Women Are eStupid

Can I ask a serious question here? How the fuck are women supposed to be equal to men when they can’t harness the communication medium of the 21st century. The typed fucking word?

They can’t. Women can’t email for shit, they can’t do the text messaging each other on the computer thing for shit (I don’t know what that’s called because I’m a man), and they can’t do the text messaging each other on the phone for shit (same reason).

That’s why they do all three of those all the fucking time. They can’t get it right the first time.

How many times, as a man, do you have to fix a 1967 Dodge Charger with a broken fuel pump? Seven times. Once to fix it and six more times to hang out with your man friends and cruise for hot girls.

That’s a joke, but my man point which lies under the joke remains. Men do things the right way the first time and we do them expediently. That’s why we don’t take like a half hour in the sack. It’s because we know what the fuck we’re doing. Women wander aimlessly around the bedroom like they’re lost in a labyrinth of body parts.

“Am I supposed to twist this?”

No! You are not supposed to twist anything! You twist a bottle top. You twist a fucking screwdriver. Noticing a pattern? Twist things that are recyclable, not things that are attached to anyone.

Women can’t write emails for shit. They send them back and forth all day like they’re shopping for useless junk, each one more useless than the last. At first I thought the problem was women and their rampant illiteracy.

I’ve spoken before on this global epidemic. Something like 50% of women are completely illiterate. And I’m not completely sure, but I doubt that stat includes the number of women who can “technically” read, but actually cannot. Let me explain.

Women are like squirrels or chickens. I’ve seen a squirrel ride skis. I’ve seen a chicken play a piano. They both performed their respective tasks like shit and I’m pretty sure neither one knew what in the fuck it was doing, but “technically” they did it. Technically a squirrel can water ski and technically a chicken can play a fucking piano.

Technically women can read.

They completely can’t though. Give a woman a basic reading comprehension test. Let’s say a big red fucking sign that says STOP or a sign that says No Fucking U-Turns! 9 times out of 10 a woman will fail that test. Here’s another basic reading comprehension test for you. Take a woman to dinner and drop a bill in front of her. It’s all Greek to her unless she is!

It was at that point that I thought, ‘I’m a man. Of course the first thing I thought was right.’ And it was. Women can’t email for shit because they can’t read.

It’s not because their primary mode of communication is passive aggression. It’s not because they naturally assume the worst of any tone that isn’t expressly implied by facial signals or vocal intonations. It’s not because women in the workplace face overwhelming pressure and suffer a crippling paranoia. It’s because they can’t fucking read.