The Longest (And Most Annoying) Yard

Recently, I was buying some shirts, socks, and various sundries at a retail store. Of course something like this is always a major disaster for a man because at some point, there’s a good chance you’re going to have to deal with a woman.

Maybe a woman will be sitting in an aisle of the parking lot, completely blocking traffic, while waiting for another woman to load six carts of crap and two poorly behaving children into her SUV. Maybe some female-type will be asking you to register to vote or sign some dumb fuck petition for saving an animal she secretly wants to fuck.

Or maybe she’ll just be the damn cashier. In this case, she was the damn cashier.

Something about women and money just doesn’t work. I don’t know how to fix it either. It’s pretty fucking obvious women can’t be taught how to handle money — at least not while vaginas are around. The obvious answer is to then make money somehow less appealing to women — to make women money-averse.

Perhaps we could introduce newly colored bills and call them ‘Low Calorie’ money. Same value, but less calories — and with pictures of Pamela Anderson and Eva Longoria making out on the front. I don’t know, but that seems like a pretty good place to start. What I do know is that would get women avoiding money like the plague. Naturally, old ‘Regular Calorie’ money would be phased out.

Or maybe we could all just start calling money ‘work’.

I was paying for part of my purchases with a gift card to said retail store. And since most purchases don’t add up to exactly 25 quid or 50 dollars or whatever you have, I assumed it wouldn’t be a big deal to split up the check.

Boy, was I fucking wrong!

When I posed this idea to the female cashier, she acted as though I had just asked her to sign a prenup — which I definitely would in this girl’s case, just like in every girl’s case.

It’s called an incentive. Women need incentives with every step that they take. They need a compliment to not eat another scone. They need a pat on the back to feed their fucking kids. They need a slap on the ass to do even a half-assed job. That’s why under no circumstances do you marry a woman without properly man-incentivizing her to not steal half of your fucking assets for completely no reason.

It just doesn’t make any sense.

End of the story? I paid for my entire purchase with a credit card. I’m not in the habit of wasting all my fucking time teaching cashiers and women how to subtract by 30.