Say Green. Greeeen!

Here’s a fun rainy day man-tivity; open up a magazine or your old high school yearbook and try to find what all the women smiling back at you have in common.

I’m not talking about the fact that they all gave up their dreams within five years of taking that picture or that the model in the magazine gave up something else five hours before taking that picture. I’m talking about something else.

Give up? They all look fake as shit.

Women can’t smile. Well, technically they can. Just like technically they can hold jobs and raise children. Technically a woman can do anything her pretty little head can fancy up, which isn’t much because women don’t excel at fancying up things. Practically, however, women can’t do a goddamn thing. And as a man that’s where I live; in the world of practicality.

Women can’t smile properly. They have dead eyes, their mouths are usually cocked weirdly to one side like a hooked fish, and if you’ve got your fingers crossed you’re going to see something delectable, you’re going to get arthritis. What I’m saying is that your fingers will be crossed long enough to aggravate the joints into an arthritic condition.

If you don’t believe me, I’ll wait right here for you to scrounge up some old family photos or ask the nearest woman to take a picture. She’ll say no of course, because most women subconsciously think that having a picture taken is a form of rape — something that feminists support en masse, but if you manage to distract her with some shiny objects or a wad of money, you’ll see what I mean. She can’t smile.

When I first started this article, I thought it would be an easy one. Like jumping into the middle of a conversation and humiliating every woman who speaks simply by repeating her statements. Try that out some time. It’s because no one listens to anything said that’s being said if it’s being said in a woman’s voice. It’s a listening efficiency because you know what you’re going to hear will be horseshit. The easiest way then to show how absurd a woman is being is by repeating what she’s just said in a man’s voice so people will actually listen.

What I thought was the obvious: women can’t smile in photographs because they’re self conscious. Well that’s obviously not true. That would require self respect, which women definitely do not have. What about deeper then? I thought. Is it possible that women can’t smile in pictures because they’re completely devoid of both happiness and souls?

No. That’s not true. Not the soulless and mirthless part. That’s provably true. Just ask yourself this, have you ever seen a woman clown? No. And if you did she wasn’t funny. The part that isn’t true is that women can’t smile because of their personal handicaps. I’ll just skip to the point here. Women don’t smile in photographs because they realize that if they ever take a good picture, there’s no need for them anymore. It’s similar to the way bills or data files are scanned into a computer and then shredded, or the way ancient texts are archived to microfilm and then stored in enormous warehouses in the middle of the Earth where no one will ever call on them again. A picture of these things contains them in they’re entirety.

Accounts payable, the Rosetta Stone, women; their worth can be summed up in simple red, blue, and green. In the case of women, said picture can be stapled to a donkey or llama and it might actually result in more pleasant conversation.

What the model gave up, by the way, was her dignity.