Childbirth is Not a Big Deal
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again because it was funny and completely true. Women having babies is like an octopus shooting ink at a shark come dinner time — except this octopus has six tentacles in the shark’s wallet and also a layer of whore paint all over its face.
And one of its other tentacles has a foot for sticking down it’s fucking throat in front of the shark’s boss and parents.
Please allow me to quote from 3 billion of the worst writers in the world today:
“You men think you’re so tough, you gay faggots? Try pushing something the size of a watermelon out a hole the size of a lemon which is also called your vagina!”
-Every woman ever
That is an inaccurate depiction of childbirth.
First of all, childbirth, whether it’s completely disgusting or not, is a beautiful thing. In the case of baby boys being born, you could be witnessing the first breaths of the next Picasso or Pavarotti or the guy who played Herman Munster. In the case of baby women, you’re witnessing something special too probably. The point is, as a man I would never sink so low as to equate the act of childbirth to some perverse squishing of fruits and vegetables through other fruits and vegetables. Is this human life we’re talking about or a fruit salad Physical Challenge? What the fuck? Unlike women, men float effortlessly on the sea of indiscretion by inflatable rafts called our class — Man Class.
Secondly, a baby is not the size of a watermelon. It’s more like like size of a grapefruit or maybe a slightly larger than average lemon. Have I ever squeezed something the size of a slightly larger than average lemon through something the size of a regular sized lemon? Believe me I have. But go bigger you say? You must be a man then! And I say why the fuck not!
It’s called putting on my undershirt, which women don’t know about because they’re whores and wear things like spaghetti strap tank tops and bras and other silly things designed to maximize their flesh showcase. I don’t hear my undershirt complaining about my head being the size of a fucking watermelon, which it isn’t, but it is bigger than my shirt’s neck hole.
The fact of the matter is today’s modern mother is so doped up on morphine and chocolate that she doesn’t even know who the father is when it comes time to popping the poor bastard out. Men in the Napoleonic Age got their legs and shit cut off with no antestetic and gangrenous saws. Now that’s some pain! Where’s your fucking cute, stupid fruit analogy now? Have you ever had a zucchini the size of your leg cut in half by a carrot which was a rusty saw? Fuck off.
My last piece of evidence is what I call The Clencher.
The only women who use this argument are teenage women or childless, unmarried harpies. The world has truly known no more useless swine. They’ve never done anything for anyone ever. Congratulate your nearest mother. She won the race by pulling her head out of the sand.
It’s a good thing all babies have a 50/50 shot of being men — or else we’d all be fucked.
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December 12th, 2007 at 8:14 pm - IP Man-Hash: 60c984a618a05
Apparantly, regardless of girly-girl’s opinions about things, they’re still getting knocked up and still having babies. It’s not the female orgasm that counts during sex, it’s the male one.
Of course, I know that trying to reason with you is a losing battle here, because you’re going to keep on spamming and laughing awkwardly at your own forced small penis jokes. You just have low pain tolerances, like SCIENCE says you do, and girly-girls don’t have high sex drives, they’re just addicted to attention and know that the only way anybody will give two shits about them is if they put out.
Stupid whore, do you really think that I’m stupid enough to be duped into your little girly-girl philosophy? That’s just self-serving bullshit that glorifies your petty existence and is good for girly-girls and only girly-girls. D-uh, use that head of yours, sweetie!
December 12th, 2007 at 8:18 pm - IP Man-Hash: 46bafd48af0c5
I do run. for one hour every single morning, as well as do gymnasitcs 4 days a week, 3 houres each day I do it.
December 12th, 2007 at 8:20 pm - IP Man-Hash: 60c984a618a05
So wait… you break out crackling every time you force a small penis joke into a conversation but you don’t find that funny? Damn, hoe, you girly-girls have absolutely no sense of humor. No wonder you never get anything done - how the fuck could you when you’re so busy getting yourself oppressed?
Always a brilliant little fuck-of-all-trades until somebody who does not exploit himself for a living - affirmative action is exploitation of the victim mentality and basically admits that no, no qualified girly-girls can exist in a free market economy - comes along. Whoops, better crack another small penis or a nut-kicking joke!
Ah, hypocrite bitches, how the fuck would I live without you? Oh, yes, with some sluts who know their place and don’t barge into my locker room and start laughing awkwardly as she questions our sexuality. How brilliant, the annoying cunt subculture - you sure are independent, sweet-tits.
December 18th, 2007 at 1:24 pm - IP Man-Hash: e24370fe2bb3c
Childbirth is much more painful.
Again, I have no children, so I can’t say my personal experiences, but my mother went through 30 hours of labor.
So I would say childbirth is more painful.
December 18th, 2007 at 10:43 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9b8661e6da7fc
Kelly, all your posts give all of us hope.
December 18th, 2007 at 10:45 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9b8661e6da7fc
I’ve had 4 surgeries and the pain killers you get do just what there called.
February 6th, 2008 at 12:04 am - IP Man-Hash: 2bba7edbc11b7
I thought your article Dick, had some very good points.
I am a mother of 2 teenagers. Their births were approx. 6 hours duration each.
It was painful, but I believe the pain serves to give you an appreciation for the new life that has been brought into the world.
As soon as my second child was born, I can honestly say, I forgot about the pain and even left the hospital 12 hours later.
Like all pain, the memory of it passes once the pain is no longer there.
Women who use childbirth as a means to make men feel inferior, need to look at pain as a whole.
Dick, your point about men in the Napoleonic Age getting their legs cut off without anaesthetic is a great example.
Also, what about the many P.O.W’s (prisoner of war) who endured years of torture and horrific conditions.
And I would much rather give birth again, than suffer what William Wallace went through just before he died.
Ladies, we have (as Buddha in the post above mine has pointed out) painkillers. Use them if the pain becomes too much and enjoy this special time, it’s well worth it.
February 6th, 2008 at 6:35 am - IP Man-Hash: 094d0f0404c7b
Its all about being a victim Missy. That is what most modern western women believe they are.
February 6th, 2008 at 10:53 am - IP Man-Hash: ddfede0fd1471
True.
They play this (childbirth) victim card too often, and fail to realize, women in poorer countries have it far worse (primitive medical help) and yet these women complain far less.
April 19th, 2008 at 5:11 pm - IP Man-Hash: c5b05ae376b07
How can you say childbirth is not a big deal, but getting kicked in the balls is? Are you unaware that recovery from child takes at least 4 weeks,and recovery from getting kicked in the balls takes approximately 4 minutes? You didnt stop to realize that women had it as rough as men did in ancient times. We had to give birth completly free of any anestheisia but also endure episiotomies and cesarian sections with no medicine. Somehow I think I might rather get my leg chopped off than be disemboweled while fully awake. By the way, most babies in fact are the size of watermelons, granted it may not be a particularly large watermelon (depending on the baby), but an average one to say the least. When is the last time you seen an 8 pound lemon, or grapefruit even? Probably never. By the way a vagina is around the size of a walnut at rest (obviously you havent seen one in quite some time). So, next time you get kicked in you poor man-balls, just be thankful the person doing the kicking isnt taking their foot and shoving inside your penis.
April 19th, 2008 at 5:26 pm - IP Man-Hash: e5ad81745f47e
I took a shit once that was about the size of a baby.
May 4th, 2008 at 6:35 pm - IP Man-Hash: c5b05ae376b07
This is ridiculous. What right do you (or any other man) have to say childbirth isnt a big deal? Have you experienced it first hand? You cant judge something until you have been part of it. That would be like me saying “erectile disfunction isnt a big deal” or “having an enlarged prostate isnt a big deal.” How the fuck should I know? I dont because I’ve never experienced it! Now Im not saying its a big deal for every woman, because some of us have easier labors, a higher pain tolerance, or better care at the hospital. Some of our bodies are better equipped to handle childbirth than others. But also, for men certain things arent a big deal to one man, while to another man it might be a life changing matter. What Im trying to say is that we cant just go around judging something that we have never experienced. You have to wait until you know first hand what it is like, because it might affect you differently.
May 4th, 2008 at 7:47 pm - IP Man-Hash: 5ece3526635db
Make sense already. You don’t have to have something happen to you to judge it you can look at it.You don’t have to be killed to say murdering people is bad, you don’t have to be stolen from to understand it’s wrong to steal unless you’re a totally self-centered person. Besides, pregnancy is somethng chosen and planned by a woman in 9 months, comparing it to some random life changing event like cancer is like comparing a tattoo to a shotgun wound.
Besides even without drugs there are so many ways to lower the pain of pregnancy it’s not funny.No matter what your body type is every culture has ways to lower or eliminate pain completely. Acupuncture, massages, C-sections, pregnancy can be handled and dealt with propper planing and knowledge. Therefore it is NOT that big of a deal, just stop complaining and plan.
May 4th, 2008 at 7:52 pm - IP Man-Hash: 5ece3526635db
Besides above and you being a horrible person, it’s already been agreed upon by men AND women that kidney stones are more painful then pregnancy. Stop whining.
May 6th, 2008 at 7:54 pm - IP Man-Hash: c5b05ae376b07
Actually, idiot, I have had both, and I’ve also had kidney stones while I was pregnant. I would much rather have a kidney stone than give birth again anyday. By the way, all knowing smart guy, no one ever said pregnancy was painful, because it isn’t. The birthing process is, however. Something doesnt have to be painful to make it a big deal.
May 6th, 2008 at 9:19 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9256ed1c95f5c
May 7th, 2008 at 12:30 am - IP Man-Hash: 56cd7d82603b9
you know what I’ve heard, as well? Women that have babies on their own at home and deliver it themselves without drugs and stuff tend to have little to no pain. I can’t remember the reason for it, but I think it had something to do with either stress, or thinking negatively about childbirth itself.
When the rapper Jay-Zs mom had him, she didnt feel any pain.
May 7th, 2008 at 12:57 pm - IP Man-Hash: 8d077af983b9b
W/out women to have babies no men would be here. You would not be here, none of us would. You are right child birth is a beautiful thing. But it is very painful and can become complicated sometimes. Until you give birth, you really can not speak on the topic.
May 8th, 2008 at 5:35 pm - IP Man-Hash: 951ee3f119da4
Well, the amount of times a man has been kicked in his testicles in his whole life is equal to the birth of once child. I am not a sexist and I don’t really agree with this website but I believe Dick’s article is more understandable.
May 12th, 2008 at 7:50 am - IP Man-Hash: 2bc5844a0f6c6
you boys are so childish…..first of all a child comming out is not the size of a grape…..some times the womens vagina can tear……you boys should get your facts right…….im guessing this dick is a teenage boy but even if hes a grown man there is not diff……lets agree that we will never know whats more painful child birth or getting kicked in the testicles………child birth is beautiful and the dick really is not….but dont make stupid statements……ask your mother about how you were born,ask for the painful details…..from here we can see that a lot of boys are insensitive creatures