Truth in Manvertising

Myth: Men are blundering incompetent jackasses.

If you’re some kind of alien and you watch a lot of television (or even a little bit of television), you’ll be presented with one thing: men are lazy idiots who can’t get anything right the first time unless they’re gay — and the only way they get to have sex is with money.

The assumption there is also that you’re of an alien species that doesn’t have gender. If you did, you would already know that women, no matter what the species, are nature’s cruel joke on man.

Watch television for about five minutes and you’ll see at least one of the following:

A man getting hen pecked (most likely a fat man) for not doing a unisex job.
A man not knowing how to behave around his significant other.
A man fucking something up.

In all my life I have seen the last of those things maybe twice, and I have never ever fucking seen it while a man had a tool in his hands. Television and more specifically commercials, say otherwise.

You know why that is? That’s because women are validation craving harpies. They’re gluttons for having their asses kissed and every man in every marketing company on Earth knows it. Want to sell a woman a new car or a pink cell phone or some moisturizer for her face that 20/20 already fucking proved does absolutely nothing? The answer is simple: just tell her that men are jackasses. It has nothing to do with face moisturizing, but women are too bamboozled by having their egos stroked to notice.

That’s not the case with men because we don’t go in for that kind of slander. Men are only about one thing: being positive. That’s why our commercials — commercials for beer, cars, and erectile dysfunction; show people having a good time and not getting shit all over.

“I like having a good time and other people having a good time,” says a man watching the television. “Perhaps I should get some of this beer, car, or erectile dysfunction.”

Seriously, when’s the last time you saw a commercial for some woman product that wasn’t about how stupid men are? Tampon commercials don’t count because they’re gross. That answer is never.

Women car commercials? They’re about how women can dump men as easily as they can change their car — neither of which woman can do because they’re clingy and they don’t have good jobs.

Women exercise commercials? They don’t exist because women are lazy. Women exercising are commercials for men.

Next time you see a man acting like a jackass on TV (and you’re not watching the actual show Jackass), just remember that women need to metaphorically have their self-esteem blown if they’re going to buy anything — including into a relationship with you — and some man in marketing figured that out a million years ago.

Men being stupid on TV is a testament to our unending greatness.