It’s Just Coffee. Settle the Fuck Down.
I like my coffee like I like my women: cheap and brought to me by another woman. And just like women, coffee is nothing to get excited about.
Coffee is like a penis. It’s a tool a man uses to get the job done as quickly as possible. It’s not a reason to wake up in the morning and it’s not a philosophy.
In that case, coffee is exactly like a penis because that’s what both are to women: a reason to live.
Men are better than women at coffee. First of all, women make shitty coffee. The man-invented coffee maker does a perfect job of making perfect coffee. Then women go and fuck it up with two packs of sugar and a half pint of cream. Why not just drink caffeinated honey, you big fat fucks?
Also, women are simple and retarded.
Simple and Retarded
When men drink coffee, it doesn’t become the focal point of our personalities. It’s just coffee. Settle the fuck down. Men are complex and interesting and there are better things in the world for us to base our personalities on. Faster things. Louder things. Things that are immortalized in bronze and steel. Men cost more than $3.65 plus tip.
Women are simple and boring. They only mature enough in their crappy lives to embrace a handful of simple and boring things. Things like dogs and babies and weddings. Weddings are so simple women can actually plan them with little help from men. That’s because you can’t fuck up a wedding. Weddings are already permafucked.
Women have the maturity level of circus freaks. If they’re not bored out of their skulls sitting at a nice restaurant with nothing interesting to say and no one to give a fuck about it, then they’re ecstatic with mania. Women only have two levels on their emotional thermostat: Dead and Crazy. That’s why they obsess about the simple trinkets in their lives — like coffee — with the tenacity of spoiled two year olds.
Also, women are full of shit.
Full of Shit
When a man is busy, he gives off the impression that he is busy. When a woman is an abject failure at life, she compiles a universe of quirks and preferences to give off the impression that she’s busy. An obsession with coffee is a perfect example of this.
Coffee is the first and easiest shortcut to martyrdom. After all, if a woman is so dangerously addicted to coffee, doesn’t that mean her daily struggles and Woman Workload require almost a man-sized supply of energy?
Any woman who is obsessed with coffee is trying to tell you something:
“Appreciate me for how hard I work at looking like I’m working hard.”
Man Zen.
Self-Obsession is easier than Self-Improvement.
Coffee is to women what boobs are to men. No matter what’s happening around us, we’re still partly thinking about boobs. The same goes for women and coffee. The difference is that a man-brain can be divided into many different tasks. Dividing a she-brain is like trying to fold a CD in half. If you try to, make sure you don’t wear protective goggles because that would be a loss of Man Points.
Asking a woman to embrace anything more complicated than “beans plus heat equals coffee” is like expecting a couch to fit in your buddy’s Civic. Asking a woman to obsess about nostalgia and sloth, however, is like not asking her anything at all and letting her continue about her daily business — which was obsessing about nostalgia and sloth.
Coffee is about putting fire in your brain so you can get off your ass and start pounding rivets. It’s not meant to be enjoyed.
“What’s a rivet?” says a woman.
Rivets are like men. They hold the world together.
Case Studies in the Self-Obsession and False Martyrdom of a Female Coffee Obsession:
Mommy Needs Coffee!
Busy Mom!
Coffee Mom!
*Listed in order of fatness
Leave it to a mother to think of a way to “need” a break from the permanent vacation of motherhood.
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March 6th, 2008 at 3:35 pm - IP Man-Hash: e24370fe2bb3c
Once again, not purposely attempting to piss someone off. As I’ve said to Kelly B, I’m upset nor blame them for insulting me, I am the one posting where I am certaintly not wanted. Besides, I do find it fun. I haven’t been on for longer than an hour in a month or two, so what, now that I’ve posted a few times I have no life? Fine then, see it as you want.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:54 pm - IP Man-Hash: 6ac004c6187ed
You got to love that”I could say black people are stupid but I won’t!” The fact that you suggested not only shows your apparent hate for them, but you’re much to cowardly to express your hateful opinion because you fear being outted for your stupidity. Instead of being so uppity about someone else you should look into your own hate spewing mind and judge yourself. You poor pitiful child you. First gays, then blacks, who next?
March 6th, 2008 at 4:03 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9c5fed5a08109
Are you honestly an idiot? If you are going to quote me at least quote me right. And I was trying to demonstrate the fact that people who are prejudice against blacks or any race or religion are no better than people who are prejudice against women. My point was the fact you are basing your prejudice on something that is biological… something that people are born with. In this case I was comparing blacks to women because you are no different from people who discriminate against blacks… do you understand? Jesus fuck.
March 6th, 2008 at 4:17 pm - IP Man-Hash: e24370fe2bb3c
Sorry Arbalest, I don’t know who you are addressing. Is it me or Kelly B?
March 6th, 2008 at 4:23 pm - IP Man-Hash: e24370fe2bb3c
Nevermind, I read Kelly B’s post.
March 6th, 2008 at 5:00 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4324edb35e1d7
whoemever was the folgers coffee marketing guy was a genious.
he also made the best commercials. ther eis about 6-7 of them that i have that are man-masterpieces themselves just like this article.
March 6th, 2008 at 5:01 pm - IP Man-Hash: 66307f2033b1b
Now you know why so many of us just skip over them.
March 6th, 2008 at 5:01 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4324edb35e1d7
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5idyptK15w
March 6th, 2008 at 5:05 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4324edb35e1d7
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Avsp_UJ3mrY
March 6th, 2008 at 5:25 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4324edb35e1d7
hillary, these posts are not the same, this one is about coffee, what usually doesnt change though is that at almost every topic, men are better then woman.
March 6th, 2008 at 6:22 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
That is quality media. Reinstating those advertisements would give any business a world of clientèle.
It would be worth any conceivable risk for one, just one of those organizations branded sexist beyond reproach - Playboy, etc. - to begin test-marketing such artistic, classy adverts.
Royally excellent - thank you for reminding me of what taste and talent feels like.
Watch the manholes flap their jowls with a world of hypothetical and ethical reasons in some inane attempt to discourage the inevitable. If they had any knowledge of history, they would understand that anything that can happen will happen.
March 6th, 2008 at 7:11 pm - IP Man-Hash: 56cd7d82603b9
Dear Kelly B,
Sexism and Racism are two completely different things. The main difference being that if everyone had interracial sex for a few generations then there would only be one race and only countries. Comparing this to building a website to Black website I believe proves you are raciest but above all. Its just Coffee. Settle the Fuck down.
PS thats to all the women that feel the same or are offended by the site, Also I only read this website for entertainment purposes (yes my entertainment ((to those who are stupid)))
March 6th, 2008 at 7:21 pm - IP Man-Hash: e24370fe2bb3c
To Bob, actually, I find racism and sexism equal. Both discriminate over such a trivial thing that someone can’t control, such as their skin color or gender. And, just to add, I mean sexism as against either sex, not just women.
March 6th, 2008 at 7:22 pm - IP Man-Hash: bf1f8818f8ec7
Ahhhhh. Thank you.
A great print ad in return…
http://www.corpun.com/11371.jpg
March 6th, 2008 at 7:31 pm - IP Man-Hash: e33b7a7afb56f
Anyone else see the irony in this?
March 6th, 2008 at 7:53 pm - IP Man-Hash: 08444efbf4b03
Who cares? GTFO.
March 6th, 2008 at 8:16 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
Ha ha, great call! What a stupid bitch!
March 6th, 2008 at 8:17 pm - IP Man-Hash: 59419be21c336
She seriously enjoys the attention. What she doesn’t get is that none of us can pick her out of the other 5,893,568 trolls that post on here, so it’s almost a lost cause.
..Actually I take that back. She might be the head Troll here.
March 6th, 2008 at 9:05 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9c5fed5a08109
I am not racist and nothing I have posted indicates so.
March 6th, 2008 at 9:42 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
All feminists are bigoted racists. We all know this, you’re just another loudmouthed bigot, another stupid cunt who is used to being the one IN the lynch mob having everyone stick up for her, not the one getting a well-deserved stoning.