It’s All Downhill From Here

It’s part of human nature to go through a midlife crisis. You’re old, you’re bald, you’re comfortable in your job and your marriage; the only thing that will cure your woes is a brand new convertible.

Notice how I didn’t say “affair”. That’s how women go through their midlife crises. Men buy a cool new toy to toot around town with — maybe ruffle the feathers of the establishment as they blow through yellow lights at 65 miles an hour. Women fuck up their families.

I was doing some research on this topic and I found that the average age of a midlife crisis for a man is 46. That’s perfectly reasonable, I thought. That’s right at the point where a man realizes that the big drop in the roller coaster of life was at the beginning and no one told him to stick his hands in the air for it. He should have realized it because of the huge climb, but that’s not how it works. It’s over now and the rest of the ride is just humps and cheesy little jerks that make your neck hurt.

‘Keep your hands in the car at all times,’ haunts his dreams.

So a man does what a man does best: solves the problem. He buys an enormous TV or a ride on a helicopter or a sky diving 10 trip pass that gets used twice until he herniates his back and then everything is good like gravy in a matter of years.

Women, however, are different.

The average age of a woman’s midlife crisis is 17. It’s at that point when women get that glazed look over their eyes and start talking about ridiculous things like goals and dreams and a bunch of other bullshit that they have absolutely no intention of doing and aren’t to be taken seriously by any man over the age of 12. Men do that during their midlife crises too. They say things like, “I’m going to be a painter.” Of course he’s not going to be a painter. It is only a whim of silliness to be indulged for as long as it takes for him to realize that. That’s exactly how it is when a young girl says things like, “I want to be a lawyer” or “I want to be a doctor” or “I believe in animal’s rights!” Sure you do honey. Sure you do. Maybe we should give them the right to vote!

Of course I’m kidding. An animal shouldn’t be allowed to vote any more than a woman should be allowed to vote. Donkey’s and women vote in exactly the same way. A donkey will punch any chad you want for a carrot. Women just need a — well I’m sure you all already know.

A man’s midlife crisis is a desperate and brief act to reclaim a life he once had. That’s a woman’s entire life: desperation and grabbing onto straws that not only don’t exist, but never existed at all. For men, however, it is also a time to reflect on what stupendous things that he has accomplished throughout his life. A family, a career, a hilarious and amorously promiscuous neighbor friend with a funny catch phrase — these are the things a man will take stock of during a midlife crisis.

The only thing women realize during theirs is that they’ve never fucked a black guy.