The Boob Tube
TV was invented by a man: one Philo T. Farnsworth. It was also proliferated by men. Businessmen — who reinvented paradigms and thought so far outside the box that my man senses quake at the mention of it.
Unlike women, men are good at both inventing things and proliferating them, but that’s not what I’m talking about today.
Television, with a history rich in the juices of man, is a total success for half of Earth’s population. The other half — women — know what to do with a television set about as much as horse-toothed monkeys know how to fold road maps.
Television is about relaxing and feeling good, but then it can also be about spreading information and learning. From your ABC’s to your HSQ’s — Hitler, Sharks, and Queer Eyes — television teaches as it entertains. The point here is that television is just like men: versatile as shit, which is why we’re so good at watching it.
Women on the other hand, are not versatile. They are one trick ponies, or nags if you prefer. And this trait is shown when they watch TV.
First of all, women will only watch shows that they’re friends watch or that are extremely popular. Talk about jumping on the bandwagon! Men (as manly pioneers) will devote several hours a day to pouring over the wide selection of programming available. Absorbing their contents like sponges and at a fevered pace. If there’s something good out there in TV Land a man will find it. A man will find it and then share it with the world. That’s why Santa Claus is a man. Because he pulls that same type of shit.
Women will also not watch commercials. The second the commercial section of the television programming starts, all women in the room will begin yammering like a backfiring chainsaw. I’ve even seen instances where women will mute the TV during commercials just so they can hear themselves “think” better. Blasphemy!
What women fail to realize is that commercials are the nutty, caramel center of TV. Commercials are packed full of news and information in a way that can only be processed by the quick firing male brain. There’s data in commercials by the tonne, and as men we listen and we learn from it without even realizing it. That’s what men do, we’re fucking listeners par excellence, which is Latin for “don’t even fuck with it”.
Finally, if you really want to know why women suck at watching TV, just point your remote to one of the women only channels like Women’s Entertainment or Oxygen. Unless you’re like me and you’ve set your cable box up to block those channels completely (and done so while completely drunk so that the unlocking password is lost forever — which I highly recommend) you’ll see some of the worst types of feminine bullshit that you’ve ever seen in your life. Non-stop crying, women getting raped like it’s going out of style, male characters who have as much depth and realness in them as a popped water balloon.
Women running and/or watching TV is enough to make you sick. Thank God there’s a Die Hard marathon and the first season of Monty Python’s Flying Circus on tonight. I should also mention that I have two televisions stacked on each other in my media room for just such events.
Related Articles:
August 16th, 2005 at 6:06 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0e2f2db43d2f0
Horty, think of commercials as recon. Without good recon you get caught with your pants down in real life situations. Men know this, which is why we take advantage of every opportunity to collect and analyze information in our powerful man minds. Women dismiss commercials in the same way that Eve dismissed the warning to not eat the apple. This is why women take 3 hours to get through the grocery store. This is why women are constantly running their minivans and suv’s into each other. This is why women overpay for their car insurance. It is because they are more interested in childish things like makeup and chocolate than they are in bettering themselves through the magic of television.
August 16th, 2005 at 8:38 pm - IP Man-Hash: a0c7c73d83830
Esther, you’re going to hurt one of the ladies here if you don’t turn down how fucking much sense you’re making.
Nicely done.
Horty. Moded.
-Dick
August 17th, 2005 at 5:10 am - IP Man-Hash: b0e7aae980b2e
Let me nail Hortencia’s absurd argument: without commercials we would have NO information about all the fine Ronco products that Ron Popiel has offered us over the years. We would have no Mr. Microphone. No Bamboo Steamer. No Egg Scrambler, Pocket Fisherman, or Veg-O-Matic. Western civilization has progressed greatly during the past 100 years and much of this is due to these wondrous Ronco products. This is, of course, indisputable. Ron Popiel advertised for years only on television. As for women’s shows, I have only one thing to say: Rosie O’Donnel. This is Gaelic for “Huge, gelatinous buttocks and great, snapping jaws.” Rosie O’Donnel is, or was, women’s favorite TV “personality”. She was grotesquely fat, loud, and opinionated. And, in the end, she found that she couldn’t compete in a man’s world and ran crying into seclusion, leaving her show, her magazine, and her sanity swirling into the vortex of the toilet, leaving brown crayon marks on the sides of the bowl.
August 17th, 2005 at 10:23 am - IP Man-Hash: 90732515db7b8
What the fuck is Ronco? Sorry but as an English girl you’ve just confused me as I have not been subjected to these, uhum, fabulous inventions. I also have no idea who Rosie O’Donnel is and so cannot comment on the size of her arse.
By the way it has been proven that women’s insurance claims cost much less than mens, dammit an advert has snuck into my subconcious. Damn women’s car insurance.
August 18th, 2005 at 2:26 pm - IP Man-Hash: cc0d45fa29251
Ronco, my dear, is Ron Popeil’s corporation. Ronco is the mastermind behind the modern infomercial and te consequential sales philosophy. Jimbo did forget two biggies: GLH and te celestial Showtime Rotisserie Grill. The Showtime is worth every goddamn penny, by the way, and I recommend everyone and their brother buy one.
August 19th, 2005 at 6:02 pm - IP Man-Hash: d6a8ab0d92d7c
Do ignore the feminist inspired commercials, though. It seems women are good at infecting things they have no business being involved in, like deciding what we see and hear.
August 20th, 2005 at 4:25 pm - IP Man-Hash: 46d8304bbb9af
W-Hortencia, you’re totally right, whenever adverts are on I just put a song on karang or something (not sure if u have that in America Dick).
Anyways the whole point of the media is to give selected information to the public.
It’s exactly like this website. An advert for BMW cars wouldn’t say ford is much cheaper and safer than ours, even though that might be true, because they want you to buy their products. Just like in the big brother house, you think you’re seeing reality TV when actually you’re seeing what the cannel wants you to see, who decides what cameras are played, one person could be completely ignored while another is getting all the attention, despite who is more interesting. Just like Dick moderates our comments so that the most stupid men are not allowed to comment (even though he must have missed you Dan) and all the smart women are deleted (I know my comments have been removed). So really we are being brainwashed, at least the more feeble minded ones are.
Thankfully even when I’m drunk, I’m able to see though Dick’s bullshit. God bless vodka.
P.S. who wears boob tubes anymore? Me thinks America must be a bit behind the times, or maybe it’s just Dick.
August 20th, 2005 at 5:19 pm - IP Man-Hash: a0c7c73d83830
Who wears boob tubes? Strippers for one, but what in the hell are you talking about?
A television set is commonly referred to as a Boob Tube.
Jesus, Nicole. Every time I’m sure you can’t make women look any more clueless you surprise me — and look twice as clueless. And take my man word for it. That’s the only thing you’re doing on this site. Embarrassing women. As in making them sorry to be women. Completely masculine kudos on that. You’re a credit to your gender.
-Dick
August 21st, 2005 at 5:07 pm - IP Man-Hash: 46d8304bbb9af
“what in the hell are you talking about?”
If you don’t understand the concept of retail and advertising you have no place in this conversation, no matter whose site it is.
You ignored my entire comment except the P.S. which really wasn’t that important, frankly I don’t care about you and your stripper friends Dick, does anyone?
Do you have anything remotely related to advertising/brainwashing to say? Or are you just a waste of space?
Since you discredited my proven theory perhaps you have one of your own.
August 22nd, 2005 at 11:56 am - IP Man-Hash: 90732515db7b8
Dick has been indoctrinated too much by the adverts. God bless Kerrang! and their heavy rotation of System of a Down!
Adverts are entirely one sided and designed to make you consume, nothing else is important, they don’t care about informing you!
August 28th, 2005 at 9:09 pm - IP Man-Hash: 676393286bfc3
“By the way it has been proven that women’s insurance claims cost much less than mens, dammit an advert has snuck into my subconcious. Damn women’s car insurance.”
Supposedly.
Men can look at something and see through the bullshit, we’ve got great bullshit detectors. Although sometimes we’re subjected to so much bullshit in too short an amount of time that things start to slip by us (very rare, but has happened on occasion).
Women, on the other hand, can be swindeled out of anything. Anything ranges from car insurance, car maintanence, the color of the red stoplight, their virginity, and, all in all, anything. They can even be swindeled so badly that they can actually think they still have whatever it is they just lost, or even that they got a HUGE deal on something that was a ripoff!
For example, Palestinian boys will scream and hollar at American tourists about being cheated if you don’t pay “10 dollar” for a single picture of a man and his girlfriend. This causes the woman to fall apart into emotional shambles, but the man is able to calmly recognize that that single picture isn’t even worth 50 cents (but is still generous enough to give a dollar, or maybe he just wants the broad at his side to shut the hell up about being insensitive…).
So, all in all, MAYBE women’s car insurance is lower than men’s, but they (women) make up for it by paying for other “addons” that make the insurance “more valuable” when it’s really as valuable as buying gold teeth for your dead pet monkey…
September 8th, 2005 at 3:02 pm - IP Man-Hash: 56806c0431943
What the hell was that load of rubbish about.
Car insurance is useless? It wont be at your next car accident.
September 8th, 2005 at 3:03 pm - IP Man-Hash: f3ae1ac46a2e3
Which will be when some woman on a cell phone smashes into you at a red light.
-Dick
October 27th, 2005 at 1:37 am - IP Man-Hash: 5bc85cdf4bdae
Dick,
I am undecided if the rolls here are from feministing.org or feministing.com,
Is that you Amanda, you naughty girl, escaped again and without your prozac.
Dear oh dear. Mother won’t be happy !
November 7th, 2007 at 1:36 pm - IP Man-Hash: 00e54a8ed69ee
Let me just say in my defense, not all women are the same!
January 2nd, 2008 at 4:30 pm - IP Man-Hash: 904f55006453f
I never see commercials. Ever . You know why? Because I have a little device called an Mvix player. You stick any computer hard drive inside it, hook it up to your tv, and it plays whatever media you want.
So now, instead of having to wait for The Simpsons to come on, I have every single episode downloaded and at my disposal. I have every episode to date of Family Guy, King of the Hill, Weeds, Star Trek, South Park, and many many more complete series. And I have over 100 movies.
Screw cable. By phasing out commercials, I can fit 3 episodes of simpsons into my hour instead of just two. That’s man efficiency right there.
When I want to know about a new product, I wait until I see Homer using it. *laughs*
Besides, It’s not like I’m not subjected to 100’s or 1000’s of ads every day. I work in a big-box store. I surf the internet. I visit with friends. Each of which subjects me to 100’s of advertisements, much to my sugrin.
January 2nd, 2008 at 5:58 pm - IP Man-Hash: eeb32e3dc6874
Jessie I agree all women aren’t the same. Some are just fatter than others.
April 30th, 2008 at 5:20 pm - IP Man-Hash: 807a7e51c4bf3
I’m only boobs and an ass! Someone, quick, fuck me! I’m getting away!
I absolutely love this. I have a great idea to write a book about how women dominate men by making their penises pulsate and ache for us. Ya know, I get you hard, then I slap your dick and laugh. haha. I’m going to get braces soon and everyone will get free grind jobs! yay
April 30th, 2008 at 5:29 pm - IP Man-Hash: 3e8d1e2b2a4c4
Get off the site, you sexually frigid, cheeseburger-eating Yankee Anglo-fuck. I hope you piss your boyfriend off to such an extent that he eventually has to split your head open with a baseball bat.
April 30th, 2008 at 5:37 pm - IP Man-Hash: 8217966eacde5
You say the same insult, over, and over, and over again. You have no imagination whatsoever, all you can do is memorize facts. Its clear you were not raised in the United States. You’re lame.