Dick’s Top Ten Reasons Going Bald is Manly
Going bald is like the man-menopause of being a man. So long as “increased chance of osteoporosis” actually means “increased chance of bagging a hot babe with your brand new, red, sports convertible.
Babes love bald because it’s manly. Here are my top ten reasons why.
Dick’s Top Ten Reasons Going Bald is Manly
10. Doing your hair is a loss of Man Points!
And so is showering in the first place. A bath? Don’t even get me started. The only time it’s manly to care for your personal hygiene is when you’re in a shitty wooden tub full of water and borax and you paid a quarter to soak for an hour — and it’s 1855. Otherwise, you’re losing about ten Man Points a minute down your girly shower drain.
I took a one and a half minute shower last week. That’s got to be some kind of record.
9. Messy Hair Makes You Look Like A Jackass
Have you ever seen one of those guys with a frizzy mop of hair sticking out his head? What are they called? Oh yea, they’re called teenagers. If there’s one thing I know about teenagers, it’s that most of them don’t get laid and all the rest are liars. Sex doesn’t occur unless there’s a man involved. That’s why all men are cool with bringing another girl into a sexual relationship. It doesn’t actually count as cheating because it’s just like adding another appetizer to a meal. Fuck it, there’s still just one main course.
My point is, having hair means you’re going to have messy hair at some point and that looks stupid.
8. Accessories Are Woman-ccessories
Combs? Spray? Shampoo? These are silly, womanly things that must be fumbled around for. Anything a man touches should never be fumbled for. It should be revved like some kind of great fucking mechanical beast; belching smoke and fuel out at incredible angles and forming a cyclone of poison around the wielder. Aquanet doesn’t even come close.
Did you know that on average a bald man uses a motorcycle more than a haired man uses shampoo? Holy fuck that’s manly!
7. Bears Are Hairy
Men are not animals. Sure we may be as tenacious as man-sharks and as powerful as locomotive rhinoceroses, but we’re men. We’re our own unique species of animal about a million times better than all of God’s other crappy creatures — including women. Being bald is like sticking it in the face of the whole lot of them. A bald man says, ‘Fuck opposable thumbs. I don’t even need hair.’
6. Fuck Mother Nature
Speaking of Fuck something’s, just like it’s manly to never ever wear a jacket for any reason, it’s also manly to not have hair. You’d think you could just shave your head and be as manly as a baldy, but you can’t. That’s like bringing a jacket along “just in case”. Jesus Christ, that’s the womanliest thing there is the world.
A bald man burns his jackets.
5. Sean Connery Is Bald
So is Vin Diesel, who kicked about fifty spies’ asses in XXX.
4. Bald = Man Smart
You know how in movies they always give some braniac with the cure for cancer or aliens this massive fucking hideous comb over? That’s because being bald makes you smart. Don’t be a cunt, I know it doesn’t actually make anyone smarter. It just gives a man the appearance of having spent a studious life toiling over the state of math and science. But in the end, is there really a difference? One man looks smart because he says and does smart things. One man looks smart because he’s bald. Either way, it’s about looks.
3. Bald is Badass
One bald man can kick the asses of six non-bald men. When you have a bald head, you have some kind of supernatural man-ass kicking power. It’s in all the movies. Any time a bald guy shows up, you know some serious fighting is about to transpire. I believe it’s because of the naturally reflective surface of the bald head. Like how a cobra has a large set of eyes on the back of its head to frighten away predators, the bald man can use his refractory head to shine a reflection of his enemies’ eyes right back at them. Touche.
2. Bald Men Remind Everyone of The Penis
There is a feminist idea shitting all over our culture saying that the penis is a myth. The penis is not a myth and bald men are here to remind us of that. Just when you’ve forgotten about The Penis or just when some women gets it into her head that she might want to stop going to the gym and maybe eat another hour d’oeuvre before her salad comes, in walks some bald guy with his giant penis shaped head to set her straight — and I do mean straight. Straight like The Penis.
1. Bald is Beautiful
Women will think and say whatever you as a man tell them to think and say. Just ask Sharon Blynn; she just wrote a book about that called Bald is Beautiful. If women want to eat an apple and you hand them an orange, they’ll fucking love it like it belonged to Paul McCartney. Bald or not, you’re still man.
And someone tell Natalie Portman to put a fucking wig on. What’s next? Is she going to date someone half her age?
Gross.
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hi there,
just to respond to the mention i received in that list, i did not write a book or website called Bald Is Beautiful about appreciating men who are bald (and i’m far from a little lemming who thinks and feels whatever a man tells me to think/feel!). my Bald Is Beautiful message is about women being bald — from cancer treatment/CHEMO or from alopecia, and learning to embrace themselves and all aspects of that health journey in order to heal and survive and define their beauty for themselves on their own terms.
much like the message you seem to want to promote here. although the tone in this site is a bit on the angry or cynical side, the message is not altogether dissimilar. embracing ourselves and each other and busting open the narrow societal standards of beauty/handsomeness, attractiveness, what is considered fashionable, etc! i encourage you to bring in some positivity about it and make it more about loving yourselves and less about spite for those who can’t see past the small-minded ideas. just food for thought.
and yes . . . bald is beautiful! ciao 4 now.
peace.
-sb
http://www.baldisbeautiful.org
Indeed it is a fact.
But it doesn’t mean that everyone bald has more test than men who retain their hair. It’s a combination of genes I’m guessing. Which means some men with high test and certain genes go bald and some with high test don’t.
Gel sounds like an accessory to me.
-Dick
I’d have to disagree there, dick, here in the U.K. it’s the complete opposite, we have these things called chavs, ridiculously over-gelled short or even buzz cut hair, they are the scum of the universe, they’re stupid, illiterate, fighting, loudmouth dickheads that go around in gangs shouting “WHEEEYYYYY, BOYS!” and “Get yer fuckin’ ‘aircut goff” to anyone with even a cm more of hair than they have.
The more intelligent of us tend to have longer hair, for instance, myself, although i don’t fucking bother with conditioners and combing and treating it like a fucking pet, i just let it grow long so that i look more like a lion than a testicle.
Stag
X
What he said.
Go away.
IT’S MEEEEE!!! No, I didn’t get hit by a bus, sillies! Just got back from SA and I thought I’d check in on my favourite girl-bashers! You know, this site is a lot like Zimbabwe. You go away for a long time and things are WAY worse when you come back! So bald is the new thing, huh? Hmm…I won’t argue the Vin Diesel point. It’s all sound except for the fact that XXX is a MOVIE. The rest is bullshit as usual, you never cease to amaze me with your poetic insight, Dick.
Sounds like a classy guy, Liz.
-Dick
Bald is awesome. Just found your site, and just had to share, that my ex husband is bald and he always said it was from doing “turns” under the blankets…if you know what I mean.
Wow, lets see.. we have Vin Diesel, Kevin Spacey, Patrick Stewart, Ben Kingsley, John Malkovich, Lawrence Fishburn, Mr Fucking T (almost)….
If being bald sucks, then I’m ashamed to have hair.
Don’t forget Sean Connery too.
My grandpa would say, “God only made so many perfect heads. The rest He covered with hair.”
Bruce Fucking Willis and Samuel ‘MF’ Jackson.
Don’t forget Jason Statham, from The Transporter and The Italian Job (”Handsome Rob”). Fast cars, blazing guns, and a chick in the trunk. Trump that for sheer manliness.
I wish I had said that.
-Dick
Whatever it is, it’s clearly manly since almost(?) no women go bald.
A friend tells me that it’s not a bald patch, it’s a solar panel for a sex machine.
-Big Al
@Sony, I agree wholeheartedly. I’ve read the same things, so it must be true.
-wolfe
I don’t remember where I got this from but it’s said the more testosterone you’ve got the sooner you go bald.
Women know this. Biologic instinctively or intuitively they revere the domes of manliness.
I bow my woolly noggin and pay deference to those of shiny intellect.
Dick? William Shatner told me that golf is canceled next week. Dick Cheney’s still good to go, though I wish he’d stop bringing a shotgun.
And I’ve never been so sad to still have all my hair. Well, most of it.
On a serious note, probably the most manly man I personally know started going bald at 15. Immigrant, engineer, joined the Navy at 15, spoke fluent German (a manly tongue). Taught me how to shoot, climb a mountain, dress a deer, and that no gentleman ever goes after a boar with a gun, but a man always has his gun ready to deal with pigs.
Loved him so much I kissed him.
‘Course he was my dad.
-wolfe