Antidepressants Are Depressing Me

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Of all the women I know who are on antidepressants, 100% of them have told me.

When it comes to women and their stupid mental problems that I don’t give a fuck about, I wish patients had to respect the doctor/client confidentiality agreement as well. That would not only make my life a lot less whiny, but it would also make every first date happening in Utah on any given Friday night about two awkward silences smoother.

If you weren’t aware, Utah has the highest per capita female usage of prescription antidepressants in the world. No one knows why, but it’s probably because Utah is extremely religious, and we all know women take to religion about as well as they take to using whiskey as a lubricant. It stings you for a minute, it stings her for a lifetime.

Men are better than women.

Men do not air our dirty laundry all over the place like we’re doing the world a favor.

First of all, men have an infinite number of classifications for “used?? before we get to “dirty??. That’s how we stay attracted to women — no matter how many kids they have. Used does not equal dirty. Just because a pair of jeans are in the washing machine, doesn’t mean they’re dirty. Maybe you just sat on a Gummi Bear. It’s not like you shit yourself.

Secondly, men are better than women at taking prescription antidepressants.

I have known a friend of mine for two and a half years. Just this weekend, I found out he had a kid. I am manlighted to say that at this rate, I won’t know about his Xanax addiction until a woman is sitting in the Oval Office — which will be never.

Women can’t shut their mouths about what they shove down their throats. Zoloft, Lustral, Effexor, Wellbutrin, Zyban, Cymbalta, Lexapro, Paxil, Aropax, Cutting, Anorexia; to women those are all just another word for attention.

Why else would the depression rate for women be double that of men? It’s not like any woman ever got rich as shit in her 30’s and then realized she married way under their league. Do they have a drug for that?

Medicare should cover divorces.

Since all women were born with an unlimited debtors account at the Bank of Vagina Fargo, I see absolutely no reason why they should ever be depressed. Other than the reason that they fucking love being depressed.

For women, depression is a time machine into a world of being a good for fuck teenager, who doesn’t know shit about shit except that the refrigerator is magic, the day starts at 2PM, and money is something Republicans invented because George Bush hates black people.

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