Hocus Pocus: Women Are Dumb

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The reason women gobble up Feng Shui, healing crystals, and all that other bullshit like pigs at a trough, is because their vaginas aren’t worth shit after the age of 26.

They need something to fill the gap.

Don’t believe me? When was the last time a woman over 26 didn’t lie to you about her age?

All human beings need a purpose. We need to have something to give, because it means we get something in return. That’s human nature. We men can feel good about ourselves without being promiscuous whores because as men we have skills and ideas instead of positions and tongues. That’s also human nature.

That’s how the laws of economics apply to the job market. What a manly thing for me to have just said.

That’s also what the Smurfs was all about: in a perfect world, everyone has a job and doing that job means a bunch of other jobs get done for you. As a man, I understand that. The only philosophies women draw from the Smurfs are that it’s okay to fuck a hundred guys, and that anyone who cares more about the Smurf berries getting eaten by an ogre than pining to fuck the only girl in town is gay.

Straight guys have to eat too. Eating is like sports and having one last pint. To men, they’re both more important than getting laid.

All men have a purpose. I’m hilarious and everything I say is a supernova of truth. That’s my purpose. Women, however, exist to get fucked. Actually, I take that back. That’s only true until they’re 27. After that it’s a desperate slide into Hocus Pocus and expensive baloney.

Mature Women’s Studies (ages 27 and over)

101: Psychics and Clairvoyance (ages 27-32)

The first step to getting a degree at the Women’s Academy of Mystical Bullshit is to believe in psychics with all of your little heart.

The reason women believe in clairvoyance is because they need to have something to give. A 27 year old vagina isn’t something to give anymore, it’s something that needs care. It needs to be tagged as un-marriable and checked into a convalescent home. Without their vaginas, women cling to a world of clairvoyance and foresight like bits of shit onto a sinking toilet.

“If I believe in psychics, doesn’t that make me a psychic?” says a woman. “Doesn’t that mean I have something to give?”

No. You don’t have to be psychic to spot a cougar from twenty paces.

201: Feng Shui, Tarot, and Horoscopes (ages 33-38)

Feng Shui is the art of a woman turning her fuck-ups into a stockpile of Karma, and her husband’s success into the depths of her understanding of a cheap-shit wheel made in China.

If women read enough books on this kind of crap, they all figure out the same thing: nothing ever was anyone’s fault, men aren’t better than women, and no man has ever succeeded because of hard work and dedication. It was because he was born on a Tuesday.

No, ladies. It was because he was born with a cock.

The Chinese have a saying about Feng Shui. Roughly translated, it goes, “white women should shut their fucking mouths.”

301: Magical Healing (ages 39-45)

There are many types of magical healing, but there has only been one Jesus.

The difference between Jesus and every woman who has ever picked up a book on healing crystals, acupuncture, Reiki, aromatherapy, homeopathy, magnetic healing, aura therapy, faith healing, therapeutic touch, and anything else that starts with a sucker and ends with a bill, is that Jesus was remembered after he died. That can’t be said for any woman who has ever owned a book on how to be a reverse Bogeyman.

That’s women in their 40’s for you: just as dumb as women in their 20’s.

401: Angels (ages 46 and over)

As a man, you can have opinions and lengthy discussions about religion. As a woman, you can shut the fuck up about religion because you don’t know what you’re talking about.

A miracle is when a 747 doesn’t crash into an orphanage. A miracle is when you get shot in the head and it somehow misses your brain. A miracle is not Jesus Take the Wheel by Carrie Underwood — nor is a miracle any other sob story about some dumb cunt who couldn’t understand a cell phone bill let alone a dogmatic philosophy.

Angels are not the man you couldn’t please long enough to stick around and take care of you. They live in heaven. Why would they give a shit that you locked your keys in your car.


All women lie about their age. To narrow down the number, ask her which of the above topics sounds most appealing. Toss in the Socratic Method as a laugh. If she thinks you meant Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch, order up a round of Rufitini’s on me. She’s just right.