The Heart of Darkness Should Have Been Called Golden Girls

This is going to be one of my most controversial articles to date. I say that because I don’t even agree with it. In fact I’m disgusted by it; but that’s the burden of being a man. Even if you don’t agree with the truth or if you’re disgusted by the big fat obligation you have to keep shucking out the dough for, you do it. You do it and you shut your mouth.

Or in some cases you open your mouth in order to speak the truth. And then sometimes your mouth is a metaphor for fingers, which can do writing unless your hands are cuffed behind your back for some reason. In that case, the mouth can still be just a mouth. You understand.

Recently a woman in Philadelphia, America tried to set the new style record for Pulling a Bobbitt. You can read more about it by following the link at the bottom of this article. For those of you unfamiliar with the term I just fabricated, Pulling a Bobbitt, it involves extreme male genital mutilation and should never ever be discussed by anyone ever for any reason.

In fact the only people who do openly talk about it are women who will never be married or have children because they have Erection Killing hardwired into their system like a region encoded DVD player. How’d you like to watch a DVD of Baliwood’s finest? Well I certainly wouldn’t, but I also can’t because my DVD player is set for Region 2. So go fuck yourself, darling.

Monica “The Claw Cow” Randolph is’s Honorary Man of the Month for the month of May.

I know what you’re thinking.

“Has Dick lost his fucking man-mind!? There’s no way that crazy bitch should be given the highest accolade this site has to offer! What the fuck!”

What the fuck indeed. I only have one thing to say in my defense. Does this raving and vindictive banshee not embody everything that is woman?

Let’s look beyond the female hysteria for a moment — and also the “charges” of domestic assault, battery, rape, and I guess the illegal super-adhesive glue from the future that kept her feet from walking her ass out the door before resorting to such grotesqueries. Let’s look at what makes a woman.

A woman is a collection of mindless impulses and instincts. That’s why they don’t ever know what the fuck they’re doing. They just can’t understand. God, or chance, or your subconscious — or whatever the fuck you believe in didn’t give women the powers of logic and brains like He/It/You did to us men. He gave them only a foul instinct of mistrust and a temper like a possibly broken firework. Is it going to blow at any second now? Absolutely no one fucking knows, but if you want to find out, I suggest bringing a big stick.

Being a man means being true to yourself. That’s called integrity. Men have the power to adapt themselves sure, but women don’t. That’s why Monica “The Claw Cow” is’s Honorary Man of the Month — because she’s true to her gender. If she were a man, that would be a mark of only the highest integrity.

By the way, the article on Monica below is full of snide, anti-male remarks written (likely) by an unmarried miserable shrew of a woman.

Taking Penis Envy Too Far


I was so disgusted by the candor of the author in the above story, that I emailed Miss DiFilippo ([email protected]) the following:

Dear Miss DiFilippo,

I assume you are a Miss because the kind of male-hatred and general human malice you demonstrated in your attempt at “humor” in the recent article “A Genital Reminder” would certainly disqualify you as a potential mate for any man.

I found the article’s light-hearted nature to be inappropriate at best. Your indifference to a major suffering, not only in one man’s life, but also in the life of a possibly abused and mentally ill woman is alarming, disturbing, and disgusting — especially for a woman who has luckily found herself in the position of a potential role model for any local girls who may have realized that Paris Hilton is a whore.

Frankly, I’m offended. Thankfully, however, I am not surprised as this is exactly the kind of behavior a man is to expect from a woman; a vile, vindictive, sort of un-aimed desperation that cheapens life.

It made me sick,

-Dick Masterson,

I suggest everyone do the same.

UPDATE 5/24/06

The always cordial Miss DiFilippo responded to my email with biting personal criticism!

uh, and i suppose you’re married? i feel sorry for that poor woman …

Dana DiFilippo
Philadelphia Daily News
(215) 854-5934

I responded in kind.

You wouldn’t be if you knew how incredible I was in bed. How’s that for a fortune, cookie?

-Dick Masterson