: 2, Women: 0.


Making a list of things you want people to buy you is something children do. But when “grown-up” women do it, it’s called a Bridal Registry. And why the fuck do full grown adults need a seating chart? That’s childish.

A woman’s addiction to wedding fantasies starts strongly when she’s a child and become more obsessive and psychotic over time. Nothing about that resembles maturation. It’s the opposite. Women are the only creature on Earth that becomes less mature with experience.

Weddings are the ultimate in childishness. It’s a birthday party with two extra zero’s on the bill. Instead of birthday hats, a wedding has suits and gowns. Instead of a clown, a wedding has a priest and a string quartet. Instead of a spoiled brat, a wedding has a bride.

Men: 3, Women: 0.


Getting laid is the meaning of life. Everything else is garnish. Garnish for women so that they don’t have to feel like sex toys even though they are.

When it comes to the opposite sex, the only thing men are concerned about is getting busy as often and as cheaply and as nakedly as possible. And sex is so contrary to childishness that it’s illegal to do it with them. That’s called being a pedophile and it will get you on Dateline.

Men love sex and sex itself is so mature that children are barred from exposure to it. Whether it’s internet pornography or even swear words. That means if you like sex, you’re one mature motherfucker.

Hand holding, love poems, soul mates, and the childish bone meal that make up women’s delusions about sex are the fodder for school yard romance all around the world. Now who’s childish? Fucking women are childish.

Men: 4, Women: 0.

Baby Boomers

Today’s young men are free to fuck around because there are still a shit load of baby boomers around running the show. That’s the real truth of this issue. Maturity is like a gun. Just because you have it, doesn’t mean you have to use it. In fact, using it inappropriately will sometimes make you look like a humorless dick.

“[There’s a] New Girl Order, hyperachieving in both school and an increasingly female-friendly workplace…” – Kay Hymenowitz

Hyper achieving women? How many women invented Google? The same number of women who’ve fucked me for free. None.

The fact is the new generation of men are holding up the internet with man-sized shoulders like a virtual Atlas. Women know nothing of what it takes to run a civilization and Kay Hymen-owitz is no different. Next time you need to attach a pdf to an email or a spreadsheet to a free porno website, who are you going to ask?

I’ll bet my cock it won’t be a young woman.

Furthermore, the workplace has always been female-friendly. Except these days, women think they don’t like getting slapped on the ass even though they really do. That’s called playing “hard to get”.

Men: 5, Women: 0.


“You wouldn’t know how to become an adult even if you wanted to? Maybe a beautiful princess will come along and show you.” -Kay Hymen-owitz

While I was on the Dr. Phil program sharing a single bathroom with 4 ladies — a fucking nightmare — Dr. Phil told me that all I needed was a good woman. I guess that makes Dr. Phil a raving misogynist and a perpetual child-man as well. Even if it’s true that this newage “child-man” needs only the love of a good woman to mature him like anti-free wine, that means precisely this:

There are no good women.

All women are cheating whores. At best they can be trained out of it, but really what’s the point? Pet ownership is a lot of work. Don’t forget that piece of advice if you do intend to do something stupid like get married.

Men: 6, Women: 0.

Single mothers

“…the plight of the single mothers means nothing to him” -Kay Hymen-owitz

There is no “plight of single mothers”. All a single mother has to do is open her legs and she’ll fall vagina first into money.

Single mothers are all either dumb or bitches. That’s how they end up single. Since whoring got them into the mess, it can certainly get them out.

Men: 7, Women: 0.


1965 wasn’t the end all be all of family structure. In the 1800’s every wealthy man had a mistress. Bill Gates would have had one for every night of the year.

“For the problem with child-men is that they’re not very promising husbands and fathers. They suffer from a proverbial “fear of commitment,�? another way of saying that they can’t stand to think of themselves as permanently attached to one woman.”

Either that or said women are all total bitches. A fear of commitment is like a fear of loud noises. In one case, your brain is telling you to get the fuck off the train tracks or you’ll soon be wearing your ass as a hat. In the other case, your brain is telling you to get the fuck off the aisle because after the divorce you’ll have only your ass to wear as a hat.

No one asks for a commitment without preparing to fuck you with surcharges. If you could fuck your cell phone, the provider contract and a marriage contract would be identical.

“That adds up to tens of millions more young men blissfully free of mortgages, wives, and child-care bills.”

It sure does. Men are more mature than women; seven to zero. Men win.

Child-Man in the Promised Land – Someone call the Wahmbulence
Other men guilty of having fun:
Tucker Max
Drunkasaurus Rex