If Only Money Could be Made Out of Chocolate

You know what kind of lame feminist bullshit I hate the most? Feel good, horn-trumpting, back-patting, we didn’t do shit but we deserve a parade, lame feminist bullshit.

Wait a minute. That’s everything that comes out of a feminist’s big fat mouth.

Dove soap has recently poisoned afternoon drive time with a campaign to sell soap to fat women. It’s just like the time Rolex decided to market to slovenly hobos who haven’t worked in eight years. Oh wait a minute, that didn’t happen because it’s fucking stupid. It’s just as stupid in fact for one simple reason. In order to be advertised to, you have to not be in the middle of averting your eyes in disgust and trying to choke down bile.

As if those husky women ads weren’t enough, Dove has now started this embarrassment.

The Campaign for Real Beauty.

Apparently women suffer from an epidemic of low self-esteem. That’s why they throw themselves at successful looking men like stunt-frogs in a Double Dare Physical Challenge. Because just like men, women think they’re worthless.

The Campaign for Real Beauty, you see, is trying to end that. Guess how. By taking free money.

If free money (donations for doing fucking nothing) could cure women’s self-esteem, then every woman on Earth would think she had a penis — or as I call them, magic self-esteem wands. The real reason women have no self-esteem is not because of lack of charity, but because they don’t ever do anything and they constantly fuck up. In a man’s world, that kind of low self-esteem is called good instincts. That’s why men don’t have low self-esteem; because we don’t fuck up like a hamster on fire running into a house made of toilet paper.

Just for fun let’s go over the reasons the Dove Ego-Inflating Charity was created — according to their website.

Over 50% of women say their body disgusts them.

Funny. I say over 50% of women and their bodies disgust me.

The body fat of models and actresses is at least 10% less than that of healthy women.

And a whiskey and soda is 100% more whiskey and soda than you need in a healthy diet. Here’s another fun fact: minimum wage is the most you need to earn to enjoy an acceptable quality of life in any civilized country. The message here is that’s precisely what women aspire to be: minimum wage.

67% of women think they “need to lose weight”.

This is the only statistic I have a problem with. The truth of it is that 100% of women need to lose weight. Start around the midsection, ladies, and when that’s all taken care of you need to lose about three pounds of clothes. Am I right guys. No seriously, I think I’ll start my own charity for this cause. It will be called the Masterson Fund to Put Fun-House Mirrors in Every Woman’s Bathroom on Earth. Our slogan will be, “Give Women a Purpose”.

In all seriousness, where can I sign up to give money to this travesty? And how can I make sure my monies won’t manifest in a slew of commercials encouraging women to sit on their fat asses and do absolutely nothing everyday?

Here’s a good alternative.

Enjoy Coke, Ladies. Not the refreshing beverage. I’m talking about Cocaine — because at this rate nothing else will make you feel worth a damn.

Dove’s glad handing run amok.