Let’s Talk Extended Warranty

Women may have club-footed their way into science; they may have even tight-sweatered their way into politics; but where are the female used car salesmen?

Nowhere. Men are better than women.

You can’t cherry pick equality. You can’t scoop off the top layer of the Jello that is life and say you ate the whole thing. The top layer is the most delicious part. It’s easy to eat.

Obviously, I’m talking about that three layer Jello, with the frothy whipped bit at the top and then the partially solid Jello in the middle and then the bottom layer of regular style Jello — maybe with some pineapple bits in it.

Well women have done exactly that.

Being a used car salesman is having a job. It’s a job that’s required to keep the economy and the world running and it’s a job men are better than women at.

A mini skirt does not sell used cars. It may sell gym memberships and extended warranties — fuck, a mini skirt will bring eyeballs into the dealership, but what it won’t do is actually sell. Women aren’t closers. Men are closers.

Women are openers.

In some way or another, all jobs are sales jobs. And in the way a man will take a small thing and extrapolate it into a very large thing, all of life is a sales job. That’s why women fail at selling used cars. They fail at life.

Being a used car salesman is the essence of being a man. Essentially, you’re selling somebody something they don’t want and something that will disappoint them. Women want all men to be their fathers. That would involve some kind of perverse sexual time travel that I can’t even conceive of in my highly evolved male brain. That’s how men disappoint women. We can’t figure out how to go back in time and seduce their mothers. Well nail me to the fucking cross.

Being a man is exactly like being a used car salesman. Women hate men. They hate us because they think about us every single waking moment of the day and that drives them insane with a sexual hysteria. Women take like two hours to get ready in the morning. Some women will tell you that’s because women are competitive and want to look prettier than one another, but that’s a stupid explanation. It’s stupid because in a competition, there has to be a judge. So what are women saying here? Women wear makeup to compete with other women? Well no shit. That’s exactly the point I just made. Women compete with other women for the affections of men.

Men are judge, jury, and sexecutioner.

It’s also a stupid explanation because a woman said it.

My main point is that women cherry pick when it comes to equality. They have a few doctors of math to their name, but I don’t need much math to count the number of lady garbage men. Women send a few of their rank into combat and declare their gender fit for battle, but where are the lady-drill sergeants?

They’re nowhere. Women can’t sell bullshit. That’s why men are better than women at being used car salesmen and everything else.