The Big O

I was recently watching some television (where a properly inspired man can learn just about anything he wants) and I learned some alarming statistics.

70% of women have never had an orgasm during sex.

That’s interesting, I thought. I would have guessed it was way lower than that because really who gives a shit? You can’t squeeze blood from a rock. Then my suspicions of data tampering were confirmed.

85% of men do not enjoy performing oral sex.

Horseshit. The correct percentage is 100.

Men are better than women at having orgasms during sex. It’s because if men were as bad as women at it, there would only be like 50 people. And all of them would have headaches. Men are in it for the species and we don’t let our personal problems and frigid attitudes get in the way of that.

That’s an on going theme with women. They let their personal problems get in their own way and everyone else’s way like an out of control fire hose of gloom and doom. For example how many women have you seen crying at the workplace? Although she probably had good reason for doing so, she probably also forgot that there is no good reason for crying in the workplace. Perhaps the boss was responding too well to her thinly veiled sexual invitations — or perhaps he wasn’t responding enough. Either way it’s bullshit. A Woman at work is a kitten stuck up a tree. No clue how she got there, constant crying, and no way to get up or down.

What a coincidence that that perfectly describes women in the bedroom as well.

Women (and men who are lying to get laid — completely masculine kudos for you men too because that’s a good strategy) will tell you that it’s somehow a man’s fault that sexually all women behave like Godot — or Guffman, whatever you want. This is wrong. If women really think it’s a man’s fault, then shouldn’t it also become a man’s charge to get a woman’s fat ass into the gym every once in a while? Because they definitely don’t relinquish that right at the same time. Try it yourself and see. Though you might cost yourself two to three weeks of crappy sex.

If a woman’s orgasm is a man’s responsibility somehow then let me tell you what becomes a woman’s responsibility. How about not gaining 25 pounds and not jawing endlessly about nothing before, during, and after sex. How about not insisting that men and women can be friends or any one of a million other “wilters” that women seem to have on tap like men have answers and good advice, and that they spout out like they’re playing fucking Family Feud.

“We asked a hundred people what is guaranteed to kill an erection. My new professor at community college is really nice to me because he thinks I show an excellent knowledge and passion for the subject? Survey says!? Ding fucking Ding.”

Women will never stop doing any of that though because the last thing any woman wants is a healthy relationship — sexual or otherwise. That counts for the female orgasm thing too. What oh what would a woman do without the ability to endlessly bitch about the alleged “sexual inadequacy” of her partner to all her catty friends? Women priorities are fucked like that. They feel guilty lying to their life-sucking succubus friends, but not at all guilty about making your love life miserable. Go figure.

The day women take responsibility for those cluster fucks is the day that I single handedly end the drought of female orgasms. Good thing we know that’s never going to happen though, because like I said…100%.