Men Are Man-Prettier Than Women

Here’s one of my least favorite Shit-A-Myths. It’s so sneaky and seemingly fucking harmless, I don’t think there’s a man on Earth who hasn’t said it without a second thought.

“Men are big and ugly while women are graceful, beautiful, and attractive.”

Women are none of those things. Women are clumsy, monkey-lipped, and gross.

I don’t know who the fuck started this myth. It was probably some 17th century Mangina — which just proves how awesomely powerful men are. Even when firing on only half their cylinders, Mangina men can fabricate lies that last through the generations. That’s manly!

There’s just one thing. It isn’t true.

Women are not better looking than men. Women are not better or as good as men at anything. Watch me unfold this like a deck of cards. You ladies out there — who shouldn’t fucking be out there and who are frothing at the mouth right now with anti-homosexual and anti-Semitic epithets for yours truly — be prepared to go fuck yourselves because I took all the Jokers out of the this deck.

Proof #1

The male of every other species on Earth is the more attractive one; from flora to fuck-off insects and fish. How about male peacocks — nature’s pimp? They look completely awesome. They look so incredible and man-jestic they should all just have sex with each other until nature figures out a way to get rid of those dumpy looking female peacocks.

Ever heard of a lion? Fuck off.

Proof #2

I can count the number of classical works of beauty and art of the highest antiquity that feature women on my penis. One. There’s only the Mona Lisa and as everyone knows that’s not even really considered all that great a painting. It’s just famous because of that book.

Michelangelo’s David, Van Gogh’s Self Portrait in a Grey Hat, da Vinci’s Man in the Circle Thing; each one an unforgettable masterpiece and all featuring men. If women were so fucking attractive, you think they could at least make a cameo in the art history of an entire species? Is it laziness or ugliness? When women are involved, it’s always both.

Proof #3

Women are so embarrassed at the idea of touching their own ugly asses, they won’t even admit it. Fuck, I admit that at least once a day. There could be no other possible reason for that shame.


In conclusion, the myth stated at the beginning of this dissertation requires clarification. It should not read, ‘Men are big and ugly while women are graceful, beautiful, and attractive,’ but should instead probably say something like, ‘Women will believe any excuse you tell them to get laid because they’re whores, even if a lifetime of mirrors is telling them the exact opposite.’

That even rolls off my man-tongue better; probably because I’m not choking on bile.