Women Have Cooties

Men have more androgen in their systems than women. And androgen, as any biologist or man can tell you, is not only the key ingredient of awesome, but it also creates thicker more resilient skin.

But there’s another reason why women’s faces fall the fuck apart the second they hit thirty — a reason that has nothing to do with the Make-up Biologique.

It’s because twice every day of their lives, women plaster enough goo and junk on themselves to choke a donkey.

Why do they do this? What am I Mr. Answers with the answers to everything?

You bet your ass I am.

Men, can you remember the last time you went to bed with a woman without hearing either of the following:

“Don’t touch my face. I just put some face softening and melting cream on it so it’ll be fucked in ten years.”


“Hey can you pass me the remote so I can get lotion and shit all over it that will never come off and will make your hand smell like vanilla every time you watch TV.”

No you can’t, and neither can I. That is, unless you’ve had the pleasure of not sleeping with a woman yet. And if you have, let me tell you this. Women do not look even look close to the fucking same in the morning. It’s like night and day. No I take that back. It’s like Technicolor and not Technicolor. You can fill in the blanks from there I’m sure.

Now, I’m not saying that’s bad. Women are still beautiful and unique things. Just don’t try to convince them of that in the morning or you’re the new fucking Hitler.

What we’re getting at here is a bigger issue. And that is that all women are not frauds exactly, they’re just embarrassed to be women.

They wear masks every day of their lives to cover it up. They wearing clothing that says they’re a size or two smaller than they actually are — as if we couldn’t tell. Hell, if they could get away with it, they would wear strap-ons and fake Groucho Marx moustaches and call themselves men.

They couldn’t get away with that though. Because then none of them would have jobs or SUV’s sitting in the driveway to take them to Starbucks after a long day of doing absolutely fucking nothing.

If I was a woman, I’d be embarrassed too.