Curse Words Make Sugar-Plum Fairies Cry

I can’t count the number of times I’ve been chastised by a raving schoolmarm (who should have been minding her own fucking business) for tossing a few baudy, blue color words into a conversation. As a man I use swear words, or “sentence enhancers” as I call them, with extreme discretion and in proper taste at all times. That doesn’t seem to be enough for women though.

And why would it be? It is perfectly reasonable.

Women say that swearing is uncouth or inappropriate. What I say to that is, are you fucking serious? That’s the stupidest of shit that I have ever heard it. And I’ve heard plenty of stupid shit.

The real reason women hate swearing is because they actually think curse words are magical.

It’s no secret that women believe in fairies and Easter bunnies and princesses in far away castles and ogres and bullshit. They’re raised on it like calves on bonemeal, and it’s so ingrained in their psyches that the process of inventing wildly delusional and fantasic drama governs the entire rest of their lives.

The truth is that swearing puts asses in the seats. Swearing gives something with no credibility a shitload of it — like ten times. Swearing is how you make a good point a fucking great point.

That’s yet another reason why men are better than women. Because we men like to make things better with our man-tools, be they physical (like a wrench or an anvil) or figurative (like swearing, or thinking, or a round of fisticuffs). Points, seats, quality of life; it’s all the same in a man’s world — something to improve.

A woman, on the other hand, prefers to invent crazy reasons not to use the tools readily available to her in order to achieve. In this case I’m talking about Casper the Ghost and Scooby the Boogeyman who both hate swearing so much that I guess they’ll commit suicide if they hear you doing it. I think I speak for all of us men when I say: You gotta be fucking shitting me here.