Men are masters of terror. Men like Wes Craven and Stephen King.

Men are also better than women at terrorism.

Recently, a woman fucked up some terrorism so badly, she blew herself up in the middle of an empty street. That doesn’t surprise me. A woman once asked me if they always put fresh oil in during an oil change.

No, they buy some oil off eBay. Get a fucking clue.

Literally “oil change�? means changing the oil in your car; just as literally “suicide bomber�? means someone who whacks themselves with a vest made of plastique. Women don’t learn the point or purpose of anything. They just learn as much as they need to ask another stupid question or otherwise make a spectacle of themselves.

Here’s the suicide bomber story as I understood it from the newspaper. I don’t know why a woman being incompetent and trying to fuck up everyone’s day was considered news, but it was. Plenty of lady doctors fucked up today and none of them were in the paper.

A lady suicide bomber took a run at a bank in eastern Baghdad on Tuesday and was gunned down by Security Man Guards before getting close enough to detonate.

Here’s my question. How the fuck do you get caught suicide bombing when you’re wearing a big black tent around yourself? I have smuggled an entire eighteen pack into a concert wearing only bluejeans. If I was wearing a black mumu, I’d have been packing a stealth keg. Either the woman in question was already 250 pounds, so she looked like a stuffed Christmas ham bulging with dynamite running all over the street, or she got her suicide bombing directions mixed up. Women mix up directions all the time. That’s why they don’t think before they speak. They only think after you yell at them.

Or maybe in Baghdad women aren’t even allowed in banks. If that’s true, it only makes this sad spectacle that much more incompetent. If a bear was trying to get into my bathroom while I was taking a shit, I would sure as hell shoot it. Bears don’t belong in my bathroom. Therefore, if a bear is trying to get in there, it’s probably not got good things on its mind.

I’m awarding a trifecta of Man Points today. One for men, one for guns, and one for the troops.

How do you say G.I. Joke in Shiite?