Fuck Marriage

This is a very important and very special MenAreBetterThanWomen because it’s a treatise on my favourite topic: marriage. The conclusion is this:

Do not get married!

Do not do it now. Do not do it later. Do not do it for looks. Do not do it for money. Do not do it for sex. Do not do it because people want you to. Do not do it because a woman wants you to. Do not do it because The Bible says to do it. Do not do it to have children. Do not do it for tax purposes. And especially — the most important reason of all reasons every thrown into a reason oven and baked on Man degrees for a day and a half — do not get fucking married for love!

There’re three reasons why you shouldn’t get married, and when I say three I mean there are about a fucking billion reasons why not to get married. That’s one for every skin cell of the woman you’re dating that’s going to turn into a wrinkled mess inside of 20 years.

There are three big reasons though.

1. It’s against your manstincts.

When in the whole universe of fuck has a man’s manstincts ever been wrong about anything. I’ve seen a man punch through a wall twice in a row using his manstincts and not hit a single fucking stud. I’ve seen a man win 30,000 American Dollars at a Black Jack table using his manstincts. My cousin had a dog who wandered over 100 miles home from a stranger’s house in the course of two weeks. Guess what gender that dog was. I’ll give you a hint. It had a fucking dick.

Men’s manstincts are never wrong. That’s because men’s brains are super-charged with experience, a special lubricating coating I call Think Juice, and about 60 times the processing power of women. Women don’t have the brains to have instincts. They barely have the fucking brain power to walk upright. That’s probably why women used to wear gloves.

2. You don’t have to.

Have you ever seen one of those tags on the bottom of a mattress that says “Fuck Off. Don’t Remove This Tag”? I’ve never seen one, but I’ve seen plenty of comedians talk about them so they might as well be real for the purposes here. You know what happens when you remove one of those tags? Not a fucking thing.

How about this. Have you ever walked on grass where a sign said “Do Not Fuck Around on the Grass” or had a fourth pint when woman said you shouldn’t have a fourth pint?

Fucking of course! That’s called being a goddamn man. And what happened after you perpetrated that shit? Absolutely nothing. That is exactly what happens when a women threatens you with anything in exchange for marriage.

I’ve seen the fucking The Rock. I’ve seen every movie starring Nicholas Cage like six times because he’s the most mantastic actor of the day. I remember the part where his hot girlfriend threatened him with a break-up if they didn’t get married.

Scary huh? She was awfully hot.

The I also remember the part in The Rock when Sean Connery had hair and the US President didn’t sound like a fucking hillbilly. The Rock was a piece of fucking fiction. Real women never follow through on anything in their goddamn lives. Only women who are written by men do that. If a woman ever threatens you over a missing ring, tell her to go fuck herself. She won’t. Women are too sex crazed to stop coming back for it over some fucking ring. Please. We’re talking about the gender who’d fuck Lionel Ritchie because he can sing. You think they can cut off sex on tap over a dowry. Fuck you.

3. Plausible Deniability

If you go into a bank with a ski mask on a gun in your pocket, you’re probably going to get stopped at the door — or sent into some kind of fucking man trap, I don’t know. I don’t run a bank. Better yet, if you see someone in the middle of the street crack a beer, unbelt, and then drop their pants to the ground; guess what. They’re about to do something fucking stupid.

That’s what getting married is. You’re signing a fucking binding — a Fuck You binding contract in an imaginary, somehow non-sexist world where women have no earning power past 30, that says you will support their ass out of pure benevolence and with no expectation other than getting harangued by a raging fucking bitch about 6 years passed her prime.

Do not go into a bank with fucking ski mask on and a sack of potatoes in your pocket. Do not pull down your pants in public if you aren’t about to do something funny. Do not get married unless you can look in the mirror and say this:

“Hello, <your name said derisively>. Five years from now, I want to indefinitely support an adult woman long after she has stopped fucking me, started fucking as many other guys as possible, and always, always acts like a raging bitch.”

Trick question. You can’t say that because you’re a fucking man.