The Blackberry: Releasing a Woman’s Inner Bitch

I have a Blackberry, you have a Blackberry, let’s all go have a fucking parade about it.

Or let’s just use our Blackberrys to get the job done like men.

And that’s why women should not be allowed to have Blackberrys. They don’t use their Blackberrys to get the job done. They use their Blackberrys like the morphine drip you get at the hospital after back surgery. When you need a dose of morphine, you hit the button. When a woman needs a dose of attention, she whips out her Blackberry during dinner like it’s totally acceptable.

It’s not acceptable. It’s rude. Dump that bitch like an anchor.

Giving a woman a Blackberry is like giving her a permanent excuse to behave like a rude, inconsiderate pig.

Men use our Blackberrys for business — emailing and such. And also, finding where awesome restaurants are, like Big Wang’s which is located at 1562 N Cahuenga Blvd. And sometimes, we use our Blackberrys to show all our drunk friends a picture of an awesome set of hooters that some chick just text messaged me.


Naked pictures of hot tits is the only kind of sharing a man should do. All other sharing is for ladies.

A woman once asked me why I don’t keep my Blackberry on the nightstand when I sleep.

“Why the fuck would I do that?” I said.

And why the fuck would I do that? The middle of the night is my time for sleeping and dreaming about being the keyboard player for Dethklok. I’m not going to interrupt that to answer some shithead’s question about why men are better than women at playing marbles.

It’s because men have finesse and are used to handling balls.

But that’s exactly the point. Women can’t deny attention — no matter what kind of attention it is, no matter how married they are, and no matter what time it is. If it’s three in the fucking morning, a woman wants to know that someone is trying to sell her Viagra. If it’s in the middle of a conversation with a man, a woman wants to know what other man wants to have a conversation with her.

When you give a woman a Blackberry, you’re giving her an IV of attention.

Every time a woman’s Blackberry vibrates, she’ll jump like she’s got an electric collar. That’s because women are addicted to attention. Have you ever seen a dog with an invisible fence electric collar? A dog will hear the beeping and just about shit himself. It’s the same reaction a woman has when her Blackberry starts going off like a jackpot.

Blackberrys are like Dumbo’s magic feather, except instead of flying, a Blackberry gives a woman the power to act like a rude bitch.

To a man, someone else’s importance is based on a complicated algorithm of their wealth, influence, and proximity. Manly stuff. To a woman, someone’s importance is based on one thing.

First come, last served.

Have some kids with a woman and you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. Daddy comes last.