Luck Be A Lady Tomorrow, When I Don’t Need You

Men are luckier than women.

I’m not an idiot. I know that if a man flips a coin and a woman flips the same coin, they both have a 50/50 chance of getting one side or the other.

Actually, men probably have a slightly higher chance due to manliness.

It doesn’t matter anyway because men don’t dick around with games like flip the coin, where no matter how much you bet, you’re going to end up with the same amount at the end of the night. Men only bet when we’re guaranteed to lose. That’s why men love women so much. Women are a bad bet no matter how you stack your race card and no matter how young you bag them.

That’s also why men are better than women at Las Vegas.

Las Vegas is the greatest place in the world if you’re a man. First of all, you can smoke and eat a steak anywhere you want. You can eat a steak on a goddamn escalator and no one will stop you. That’s manly. There’s also no chance you’ll be having sex. There’s nothing manlier than that.

For some reason, the moment a woman arrives in Las Vegas, she expects some Saudi oil-baron prince or some kind of fucking movie star to show up and sweep her off her pudgy feet. No woman will admit it, but that’s what they’re all looking for across the craps table at the unwomanly hour of 11:30. Holy shit, a woman almost stayed awake until midnight! Make sure you don’t get her wet!

Research shows that you have to be in it to win it. That’s why men are luckier than women. You can’t get lucky sitting your fat ass on the couch all day. And you certainly can’t get lucky by not saying the biggest diamond in the world was found in South Africa when you have absolutely no idea what the fuck you’re talking about.

Was it found in South Africa? I still have no idea, but I do know what I’m talking about.

Men are all rebels and maverick renegades. When we see a big wall of odds in our faces, we bet everything we have. Women just turn around and go the other way. That may work when you’re lost in the mall for the fifth time, but it doesn’t work in life. The cure for cancer is not where you just came from — neither is the cure for baldness.

Women think there’s a glass ceiling because none of them have actually climbed up and tapped on it. There is no glass, it’s just air that shimmers in a funny way because of all the manliness going on above it.

Women in Las Vegas ruin Las Vegas. They don’t know how to play any of the games so everything gets fucked up and slows down. A chimp on a remote control Rascal could refill my seven and seven faster than those cougar cocktail waitresses with their sagging turkey necks. And would it kill more women to put out in the City of Sin? Haven’t they seen the commercials? Who do they think those are for? Men?

Don’t be ridiculous. Men already know what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. We don’t need it spelled out on a fucking billboard.

Men are better than women.