Ask Dick: Why is Prostitution Illegal?

The following question was sent to me by a reader Erik.

Here in America prostitution is illegal, yet pornography is completely okay so long as all participants are eighteen and over. This is what confuses me: Is pornography (that is to say, intercourse between two parties) not the same as prostitution?

Why is prostitution illegal?

Good question, Erik. Now prepare your mind for a mantomic explosion of answer.

Prostitution is illegal because women hate the fuck out of each other.

Men love women. I’m a man and I love women so much I would have sex with all of them if I could. Even the fat ones.

Fat women are like dessert trolleys. They’re stuffed with desserts and they’re no good in the sack.

Let’s look at the facts.

Men give women free cars and free money so women can drive to the mall and blow that free money on useless bullshit. That’s nice of us. Men also built strip clubs and Hooters so women can easily put themselves through medical school. Again, quite nice of us. Do you know how much money strippers make every night for doing almost nothing? Like two grand. That’s just more good old benevolent men footing the tab at the foot of the stage. Men are like fire hoses of altruism. It doesn’t matter if you’ve got the window closed, we’re busting it the fuck down with generosity. Clean yourself up.

That’s where prostitution comes in. Men invented prostitution so no woman anywhere would ever have a single problem in her life.

Unless you call too much sex a problem!

Women’s magazines, women’s financial manuals (which include such gems as: be more confident when asking for a raise. While you’re at it, grow a penis, honey jugs. That’s about as likely as a woman growing a backbone), and women’s fitness classes, are all full of lady-problems solved very easily by man’s first invention: prostitution.

Prostitution is the only way in the world you can get free money. You don’t even have to stand in line like you do for welfare. Prostitution comes to you.

Have a bite of this logical Manwich.

All women use prostitution to get free sushi without batting an eye. Sushi is fucking expensive. Ergo, women use prostitution to get free money. Or is every woman at a sushi bar somehow not a prostitute?

The reason prostitution is illegal is women hate seeing other women having it easy. Remember how many women called Anna Nichole Smith a whore when she married that old rich guy? Look at how many women hate Heather Mills. Yes, Heather Mills is a cunt, but women don’t know that. They just hate Heather Mills because she has it easy.

Women are nature’s spanner. Once you’ve got some shit together and some man cogs lined up cranking out the good times, in is chucked a woman and mucked go your gears. That’s what women did with prostitution.

I think that’s what the Bible means allegorically speaking when it says Eve ruined the Garden of Eden. Prostitution was busy solving all the problems of womankind while men solved their own, but women had to go and wreck it with a fucking fascist crusade. I don’t know what the apple means as a metaphor though. Maybe it just represents something shiny. Women will do anything for shiny.

If you really want the whole scoop here, I can only recommend the following. Pay the next woman you’re going to have sex with 20 bucks before you do. And make sure she knows what it’s for.

You’ll thank me for it.