What Do You Call a Woman With Nowhere To Live?

It’s time for another one of my Dick’s Manly Jokes.

What do you call a woman with nowhere to live?

Chaste? No. Nuns won’t fuck anyone (even though God says women are supposed to) and they still have a place to live.

What do you call a woman with nowhere to live?

Call her anything that starts with ‘b’ and rhymes with ‘bitch’. Homeless women are the rudest women with whom it has ever been my misfortune to share a street corner. They ought to be given homes just so their smelliness and grotesqueries are kept far away from children, and more importantly me.

Men are better than women at being homeless.

I have told two lady bums to get the fuck away from me in the last two weeks. This is a true story and something I would never have to say to a man bum. Both of them were as filthy as they were extremely rude. One of these lady vagrants accosted me while I had a large soda in one hand and a large sandwich in the other hand. She wanted me to feel her forehead because she thought she was coming down with some kind of bum-heat-stroke.

“Feel it with what?? I asked her. “Should I grow a third arm out of my ass.?

Like usual when it comes to employing logic and impossibility in a discussion with a woman, the conversation deteriorated rapidly into creative epithets.

The male homeless of the world have brewed up a Thunderbird-sized reputation of class and enduring dignity over the years. Not dignity in the traditional sense, where what you ate for dinner was prepared by a human and not a rummaging snout, but the dignity of providing a token service for a token amount of money and at all times having a positive attitude — and also hilarious hobo top hats. That’s classy.

You will never find a more positive attitude than in a man-bum. Frankly, I don’t know where they get the energy. They’re always singing, or dancing, or telling jokes. Some of my best jokes I’ve gotten from a bum for a dollar. That’s a good fucking deal. Who needs Danny Gans when you can just walk through a bad neighborhood and get the same experience.

I know of one homeless woman who broke into a family pizza restaurant at 3 in the morning and shit on their counter. What was the purpose of that? Whatever the purpose was, I assure you nothing of that sort ever appeared in anything Mark Twain ever wrote.

Bums represent the pure and unadulterated spirit of us that lurks neath the surface of societal trappings and accoutrement. Without a house, a car, vaccinations, money, or any foreseeable success, a man can be joyous and positive as long as he has his man mates. He also might want some booze, but there’s nothing wrong with that — legally or morally.

Women bums are all degenerate and crass meth addicts. They couldn’t tell a joke if you hung an eight ball in front of their nose. But that should be no surprise. They’re still women even though they have no kitchen to wash dishes in.

That’s Man Zen.

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