The Crappiest Vault in the World

I was coming back to the office from a late lunch today and much to my dismay the elevators were broken. At least they probably were. They were taking way too long so I took the stairs. In the stairwell, there was a small piece of paper on the landing.

“Paper?” I said. “On the ground?”

Now, I swear that this absolutely true. The paper said the following:

1. Smoking
2. Drinking
3. Never Listens

Tap dancing shit! I thought. I know exactly what this is.

There’s an old saying that goes, “Two men can keep a secret so long as one of them is dead.” I think it’s a cowboy saying or something, but I hope it isn’t as it is a load of bullshit. As many men as you want can keep a secret because men have a little thing called integrity. One man, ten men, a hundred men; if any number of them give their word they’re not going to tell anyone about your dark doings, you can proceed with full confidence that they will not.

Take me for example. I know hundreds of terrible secrets that I’ve never told anyone. One time I dated a girl who liked to bark like a dog during sex. Disturbing yes, but also humiliating and something that I would never divulge.

That’s the difference between men and women when it comes to keeping secrets. If men ever tell betray someone’s trust or good faith, it’s for a good purpose; like to organize an intervention or have a laugh over a pint. It’s all the same shit, everybody wins. It’s not to harvest themselves some sweet pity like it is for women. When women keep secrets — well, how about I let the list speak for itself.

4. Condescending about school
5. Always tired after work
6. Lesbian pornography!

The pornography was emphasized.

Women will take every secret you tell them and store them away in a bank vault like a doomsday device. As soon as they feel like they’re being fucked with (which could be at any random time. Nothing you do has anything to do with it), it’s Show and fucking Tell at the Apollo. Her and all her friends will come back from the next bar-cruising, girls night out thinking you’re some kind of perverted workaholic and incidentally also wanting to fuck the shit out of you. That’s how women work.

7. Cigarettes in bed
8. Makes fun of my mother.
9. Likes to be peed on

Men hold secrets and their opinions in their heads where they belong. Women, however, have both on the tips of their tongues — or even worse: written down on a piece of litter. I can picture his list for their next counseling session already.

1. Constantly fucks up.