The Never Ending Story Part 3

Lying is one of the manliest things that you can do. It’s so manly that it’s worth two hundred Man Points just like that — getting away with it anyway. On the scale of man-ness, that puts lying right up with making a disgusted face when someone tries to give you money for something and throwing sandwiches in the street for the hell of it. Oh yea. Lying is great.

In this modern world, we men have evolved with the understanding that a lie is usually the most efficient way to resolve a problem. That’s why men don’t have any problems with being lied to or doing it. If a man ever catches another man in a lie his first response is always, “Okay, but why’d you lie?” He’s genuinely asking. That isn’t some woman-gambit bullshit where no matter what you say you’re fucked. Like, “Do you think Angelina Jolie is hot?”

Fucking of course I think Angelina Jolie is hot. Everyone does. If you totaled up all the money every guy on Earth would pay to fuck her, you could build a golden rocket ship out of clay and sunshine that carried all the fourth graders on Earth to a magical land of faeries and wizards. Don’t ask stupid questions!

By the way, “There’s no such thing as a stupid question.” Yea that’s wrong. Here’s some questions that I have heard women say with my own ears.

“But will it work if I press the wrong button?”
“Are Glade Plug-ins electric?”
“But how are you supposed to know what ‘Check Engine’ means?”

No. Yes. And you’re not, you wreck-happy bitch. That’s why you let a man know about it. When there’s a problem, let a man know about it and it will magically be taken care of. That’s all you have to do. It’s our job as men to take care of the shit, and it’s a woman’s job is to sit and look pretty and do as little as possible. Women should pretend that they’re in one of those rooms with mousetraps and ping pong balls at all times. One move and the whole shit goes haywire. That’s why a woman’s job is never done, because as hard as they try women still can’t simply sit the fuck still and shut their fuck mouths.

Let me give an example of the way in which a man lies. Unlike women, men are notorious for giving good presents to their families. I’ve already discussed this, but when I did, I didn’t mention that the man-secret to good present giving is secrecy itself. That’s why men can rarely explain large cash advances that appear on their credit cards during the night. It’s a lie to protect women from learning about something lovely that they’ve just been rewarded for doing absolutely nothing.

If that’s not romance, I don’t know what is. Every lie to a woman is exactly the same. They’re always done for the purpose of protecting women as the top priority.

Women suck at lying. When a woman lies, she doesn’t do it to protect anyone. Women lie like a broken 3-D Eye poster. There’s more complicated shit than you could shake a stick at, and the longer you stand there and stare in confusion at it, the less you understand.

When women lie, they give as much information as they can as quickly as possible. It’s so much information just laid out of the table that Encyclopedia Brown’s retarded cousin Larry could figure the shit out in about two seconds. Women are such poor liars that the crap they come up with doesn’t even count as lies. They’re just the biggest run-on sentences in the world sprinkled with the odds that you’ll probably give up listening completely as soon as she starts talking. It only works because women are impossible to listen to and you have better things to do with your time. If you can manage to pay attention for more than two sentences though, you’ve got her by the balls.

“Lemme get this straight. You couldn’t hear the phone because you were at a club, and then afterwards Carrie called you from home because she needed a ride to her mother’s house at 10:30, and you could hear her call because you were outside smoking at the time, but you couldn’t go get her because you left your purse in her car in the first place and that’s why you’re late. Okay, I only have one question.”

Then where the fuck did you get the cigarettes? A dude. Now here’s a man’s version of the same event.

“My cell phone was out of batteries.”

Brilliant. As if a man would ever let his cell phone run out of batteries.