Take My Car…Please! No Wait Don’t

Any successful business venture is one of two things.

One: it offers a needed product or service at a better price or superior quality.

Two: women are whores.

What happens when you combine the two? I’ll tell you what you don’t get. You don’t get a valet service that brings a bunch of bikini clad bimbos to your house to park your guests’ cars — in a non-euphamistic sense.

How’s that for a door prize?

“What did I win, Mr. Masteron?”

“Dings all the fuck over your Hummer! Thanks for coming!”

Women should never ever be in charge of anything — especially expensive cars. Look at it this way: men like cars. Anything men like should be off limits to women.

What I’m talking about today is a rash of businesses cropping up across the globe that bring hot girls to your house in bikinis and have them park your friends’ cars for parties or Toastmasters meetings — I don’t fucking know.

I saw it in a segment on the news. When I tuned in, one of the girls was getting interviewed.

Interviewer: “Can you drive a stick shift?”

I didn’t need to see the rest of the report to know the answer. No woman can drive a stick shift. If you disagree, go look up the word “drive” in a dictionary and then kiss my fucking ass.

Women can’t handle a stick just like they can’t change a flat tire. Take the bad tire off, put the good tire on. Step one and two. What’s the fucking problem? The problem is that women can’t fill in any blanks. They are blanks so they sure as shit can’t fill them in. They just make more. Men, however, have a magical man-goo called ingenuity that powers into those blanks and holds society together.

One of the “gorgeous” valet attendants (probably a B or C lister, but I don’t know why you’d put that nonsense on the news) explained to me the process of parking a car. Apparently the secret to being a valet is the ticket stub. It identifies which key goes with which car. Since I’m not retarded, I already knew that.

Is there a man on the whole of Earth who doesn’t understand that process by the time he’s 19? Fuck no. Unless you’re the Bubble Boy and your parents haven’t paid the cable since you were 2, you understand how the valet system works.

The whole news story left me thinking of some way this brilliant idea — selling women for sex — could be incorporated into the business to business world. That’s a huge market after all. Then I remembered something: it already is.

They’re called secretaries.

Faster Disaster