Spitzer to American Women: Lighten the Fuck Up

There’s a lot of truth to the old saying that American women are the most awful, entitled, and certainly the dumbest whores on the planet.

Actually, it’s 100% true.

Eliot Spitzer, the governor of New York, was recently busted for his participation in a “high class prostitution ring”. “Strange behavior for a Democrat,” I thought. After all, a high class prostitution ring is just a sexier version of Reaganomics. Eventually, that money “trickles down” to the cheapest whore.

But enough about politics. What Eliot Spitzer proved was that American women are the dumb cunts obsessed with sex and self-loathing that everyone thinks they are. American women not only live in fairy tales in their own minds, but they vote with that same candy cane and gingerbread nonsense — or whatever it is that comprises fairy tales.

Politicians have had extra-marital affairs since the beginning of time. Expecting that not to happen is like asking an athlete not to dope up. You can’t ask them to not dope up, you can just ask them not to get caught. Grow the fuck up. Those are million dollar contracts out there.

“I have acted in a way that violates my obligations to my family and violates my, or any, sense of right and wrong.” – Eliot Spitzer

The only sense of anything that was violated here was my man sensibilities for having to listen to a man apologize.

A politician should have one goal in mind: represent the people. And also to kick ass. According to a poll conducted by TIME Magazine, 61 percent of Americans think adultery should not be a crime, 50% of Americans believe Bill Clinton’s morals reflect that of the average man, and 100% of women can shut the fuck up.

It’s not wrong to be an adulterer if it’s not a crime. And if 39% of people think it should be a crime, then it isn’t. Welcome to America. You can hold a caucus in the Feminist Studies Union and call adultery “wrong” if you want, but you might as well hold your own cock in the Student Gym. You’d get more done and you’d definitely get more attention for doing it.

Prostitution should be legal — or at least as legal as getting pregnant without a man’s consent. Politicians should be able to fuck whoever they want — just like any man who makes six figures. And let’s have some real news on the news.

The bottom line is that American women are the reason this non-news is broadcast in the first place. Instead of hearing about global politics and Iraq (which women also caused with their big fat asses), America is tuned to the station of Another Woman Couldn’t Please Her Husband — Boo Hoo.

Let me tell you something about men. Each zero you add to the end of our net worth adds another woman to the number it takes to please us. Politicians are worth loads of money. Don’t cook up a sex-roast if you don’t have enough hands in the kitchen.

In the future, American women will have their mouths duct taped shut like they are in the rest of the world. I mean that metaphorically, but I really don’t care if it is or not. Men like Kevin Federline and Eliot Spitzer are going to lead us into this brave new world. Eliot Spitzer made one small step for a man, and one giant leap for mankind. Congratulations, buddy.

You American women need to settle the fuck down and grow up. You’re all a bunch of frigid cunts and getting a little action on the side is not a big deal. She’s not going to take away your precious free car.