Miss Teen USA is Functionally Retarded

At a dog show, even third place is still a good specimen of dog. It might not be the best, but it’s a damn good dog. No one’s showing up at the Westminster Kennel Club with a dead monkey on a leash.

Third place at the Miss Teen USA pageant, however, is a mildly-functioning, retarded jackass.

I don’t know whether to criticize the Miss Teen USA pageant for this, or congratulate them on finding such an accurate ambassador for the female gender.

Just kidding. I would never criticize a Miss Anything pageant. They get enough shit from fat broads and Dove soap as it is.

At a recent Miss Teen USA pageant, Lauren Caitlin Upton was asked why 20% of Americans can’t identify the US on a map. This was her answer.

I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps, and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as and I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., er, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our children.

For this Gordian Tongue-Twister, and for her pudgy shoulders, Miss Upton was awarded third-place.

The Miss Teen USA pageant exists to exemplify the most desired traits of teen-woman kind. I’ve mentioned elsewhere that women have shitty role models. If my daughter grew up to be Gloria Steinham, I would put the rest of my kids in pinata and mail them to an orphanage in Afghanistan. That said, this is not another case of Lindsey Lohan needs a slap, or a Tara Reid needs some underpants. This is a case of injustice.

I could not think of a more perfect role-model for young women than Miss Lauren Caitlin Upton. That’s why I’m awarding her the coveted MenAreBetterThanWomen.com Honorary Man of the Month Award. You may not be the hottest teen in America, Lauren, but you don’t have anything to worry about because failure is carb-free.

Women don’t know shit about shit. And more importantly, they don’t know they don’t know shit about shit. Fuck third place. Lauren should have been crowned with a $500 handbag for that impressive and clueless fuck-up. It took her an entire day to even realize how stupid it sounded. Now that’s womanly! Third place is for the woman who looks the male judges in the eye while she’s answering.

If I have a balloon animal making contest, and some clown drives a tank onto the stage, he’ll be disqualified. A tank is awesome, but it’s not a balloon animal. A woman might be able to regurgitate The Prince when asked how the U.S. should conduct it’s foreign policy. It’s a good answer, but it’s not womanly.

Lauren deserved first place. Unless there was a contestant who got lost on the way to the pageant and couldn’t call for directions because her cell phone bill ran out of decimal places, this was robbery.

Also, if that statistic is true, I’m betting 100% of that 20% are women.

Call me when you wear off those chicken wings, sweetheart.