Ask Dick: Who’s The Manlier Role Model?

The following question was submitted to me last week by Mike.

Dick, who do you think is manlier: Carl from Aqua Teen hunger Force or Zap Brannigan from Futurama?

I looked those names up on the internet thinking they were war heros or rock stars or something of that nature. I discovered, however, that they are both cartoon characters. Nothing is more important to me than educating young men in the ways of their own manliness. If this site catered to women, I would have to say something like, “but not in a gay way,” because women are immature and fucking obsessed with everything being gay somehow. That’s what penis envy does to your brain.

Nothing should be more important to young men than having the manliest possible role model.

I spent a Saturday afternoon watching these shows of Futurama and Aqua Teen Hunger Force. I now present my findings.

Attire

Zap Brannigan wears a man skirt and Carl wears sweatpants. That’s one Man Point for Zap Branigan. Man Skirts have been manly since the movie Braveheart came out in the mid 90’s, and they were probably even manly before that. Sweatpants are never manly. Sweatpants are something women wear when they’re 40 and trolling for fresh meat at the mall like the cougars they are. How undignified.

Sexual Proclivities

Carl frequently alludes to patronizing prostitutes. One time he tried to pay a prostitute with a five gallon jug of pennies. There’s a lot to be said for the symbolism and manbolism of that. Paying for a prostitute in pennies is a metaphor that says, “all women are prostitutes”. Are pennies somehow not good enough for a prostitute? If you pay a prostitute with a house and an SUV is that somehow not prostitution? Think about it. That’s one Man Point for Carl. Carl, however, looses his Man Point for nearly getting married in one episode. It doesn’t matter how Russian or how “paid for” she was.

Zap Brannigan cried after sex. Even with Sexlexia, that results in a Minus Man Point.

Conclusion

Carl has a mustache. Carl is clearly the manlier. If you want to make anything manlier, put a mustache on it. Go put a fake mustache on your car and you’ll see what I mean. You’ll have to beat the women away with a stick.

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