It’s Just Coffee. Settle the Fuck Down.
I like my coffee like I like my women: cheap and brought to me by another woman. And just like women, coffee is nothing to get excited about.
Coffee is like a penis. It’s a tool a man uses to get the job done as quickly as possible. It’s not a reason to wake up in the morning and it’s not a philosophy.
In that case, coffee is exactly like a penis because that’s what both are to women: a reason to live.
Men are better than women at coffee. First of all, women make shitty coffee. The man-invented coffee maker does a perfect job of making perfect coffee. Then women go and fuck it up with two packs of sugar and a half pint of cream. Why not just drink caffeinated honey, you big fat fucks?
Also, women are simple and retarded.
Simple and Retarded
When men drink coffee, it doesn’t become the focal point of our personalities. It’s just coffee. Settle the fuck down. Men are complex and interesting and there are better things in the world for us to base our personalities on. Faster things. Louder things. Things that are immortalized in bronze and steel. Men cost more than $3.65 plus tip.
Women are simple and boring. They only mature enough in their crappy lives to embrace a handful of simple and boring things. Things like dogs and babies and weddings. Weddings are so simple women can actually plan them with little help from men. That’s because you can’t fuck up a wedding. Weddings are already permafucked.
Women have the maturity level of circus freaks. If they’re not bored out of their skulls sitting at a nice restaurant with nothing interesting to say and no one to give a fuck about it, then they’re ecstatic with mania. Women only have two levels on their emotional thermostat: Dead and Crazy. That’s why they obsess about the simple trinkets in their lives — like coffee — with the tenacity of spoiled two year olds.
Also, women are full of shit.
Full of Shit
When a man is busy, he gives off the impression that he is busy. When a woman is an abject failure at life, she compiles a universe of quirks and preferences to give off the impression that she’s busy. An obsession with coffee is a perfect example of this.
Coffee is the first and easiest shortcut to martyrdom. After all, if a woman is so dangerously addicted to coffee, doesn’t that mean her daily struggles and Woman Workload require almost a man-sized supply of energy?
Any woman who is obsessed with coffee is trying to tell you something:
“Appreciate me for how hard I work at looking like I’m working hard.”
Man Zen.
Self-Obsession is easier than Self-Improvement.
Coffee is to women what boobs are to men. No matter what’s happening around us, we’re still partly thinking about boobs. The same goes for women and coffee. The difference is that a man-brain can be divided into many different tasks. Dividing a she-brain is like trying to fold a CD in half. If you try to, make sure you don’t wear protective goggles because that would be a loss of Man Points.
Asking a woman to embrace anything more complicated than “beans plus heat equals coffee” is like expecting a couch to fit in your buddy’s Civic. Asking a woman to obsess about nostalgia and sloth, however, is like not asking her anything at all and letting her continue about her daily business — which was obsessing about nostalgia and sloth.
Coffee is about putting fire in your brain so you can get off your ass and start pounding rivets. It’s not meant to be enjoyed.
“What’s a rivet?” says a woman.
Rivets are like men. They hold the world together.
Case Studies in the Self-Obsession and False Martyrdom of a Female Coffee Obsession:
Mommy Needs Coffee!
Busy Mom!
Coffee Mom!
*Listed in order of fatness
Leave it to a mother to think of a way to “need” a break from the permanent vacation of motherhood.
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March 6th, 2008 at 9:52 pm - IP Man-Hash: d653cff06dec4
The difference KellyTramp is there is nothing but mountains of science and experience proving that women are weaker, intellectually incapable, and lying sluts.
Your order is dying.
March 6th, 2008 at 9:56 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
Here we go:
http://outsidethewire.mensnewsdaily.com/2007/04/11/never-having-to-say -youre-sorry/
It seems the bitch is beat. Ouch, that’s going to follow her.
March 6th, 2008 at 10:00 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
So, uh, how is not marrying fat, ugly bitches like you a bad thing again? Jesus Christ, I swear I’m never going to buy into this monogamy shit again.
March 6th, 2008 at 11:09 pm - IP Man-Hash: 67caec8fb3425
Another awesome article Dick
My Mum couldn’t move from the couch in the morn until she finished 2 pots of coffee. Then she moved like a tortise. We move just grab a cup and run.
Women are like children in everything. Women have zero integrity. Never trust a woman, ever.
March 6th, 2008 at 11:43 pm - IP Man-Hash: 6ac004c6187ed
And the poor child doesn’t even see her bigotry.
How would you all feel, honestly, if I started a site tomorrow about how all black people are stupid, worthless, don’t know how to have sex, are whores, only care about money… etc.?
Come on. Anyone with half a brain can see that’s racist. That’s something you don’t even say rhetorically. The fact that you bothered defending it makes you worse then Dick. Do you understand or is rhetorically too big a word for you?
March 7th, 2008 at 7:10 am - IP Man-Hash: 9c5fed5a08109
Define feminist? Someone who sticks up for women when men are trying to degrade them? Then yeah I suppose I am. And what the hell are you talking about, “not the one gettings a well deserved stoning”…. like really, grow up.
March 7th, 2008 at 7:14 am - IP Man-Hash: 9c5fed5a08109
You are seriously dumb. I’m not racist at all, I have a roommate who is black, I have friends who are black, mexican, chinese, japanese, native… like really… I said what I said because I was using an example seeing how in the USA it seems to be the biggest racist issue… racism against blacks, and I was comparing how if I started a site saying those things (which I wouldnt thats why we are speaking hypothetically) then I would be at your level. People who are racist against blacks (or any race) judge that race soley because its that race, and you men judge women simply because we were born without a dick, balls, or whatever else. And my point is that you can’t help what RACE you are and you can’t help what SEX you are, do you understand?
March 7th, 2008 at 7:16 am - IP Man-Hash: 9c5fed5a08109
Never trust a woman? why not? I’m the most honest person I know. I would never steal, lie, or cheat to anyone. I also grab my coffee and run… ? like really! You cannot generalize all women into one category because not every woman will ever fall into it, and I seem to be the exception, gee thanks!
March 7th, 2008 at 7:20 am - IP Man-Hash: 9c5fed5a08109
First of all…. “lying sluts”… define “sluts”… anyways… I have been honest and faithful to my boyfriend for over 5 years… and I’m only 20! Weird! Women are weaker in the biological sense… we are more emotional but a lot of that is due to socialization… and yes we are physically weaker… but the insides of our bodies are delicate, we are not supposed to lift heavy things, etc. Intellectually incapable? Is that why I am an “A” student at a leading Liberal Arts University in Canada? Is that why I have receieved many scholarships and awards (based on academic performance and NOT because I am female)? Once again, nothing you have said applies to me, OR many females I know.
March 7th, 2008 at 7:40 am - IP Man-Hash: d653cff06dec4
Liberal Arts is the MIT of women.
March 7th, 2008 at 7:47 am - IP Man-Hash: 9c5fed5a08109
Well there’s a lot of men at my school too, and it’s funny because you need higher marks to be accepted there then at the other University down the hill which has sciences and engineering. Also, it has nothing to do with my sex, I’m studying what pertains to my career choice.
March 7th, 2008 at 7:51 am - IP Man-Hash: 65b13ad1c1e05
Hahahaha….liberal arts. Sorry but that is just extremely amusing. Also, I was wondering when you would shut the fuck up?
*D3C*
March 7th, 2008 at 7:57 am - IP Man-Hash: d8b49cd0ae329
Hate to break it to you, but a) it’s a liberal arts school, which requires talent, not necessarily smarts, having gone to one myself; b) anyone can get high marks in grade school, it’s just a matter of doing what the teacher tells you to do; and c) it’s canada. There haven’t been a whole lot of turn-the-world-upside-down style inventions, art, writing, or anything really to come out of canada. In fact, you all are known for hockey and pilsner, and hockey is the only one that doesn’t suck.
March 7th, 2008 at 8:10 am - IP Man-Hash: 9c5fed5a08109
I’d rather be Canadian than American first and foremost so there’s no need trying to put Canada down. And last time I checked, studying Psychology and Sociology requires more than “talent.” Same with studying Law… my friend just got accepted to major Law schools in Canada after only studying at my school for 3 years, not even the full 4. So I’m not really sure what you’re going on about, but sure.
March 7th, 2008 at 11:03 am - IP Man-Hash: 195818f06c6e0
OK, that’s it.
I was going to invite you to go with me to Starbuck’s today, but, now I’m not gonna.
And, I’m hurt deep inside. No, really. Woe unto me. And stuff.
Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee.
I’m sorry, I got lost there for a minute. What with being at work and vacationing from motherhood and all.
March 7th, 2008 at 11:09 am - IP Man-Hash: 60bbd967a6d59
Do you kiss your horse every morning? lol
March 7th, 2008 at 11:16 am - IP Man-Hash: 6964c4c40c0c5
@Kelly B
The reason your friend got into a Major Law School was because she was a woman. Affirmative action for women is an awful, awful thing. Just think, your friend just took the spot at that school that could have been given to a smarter more intelligent male, but because she was a broad she was given preference. Typical.
And to Murph: I’m Canadian, no need to bash us, we have the same discusting, selfish, cheating, lying women you have. Sometimes I think ours are worse.
March 7th, 2008 at 12:31 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9c5fed5a08109
Actually she got accepted because she is an A+ student in criminology and psychology. What part of Canada?
March 7th, 2008 at 12:32 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9c5fed5a08109
@Muzalon-
I dont have a horse….???
March 7th, 2008 at 12:56 pm - IP Man-Hash: ac263f06d7774
The fact that you counted how many people are what race is pretty much a sign of racism. And give it up, you came here insulting every person here and now you want to give a equality speech? Come on.