The Car Says…Vroom

Women love purses and shoes and all kinds of other glittery shit that wouldn’t turn the head of someone in need of an exorcist. It’s true across the board too. Don’t let any woman tell you that she’s not into it — or anything else for that matter — because she’s lying.

There isn’t a single woman alive who can resist the charm of a cheap looking handbag made by a pack of orphans in another part of the world who are whipped and starved half to death everyday while they slave away over a pair of pink flip flops with little snowmen wearing sunglasses on the bottoms.

See. That’s how easy it is to make a hot women’s fashion. Just think of the stupidest thing you can think of: flip flops with snowmen wearing sunglasses. Look at me I just shit myself with the cutest fucking thing ever seen on the beach. How about a cat with a little pilot’s hat flying a bi-plane. And his name is Oscar the Flying Kitty.

Fuck I just made myself sick. And also — as a warning for you teenage men out there — those kinds of cutesy bullshit things are not signs that a woman is fun, easy going, or interested in snowmen or anything else that they might seem at first glance. They’re actually signs of the exact fucking opposite.

Now we get to the part of this article — what I like to call the meat of this article — where we discuss how men are better than women. Today it’s because men like sports and cars and sports cars and not purses, shoes, lip gloss, cheap-shit jewelry or anything else made by whipped Asian children.

Cars and sports are totally different. Firstly, no one is whipped. Second, they’re both awesome in the most man-tastic of ways. And if you’re a woman who doesn’t want that proved to you right now, you should stop reading this and get the fuck off of my website.

Cars and sports and men talking about them nonstop, are all ways of sharing experiences. To men, everything we do is about growing emotionally and sharing. Women wouldn’t know that even if it punched them in the side of the head because men don’t hold a fucking parade for themselves when they’ve broadened their horizons by an inch and three community college courses, but it’s still completely true.

Cars and sports are about going fast and feeling the speed and ultimately — wielding the kind of power that men have to wield on a daily basis to keep the entire fucking world spinning in place. That’s why we talk about these things so much. To learn from each other and be helpful. If you listen to women talking about their useless knick-knacks on the other hand, all they’ll talk about is price. Typical.

Women only want to expand their horizons if it involves a shirtless, pretty-man guru of some kind. That’s why their hobbies and interests are all stupid-ass junk and also immature.