Ask Dick: Why Do Women Hate Porn?

diamatik has sent me the following question:

Dick, why do women hate porn?

Oh boy do they ever. And what’s worse than a woman who hates porn? A woman who loves porn. That’s a man-bear trap set loose in the conjugal bedroom that you just can’t miss!

“You know what would be exciting? We should watch some porn.‚Ä?

“Really?‚Ä?

Guilty! Not if you want to have sex you shouldn’t! Women hate porn because men are better than women.

Porno is the driver of progress and the father of modern entertainment technology. Did you know that? I did because I’m a man and I know everything. Many years ago, when Harvard Brainiacs were busy fucking around with sending data that no one gave half a shit about all around the internet, pornographers were harnessing this brave new world to electrify porno right into your computer monitor at home for several dollars a minute.

That’s called footing the bill for the foundation of a new era. Porno did that.

When VHS tapes cost over 90 dollars to purchase, who funded the expansion of this nascent and ultimately world changing industry? I’ll give you a hint. His name started with P and ended with orno. Porno.

Here’s another hint: men love him.

The modern world is built on porn. In fact, that is one of the first things men have in common with pornography. We’re both owed a debt by women en masse for building this world they trash on a daily basis. Women are owed a thanks for nothing — or a sarcastic thank you at best.

Women hate porn because it reminds them of what they already know and what they try to forget on a daily basis: they’re bad in bed, they’re fucking lazy, and they’re not good enough for you.

Women are bad in bed. Every single porno actress in the world is great in bed. Someone paid her some amount of money and then she hopped in bed without bitching about it. That’s called being great in bed. And it’s not called being a prostitute either because let’s be honest, when was the last time a man got a free lunch? Never. So what? Half of Earth are prostitutes? You can say that. You’d be right. But then there would be no point in having the word “prostitute‚Ä?. It wouldn’t describe anything that an already existing word doesn’t.

Women.

Porn actresses can also look their partner in the eye while they’re having sex. Women, who are all anti-porn, are too fucking ashamed of themselves and too emotionally stunted to do even that. Men are so emotionally mature we can have sex in front of a mirror. Even if we’re fatter than fuck.

Women are lazy. Even men who aren’t in porn look like they should be in porn. They’re fit as a fiddle with a six pack and they have confidence. Women who aren’t in porn look like they shouldn’t even be in public. Velor pantsuits that are two sizes too small, a fucked up tangled bush of hair atop their heads, regular shoes sans any sort of sequins; none of that is something I want to see when I’m walking around town. And if women did that more often (walked around town), maybe someone would grant them their ultimate fantasy and mistake them for a porn star.

The burden of being a man is that your woman is not good enough for you and she never will be. It’s a bitch, but it’s true. She isn’t good enough for you, your car isn’t good enough for you, your you isn’t good enough for you. You’re a man and you demand perfection — no, you demand better than perfection. You don’t stop until you can look right into the eyes of a porn and say, “Now that is what I’m talking about.‚Ä? Women can’t do that. When women watch porn, they see the eyes of their mother staring disapprovingly at them and hear her passive aggressively demonstrating how to be a failure. Think about that when your girlfriend pops the question.

“Got any porn?‚Ä?

Of course I have porn. I’m a man. What kind of retarded question is that?

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