Ask Dick: Who’s The Manlier Role Model?
The following question was submitted to me last week by Mike.
Dick, who do you think is manlier: Carl from Aqua Teen hunger Force or Zap Brannigan from Futurama?
I looked those names up on the internet thinking they were war heros or rock stars or something of that nature. I discovered, however, that they are both cartoon characters. Nothing is more important to me than educating young men in the ways of their own manliness. If this site catered to women, I would have to say something like, “but not in a gay way,” because women are immature and fucking obsessed with everything being gay somehow. That’s what penis envy does to your brain.
Nothing should be more important to young men than having the manliest possible role model.
I spent a Saturday afternoon watching these shows of Futurama and Aqua Teen Hunger Force. I now present my findings.
Attire
Zap Brannigan wears a man skirt and Carl wears sweatpants. That’s one Man Point for Zap Branigan. Man Skirts have been manly since the movie Braveheart came out in the mid 90’s, and they were probably even manly before that. Sweatpants are never manly. Sweatpants are something women wear when they’re 40 and trolling for fresh meat at the mall like the cougars they are. How undignified.
Sexual Proclivities
Carl frequently alludes to patronizing prostitutes. One time he tried to pay a prostitute with a five gallon jug of pennies. There’s a lot to be said for the symbolism and manbolism of that. Paying for a prostitute in pennies is a metaphor that says, “all women are prostitutes”. Are pennies somehow not good enough for a prostitute? If you pay a prostitute with a house and an SUV is that somehow not prostitution? Think about it. That’s one Man Point for Carl. Carl, however, looses his Man Point for nearly getting married in one episode. It doesn’t matter how Russian or how “paid for” she was.
Zap Brannigan cried after sex. Even with Sexlexia, that results in a Minus Man Point.
Conclusion
Carl has a mustache. Carl is clearly the manlier. If you want to make anything manlier, put a mustache on it. Go put a fake mustache on your car and you’ll see what I mean. You’ll have to beat the women away with a stick.
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June 8th, 2007 at 8:22 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0b04413590e8e
Dirty Bitch is already pregnant by me. So be nice to my pregnant woman.
June 9th, 2007 at 1:00 am - IP Man-Hash: a8014d2ff3afb
Yeah EvilEddy, true enough. The way the movies portray it… its like men would just bow and flop over. All those butches here itching for a fight.. they most likely end up with a broken nose and no limbs… heh
June 9th, 2007 at 6:05 am - IP Man-Hash: 0b04413590e8e
Ohh Right You have the limb. You mean my strap on limb or like what are you threatening? Your just trying to confuse me right?
June 9th, 2007 at 9:10 am - IP Man-Hash: 83b7e402ade4c
You are already very confused.
June 9th, 2007 at 9:26 am - IP Man-Hash: 33b64bce6a7d6
Go to Doubt’s place, he has a surprise for you I’m certain you’ll enjoy.
Ever seen that movie, Hostel?
June 11th, 2007 at 8:43 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9f06dd5b55d96
OK, folks, this took me a few days and a bit of consultation with my sons, whom I regard as subject matter experts on the biggest bad asses in cartoons. Seriously, they actually discuss this with the same fervor and passion as Khrushchev banging his shoe on the lectern at the UN.
I believe this is a good arguable top ten. How we determined this is how the character is portrayed in cartoons, even if they’re represented elsewhere in comics, comic strips, etc.
The point of this list is you mustn’t ever let anyone tell you cartoons are for kids. Plenty of manly men are represented in the comic arts.
And Dick, lots of respect to you, but you gotta start watching more cartoons, friend. It’s a manly art. (It’s gotta be — how many chicks watch cartoons?)
10) Yosemite Sam — Comic relief bad ass.
9) Tasmanian Devil — Motherfucker spun through rocks. ‘Nuff said.
8) Master Shredder — Sewer rat bad ass.
7) Skeletor — Fuck He-Man. Skeletor’s the man!
6) Early-90’s Warner Brothers Batman — Black on black, vigilantism has never been more badass!
5) Samurai Jack — I think the first time I saw that show was the moment I realized I wanted to wear a robe and kill monsters for the rest of my life.
4) Race Bannon — Jonny Quest’s bodyguard. Subdued but total badass.
3) Superman in the old Max Fleischer cartoons — Motherfucker can actually PUNCH a laser beam.
2) Popeye — Don’t fuck with Popeye, he’ll beat the shit out of you.
1) Brock Sampson — Baddest of the bad asses.
June 11th, 2007 at 9:37 pm - IP Man-Hash: e36376410e1aa
Sam Adams, that’s a great list. You should open up a blog.
http://blogs.mabtw.com
You get a link on the sidebar here.
-Dick
June 12th, 2007 at 4:32 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0fd1420567085
Except Yosemite-sam should be lower down. Guy is hardcore.
June 12th, 2007 at 4:33 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0fd1420567085
Ok not hardcore.
June 12th, 2007 at 5:57 pm - IP Man-Hash: a13ba81333017
@Sam, I second Dick’s praise for your list, and also urge you to consider blogging.
I always thought all Coyote’s gadgets were pretty manly, as was his utter willingness to try, try again in the teeth of adversity. If nothing else, I always wanted to meet whoever ran ACME products.
-wolfe
June 12th, 2007 at 6:31 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9f06dd5b55d96
Thanks, I’ll give blogging serious consideration.
I agree, damnfool determination can be manly, but being stoical while a boulder lands on top of you after you’ve fallen off a sheer cliff for the 2,000th time is the height of manliness.
We already know who ran ACME products. In “Who Framed Roger Rabbit”, we learned it was Marvin Acme.
June 17th, 2007 at 8:56 am - IP Man-Hash: bf69147d1fc98
John Wayne and Humphrey Bogart would be rolling over in their graves with all this PC/Feminism stuff.
Now those guys were ROLE models, just watch their movies, they took crap from nobody and put a woman in her place.
Bogey once said “the only thing a woman understands is a slap in the face and a slug from a .45″
You’d never hear a modern day male celebrity say that today, maybe except for Clint Eastwood, Jack Nicholson or Nicolis Cage. They’re the exception
Words of wisdom lloyd, words of wisdom.
-banzai
June 19th, 2007 at 2:57 am - IP Man-Hash: 422940479a69d
Nicolas Cage is a badass actor, along with Gary Sinise. Jack Nicholson, like Jim Carrey, is good at playing mad bad guys (Which is not as easy as it seems)
June 19th, 2007 at 9:02 pm - IP Man-Hash: 99f8edf443d9d
I always thought Kevin Spacey played a good bad guy. Seems to come from the heart.
June 20th, 2007 at 6:38 am - IP Man-Hash: 72dadca35debd
Clint Eastwood in “Dirty Harry”
Doctor: Sure, Harry. We can save the leg.
[takes out some scissors]
Harry Callahan: What are you going to do with those?
Doctor: Going to cut your pants off.
Harry Callahan: No. I’ll take them off.
Doctor: It’ll hurt.
Harry Callahan: $29.50, let it hurt.
GOLD.
June 20th, 2007 at 3:55 pm - IP Man-Hash: a13ba81333017
@Sam thanks for the tip on ACME. Glad you’re considering blogging.
@Biff Heya.
@Necro Indeed.
@evileddy Heh. Mantastic quote line.
-wolfe
June 22nd, 2007 at 6:29 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0fd1420567085
Platinum. Jack nicholson is also renowned for his famous phrase ‘HEEEEEEEERES JOHNNY!!’*smash*
June 28th, 2007 at 10:52 pm - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
www alltradenet com
Somebody, please ban the bot.
July 11th, 2007 at 1:44 pm - IP Man-Hash: 2c8448dad3d5f
Hell yeah. You can’t get any manlier than John Fucking Wayne and Humphrey Motherfuckin’ Bogart.
July 19th, 2007 at 6:25 pm - IP Man-Hash: d079ceb34258b
Sorry Dick but I have to disagree with you on this one. Zap is portrayed as an idiot, totally incompetent, and is basically a mockery of th U.S. military. Carl is the crude, disgusting, Neanderthal man stereotype that the feminist bitches love to portray all men as. Sorry Dick but I think it was actually a women who asked this question.
Sam Adams hit the bullseye with Brock Samson though, that man kicks ass while drinking motor oil and pissing testosterone.