Thespianism and the “Female Orgasm”

I thought of a brilliant plan to make a Hollywood disaster film last night. And I don’t mean a disaster film like with tornados and an attacking horde of Stay Puf’t Marshmallow Men. I mean a disaster film as in a massive box office failure. A film in which no dollars are recouped. A failure so bad that cash pours out of the bank like someone’s broken the dyke.

Are you ready for it? Here’s the idea.

Have a woman star in the lead role.

Just like the first time they let a woman on the space shuttle, any movie that allows a woman to helm the lead will be a huge fucking catastrophe.

Here’s a list of the top grossing movies of all time:

1. Titanic – male lead
2. Star Wars – male lead
3. Shrek 2 – male ogre lead
4. E.T. – male alien lead

The list goes on and on — so I’ll stop there because this site is not about going on and on, it’s about getting to the point as quickly as is prudent; a manly thing.

Men are better than women at acting. You can go look it up yourself or you can just take my word for it, but nowhere in the top 100 highest grossing films of all time is there fucking one that has a woman as the main character. In fact, the only movie where a woman is important to the story at all is “What Women Want” starring Mel Gibson, and I only say that because I haven’t seen that movie and nothing on the face of the Earth could make me.

Women can’t act, they can’t sing, and they’re not funny — they have as much place in the public forum as a mule at a beauty pageant yet still they stumble in with their sash clamped between their enormous teeth braying for their time in the spotlight. We all already know why; because women will do anything for attention — anything. Good or bad attention, it doesn’t matter. They’re so addicted to it that if prostitution was legal, you wouldn’t even have to pay for it. Women would have no need for money, living the life of luxury and swimming in a life-sustaining, media-maelstrom of attention.

That doesn’t answer the question though. Why does no one give a shit about movies based on the lives of women? And also why can’t women act?

Women can’t act because there’s only one emotion they know. Greed. The one-horned, green-eyed monster. Acting requires familiarity and the ability to display all kinds of emotions. To women, that’s like asking a pile of shit to play darts with you. Good luck.

No one gives a shit about movies based on women because a main character who latches onto everything like a leech, ruins all it touches like an angel of Armageddon, and all the while has absolutely no redeeming qualities; makes for a shitty story. Just describing a woman character ruined this paragraph. Now imagine two and a half hours based on the same shit that ends in a crappy apartment with sixteen cats. Box office disaster.

It’s a good thing Hollywood only gives a shit about equality when it’s on the screen and not behind it. Otherwise 50% of movies wouldn’t even require a poster. They could just go straight into the local video rental discount bin of Who Gives a Shit.

If you want to see how poorly women act just remember the last time one tried to slip a fake orgasm past you. Pitifully amateur, right? Among the myriad of things women will never understand is that there’s a difference between “buying the bullshit” and just not giving a damn. Let me explain.

I’m giving the Trick-Or-Treaters candy next week whether they’re convincing or not. You say you’re a Power Ranger? That’s fine. I don’t really give a shit because I’m a man and dress-up pretend time isn’t in my Man Bag. Your costume is your business.

It’s the same thing.