If History is a Stage, Women are the Gum Under your Seat.

Some people will tell you that women played a minor role in history. They’re wrong.

Women played no role in history. Zip, zero, zilch, nada, and fuck all. If you add them all up they equal women’s contribution to history: absolutely fucking nothing.

I was listening to a Wild-Eyed Crazy talk about the early domestication of dogs in a documentary. I’m a man so I enjoy that kind of shit. Why a woman was on a documentary that wasn’t also a sex documentary and also didn’t put her in a bikini, I do not know. However, this wacky broad posed a non-interesting theory:

The early domestication of dogs required extreme empathy. Thus, women did it.

Wow. That’s a doozy.

This is an example of what I commonly refer to as the woman cycle of dumbness. Women and their suppositions and cyclical-logic are like fire hoses that no one’s holding onto. No one has any idea where it started, it’s flapping all over the place, and none of it matters because if you stand there and try to deal with it, you’re going to get a twenty pound nozzle in your fucking face — a metaphorical nozzle of course. These aren’t men we’re talking about.

The early domestication of dogs required empathy? Let me guess, lady, you’re a crappy parent. Naturally I’m right. I knew immediately because I’m a man and all men know all things about everyone two seconds before they even meet them. That’s why men are so good in business.

One of the many things I’ve learned about women over the years is that they should never have a lot of things on their own. Pink slips, checking accounts, screwdrivers; mouths; and dogs. I guess you could call that Dick’s Big Five: What Should Be Completely Off Limits To Women.

All women do is fuck up dogs. A dog raised by a woman for more than five weeks is like a cream pastry puff without any cream in it. Would it be better if it had some cream filling? Technically, yes, but in the metaphor you can see what I’m doing there. I don’t need to walk you through it by the man-hand.

Women didn’t domesticate dogs. Fuck, you know what women did is just bitched every time a primitive man’s man brought a mud-ridden wolfe-mongrel into the cave! I can hear the shrill cries of it echoing in my DNA, ‘No paw prints on the shinnies!’ It’s been the same for a million years.

I’m sure at some point a revolutionary development will rock the world of women and their wacky delusions. One of them is going to figure out how empathy is responsible for inventing the wheel. And then we’re all fucked.