Women Are The Special Olympics

If there’s one thing you learn after dealing with the mentally handicapped for an extended period of time, it’s that they all want one thing: to be treated equally.

Also graham crackers.

Women are a lot like the mentally handicapped in that way. The only difference is women don’t deserve it — equality or graham crackers.

History is filled with examples of disabled men overcoming obstacles and taking care of business in a manly fashion. Several presidents have been handicapped. Also that guy from Goonies, I’m pretty sure he was retarded. One thing, however, remains the same. No matter how many chromosomes a man is born with, he wants the playing field even. Fairness is unto manliness. He also wants to be treated the same as everyone else.

What a surprise that a woman invented the Special Olympics.

The Special Olympics is for the mentally handicapped what a Chinese lady with an umbrella is for me. It’s something I do not fucking want around. Chinese ladies will stab your goddamn eyeballs out with those things. The Chinese character for ‘opportunity’ is the same as ‘crisis’, and I’m willing to bet that’s not the only Chinese character with a Chinese double meaning. ‘Umbrella’ in Chinese is probably the same as ‘eyeball toothpick wheel’. That’s why the Chinese don’t like baby girls. Their women can’t even carry umbrellas correctly, their little girls must be fucking nightmares.

One time while I was watching the Special Olympics, I saw a retarded weight lifter throw up about two gallons of orange juice. It was so hilarious I still think about that image at least once a week a decade later. Does that sound like the kind of thing the mentally handicapped need?

No. It’s humiliating. The mentally handicapped need training for minimum wage jobs and volunteers to help them keep their shit together. They don’t need committees planning fucking parades and testing them for steroids just so they can go out and throw up a cubic foot of orange juice on national television. You can’t not laugh at that no matter who you are. Jesus would have laughed at that.

Women need national recognition for their accomplishments; physical, emotional, or otherwise. Men don’t; whether we’re mentally handicapped or not. Let’s say a woman married a millionaire with no penis. Well that’s the greatest accomplishment a woman can achieve. You bet your ass she’s going to want a parade.

When a woman hits the gym for two weeks in a row, she needs an Olympic sized parade in her honor. That’s why women have such a hard-on for the Special Olympics. They think accomplishments aren’t accomplishments until they’re shoved down everyone’s fucking throat.

I respect the shit out of retarded athletes. But that’s where it ends. I don’t print the sentiment on a bumper sticker and then tackily adhere it to the chrome backside of a fifty thousand dollar SUV some man paid for. That would make me a woman instead of a different gender which brims with class and discretion. That gender is The Man.

I respect retarded athletes so much that I laugh my ass off when they vomit two gallons of orange juice all over the place.

Now this is a true story. Many years ago I was with a friend in a bowling alley who was not only too drunk to bowl, but he was also too drunk to not have passed out on the floor of the bathroom. When I found him like that, I did what any man would do. I kicked him in the stomach. Whether you’re mentally handicapped or too drunk to not get kicked in the stomach, it’s hilarious when you throw up. The only difference is, Drunk Guy Olympics wouldn’t make women feel like they’ve done something with their lives.

They haven’t.

Did you know the Special Olympics is the only organization legally allowed to use ‘Olympics’ in its title? That’s true. It’s just like how women are the only other species legally allowed to use ‘man’ in their name. Except for Manatees, which are a fat and slothful creature for which nature has only one equal: women.