Ask Dick: How Manly Was The Apollo 11 Mission?

The following question was sent to me by Marco Urso.

Thousands of years of research, thinking, and inventing from men all over the globe were put on display that day to boldly go where no man has gone before (and within the scheduled time frame).

I am talking of course about the Apollo 11 Mission and I wondered exactly how manly was the first manned flight to the moon?

I don’t know if all of you men know this, but no women were involved in the planning or execution of the Apollo 11 mission to the moon.

Here’s a short list of other amazing projects no women were involved in:

All of them.

Women are involved in projects like Plan The Baby Shower 2003 and Let’s Watch American Idol For the Third Night in a Row. Fuck, read a book. In other words, worthless projects that only women give a shit about and that are washed away by a changing time slot.

The Apollo 11 mission — and also many other things men have done — left a mark on the Earth so dramatic that it wasn’t even on the Earth itself. Let me put it this way. To erase the doings of the Apollo 11 mission, you actually have to leave Earth and go to the moon. That’s about as permanent as it gets. Imagine if you wrote your ex-girlfriend’s name and phone number on a bathroom wall in Rome. Well I don’t have to and let me tell you this: her fury would be of immeasurable magnitude.

That’s exactly what happened with the Apollo 11 mission except it is immeasurable in greatness and manliness instead of lameness and womanliness.

There’s a great fable about a king who went to the beach and told the ocean to go fuck itself. It’s great because telling anything to go fuck itself is a manly thing to do. He was also the king doing this, which is a further element of manliness. Well that’s what the Apollo 11 mission was. Man himself tamed Mother Nature years ago. She’s just a woman after all; prone to fits of rage and non-stop weeping. In the end, all we needed for protection was a well crafted blazer and central air conditioning.

The Apollo 11 mission was mankind walking to the edge of the Earth and telling the universe to go fuck itself. We go where we please, when we please.

The Apollo 11 mission was approximately as manly as the time Babe Ruth called his home run and the building of the Hoover Dam both mixed together like meats in a manwich. The Apollo 11 mission was also at least as manly as The Wicker Man starring Nicolas Cage. You really have to see that movie to know what I’m talking about — and I definitely am talking about something. If you haven’t seen it, I have only one thing to say:

Major loss of Man Points.

I hope I’ve answered your question, Marco.